Ain't Nobody Here Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 I was told by my ex-sister-in-law this evening that I, my OH and my 2 boys won't be getting invites to my niece's wedding next Spring . Her granny is also not being invited, presumably because my niece knows I'd have to accompany her. It's not really a surprise as her dad, my brother, hasn't spoken to me for 2 years since I uncovered his financial abuse of our mother. His 4 kids (aged 17-27) have been brainwashed into believing his side of the story although I think the penny is slowing dropping for the 2 younger ones - they are upset that we and their granny aren't being invited. I'm very sad and hurt that my niece has made this decision but I understand that she wants to believe her father rather than accept that he is a lying, manipulative thief. On top of that, his birth mother, his birth brother and sister-in-law (who he has only known for a couple of years) are being invited. But not the mother and sister he's known his whole life or his brother-in-law and nephews. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 People can be so hurtful Vicki Please don't let it get to you; be annoyed or a few minutes, then discard it and move on. Big hug coming your way from Dahn Sarf. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patsylabrador Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 It's sad when families implode and I'm sorry that you're being punished for looking after your mother. That seems to be the weird way they work. I am completely on the outside edge of mine now, I still have my lovely sister who is in the same situation. We've decided to stay there, we feel we are no longer wanted, surplus to requirement. We don't know what's going on now, there is apparently a wedding in about six weeks and a baby might have been born but those seem to be none of our business. I was very hurt at first, then I was angry, then I attempted to make contact which failed spectacularly, then I got the message and now I don't bother. Although they are family, they don't want me, I don't need anything from them so what's the point in the relationship? It's nice that two of your nieces/nephews miss you, there is hope there. One of mine made contact through facebook and although it's very guarded it was cheery. I decided I won't spend time fretting about it and am training myself to stop thinking about it all otherwise my mind goes round and round in circles. If my thoughts go that way I just say no and force another subject into my mind. I'm getting quite skilled at it actually. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted October 21, 2014 Author Share Posted October 21, 2014 That's very sad, PL . I really must try to adopt the same attitude as you. I have managed that with regard to my brother (with occasional lapses!) but I was awake half the night brooding about this latest blow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dancing cloud Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 Families! Acknowledge the hurt and the anger and let it go - easier said than done, but accept that it is your niece's choice and she will have to live with it. My brother's children think he's wonderful, I have a very different view, but accept he may be a better person with them than with me. Let's just say I would never trust him with money! Maybe find out when the wedding is and arrange a day out for the uninvited, to remind you all how special you are to each other? Big hugs from oop norf as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackrocksrock Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 We did not get an invite to my husbands niece's wedding in England like the English family did but then there was a funeral,my husbands mother and we headed down to it - then the embarrassment was obvious and they came and verbally invited us - said we were so far away up here they did not expect we would come - well it would have been nice to be invited - we said No we are down now and its too close to come again - I sent a cheque for a present and am still awaiting 3 years later a reply of thank you - that was them off the xmas card and every list - families cannot live with them and cannot live without them huh! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valkyrie Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 ANH - typical isn't it. But I think the same lines as PL - let it ride. Funnily enough I may be shunned (and now I'm relieved to have taken myself out of that nasty place) by my closest family but my dad's cousin found me a little while back on Genes reunited and I went to visit her in Norfolk last year and she's lovely. This year I was invited to her family's get together and we all met up near here - 3 generations of cousins and it was such fun. Strange thing is she and her sister and their daughters have been meeting up near me for years as it seems to be a halfway point between them all. All those years I could have been down the pub with hubby's cousins and we could have been there at the same time but never knew we were related. Some things always turn up to surprise us. And although it was the first time I'd met all of that side, I felt at home - which is more than I've felt since my dad died. So there is light at the end of the tunnel - and I think the uninvited party sounds a brilliant idea. Um I haven't told my mum about meeting up with my long lost family - she'd be so jealous and I don't want to spark another "try and make Kerry feel guilty" session. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickencam Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 I would say that it is far better to stay with your family who care than to be in a situation where you are not welcome. Just rise above it and consider it to be their loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chickendoodle Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 I'm very sad and hurt that my niece has made this decision but I understand that she wants to believe her father rather than accept that he is a lying, manipulative thief. I would say that it probably wasn't your niece who made this decision. Her Dad would only need to say "there's no way you are inviting xxxxx to this wedding when I am paying for it" and it would be out of her hands. Just try to rationalise it in your head. They are the ones with the problem, not you. Have a party on the same day and raise a glass ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soapdragon Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 There is a saying (I'm sure everyone has come across it at some time) that you can choose your friends but not your family. So true - if only we could ! You are capable of rising above this and your idea of a seperate day out is brilliant...go for it and enjoy yourself (at least you won't have to come face to face with your brother which, I imagine, might be very difficult so there is a silver lining to every cloud .) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lewis Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 Sorry to hear it. I remember everything happening with your brother, doesn't seem like 2 years ago! We're really close to my Moms side of the family, see and speak to them all regularly, go on holidays and for big family meals but not at all close to my Dads half. Dad and his brother fell out years ago so they never speak, I don't have a problem with my cousins so we speak a few times a year; we used to send Christmas and Birthday cards to our cousins but they stopped a while back so we stopped a couple years after that. Cousins all work fairly locally so whenever we see them we'll stop and have a chat but that's about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluekarin Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 Having been to a wedding for my sister in law, where it was clear the whole family didn't want me and my husband there. Things are okay now, but at the time not so much. I would say although it's harsh what's been done, you are better off not going. I think it's awful them telling you that they aren't inviting you though I'd rather just not get an invite and be done with it. At least there is a light in that the two youngest might be realising just what is going on. I think maybe you niece knows as well, but as he is her dad she might not want to admit it. Especially if they are close. I think the celebration day for the uninvited sounds fab! A lovely meal together, a nice countryside walk to blow away all the bad stuff, bliss Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kinsk Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 I'm very sad and hurt that my niece has made this decision but I understand that she wants to believe her father rather than accept that he is a lying, manipulative thief. I would say that it probably wasn't your niece who made this decision. I agree with this. As hard as it is rise above it, the day would be awkward for everyone concerned, not least for your niece knowing the acrimony between you and her father, and would you really enjoy the day anyway? I'd write her a nice letter/card closer to the wedding wishing her all the best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted October 21, 2014 Author Share Posted October 21, 2014 Thanks for all your wise words . I know my niece is being influenced by her dad but he's not even paying for the wedding (it's not a fancy affair, civil ceremony and a village hall with friends/family doing the catering). My niece hasn't told me herself we're not being invited, her mum did - we're on very good terms (sharing a mutual hatred of my brother!). She's mortified, as is all her family but the wedding is going to be a bit awkward anyway as she doesn't like the groom who is a lot older and has kids with different partners already. Quite apart from missing the first wedding of this generation in my family, I would have loved the chance to introduce myself to my brother's "family" . I suspect they don't even know I exist as he didn't tell me about them, I found out from his ex-wife, who assumed I knew . I think I'm the only one that's bothered, tbh, my boys aren't exactly heartbroken . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PixieDust Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 (edited) I have a similar sort of thing with my OH's family and my mum's sisters. Mum's sisters think I am being a nasty person if I am not contacting them every 5 mins and OH's mum and sister are the in-laws from hell. Sorry to hear this about the wedding. It's awful that people's troubles have to intervene with other people's lives and have a knock-on effect which means more people fall out. I can't say it'll be alright because you will never be able to be there for the wedding day, but I hope the truth will out and you family, or at least part of it, join together before it's all too late. Just edited to say how do you talk about a female dog if it gets censored lol Edited October 22, 2014 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purplemaniacs Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 So sorry ANH. Families are funny things and I think weddings and funerals bring the worst out in them. As others have said your niece probably did not have much say in it and doesn't want to risk upsetting her father by going against his wishes. A colleague at work went to an evening do last weekend, her OH's brothers wedding, the new wife is not liked by anyone, her ex was invited as their son was there and he went around introducing him to everyone and judged by their responses informed almost all the guests that they were not in the Lucy fan club, it turned out 99% of the guests disliked her and were only there because they like the groom. I can see there being fun and games in that family in the future Could you meet up with your niece after the wedding to wish her well? Chrissie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted October 23, 2014 Author Share Posted October 23, 2014 Unfortunately she lives a couple of hundred miles away so that's not really an option. Realistically, the next time I'll see any of them will be at my mum's funeral, whenever that is. I wish I could "uninvite" my brother but he'll be there, pretending to have been a loving, caring son . I plan to send my niece a wedding present and perhaps a card for the wedding day, if they're having that kind of thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purplemaniacs Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 Sorry a bit of a trek to see them then! Sending a present and a card is a good idea, I am sure she would like that. Chrissie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PixieDust Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 Yes a very good idea! Then they can't say you are being mean and "well that's why we didn't invite them". You know what I mean. Be gracious in your absence! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted October 23, 2014 Author Share Posted October 23, 2014 That's my plan . My brother dropped me like a hot potato 2 years ago but also dropped his two nephews. No cards, birthday money (even for a 21st). I've not stooped to his level and have continued to send gifts or money and cards to all his 4 kids. Forgot to mention the one piece of good news my sister-in-law told me - my brother's girlfriend of about 5 years has dumped him . I reckon it would've been a lot sooner if they'd actually lived together, you can't hide the fact that you're a sociopath from someone 24/7. I always thought she was a bit naive and ignored the signs that he was up to no good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valkyrie Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 Hmmm. I gave my niece a Christmas present followed by a birthday present. Only to have a letter saying we have not accepted your gifts and we have left the Christmas present with your mother (who mentioned nothing). It was only after that when things blew up I was told that I was not going to be allowed to bribe their daughter!!! Eh? She was only just 2 years old! It was between my brother and I - although in hindsight I still feel the instigator was my SIL. And why would anyone think I was bribing their daughter? More likely because my father used to get presents during the year from "his special friend" which was her. She never gave my mother gifts. Now is that because I was his daughter and he wouldn't call her his other daughter (he thought it was funny, I said to him that it was weird). I have never given my FIL such things! So maybe she was trying to bribe my dad - I will never know and even if it was, it never worked. As far as I'm aware I don't think my niece knows about us apart from maybe being distant relatives. There are few photos of us on show at mum's house compared with lots of photos of her and her cousins on her mother's side of the family (why my mum would want those pics on show I have no idea - they aren't related). Crikey, she'll be 6 at the end of January! At least your niece is aware of you and has contact with you and I think that's a lovely gesture - I don't think she'd be returning the wedding gift, and I'm sure she'll appreciate it muchly! I agree, don't sink to his level, rise above and treat him with the contempt he deserves. xxxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
