Solitary chicken - need advice

[Cinnamon]

I hate to come here & dump my worries on y'all, but I really need some outside advice.

 

As you may know I emigrate to France next week.

You would think that any parent seeing their child do this would show a little interest, but no. My father has totally ignored me for around 6 months now.

He has not rang me, not responded to my phone messages, he didn't respond to an email I sent with our current house sale plans, nor the one I sent with our new house.

He hasn't commented on any photos on Facebook, nor mentioned anything about our plans to relatives.

He has also ignored my sister who has 7 month old baby twins, for 3 months.

I live literally 5 mins down the road from him. He never ever comes over.

 

He all but ignored my 50th birthday this week. I got a £20 in an envelope sent through the post!

My Husband & My BIL get nothing not even a card.

 

Neither my sister nor I get along with my brothers wife. My Dad dotes on my Brother, his wife & their children.

He sees them at least 4 times a week. He babysat all week for them this week, as their usual girl was on holiday.

 

Needless to say a HUGE fuss is made of SIL on her birthday & my Brother had a massive lunch arranged and paid for by my Dad at his golf club. All of SIL's family were invited too! My sister & I waited for our birthday lunches (we both had significant birthdays this year, my brother did not) to no avail

 

I probably sound like a jealous moany old bag, but I am leaving this country & may never see him again & it feels like he doesn't give a damn.

Aside from that he also has no contact with my daughters & I really want a strong network of support for them when we are in France.

 

I have tried tackling him about his favouritism before, & he walked out on me one, slammed the phone down on me another time.

 

Any words of wisdom?

[Groovychook]

I'm sorry Sarah, must be tough when you've got your big move coming up.

 

I have to say that I could be reading about my Dad when I read your story. It mirrors my situation in so many ways. My Dad married an awful woman very soon after Mum died and has cut off my sister and I and also my Aunt and Uncle because none of us get on with her (she was on the scene before my Mum passed away).

 

I've tried to build a relationship with him independent of her but he's not interested. I think she gives him so much earache that his loyalties lay solely with her now. He lives 20 minutes away from me but he's only seen my little boy who's 3 on four brief occasions and that's after I've practically begged him to come and see him. It was my 50th in April too and amazingly, he actually came to see me and bought me a seat for the garden. A lovely surprise and I thought we were getting somewhere but he's gone back to ignoring me again.

 

All I would say is that I've come to the realisation that he's made his decision and there's nothing I can do about that no matter how much I try or how much it hurts. I keep contacting him and trying to keep some form of contact open... that's all I can do. I stopped dwelling on it a while back and came to the conclusion that he has to live his life and I have to live mine.

 

You've got such an exciting time ahead of you- a completely new phase of your life. Don't let the situation with your Dad spoil that. Maybe you could instigate a family get together if you come back for a visit once you're settled and get your brother to invite your Dad along? For the time being though, I'd just plough on ahead with your new life. You never know, a bit of distance between you and your Dad might help him to realise what he's missing.

 

Wanted to wish you the very best of luck with the move though... I didn't realise it was coming up so soon!

[Cinnamon]

 

All I would say is that I've come to the realisation that he's made his decision and there's nothing I can do about that no matter how much I try or how much it hurts. I keep contacting him and trying to keep some form of contact open... that's all I can do. I stopped dwelling on it a while back and came to the conclusion that he has to live his life and I have to live mine.

 

I am really trying to move on & to stop dwelling on it all, but it is really difficult, as I am sure you know.

 

I feel horrible for my sister too who wants him to have some sort of relationship with his granddaughters, but unless they are my Brothers children he just is not interested.

 

One thing this has taught my Husband & I is that we will never ever show any partiality to either of our daughters, because it is very hurtful.

[Groovychook]

It is so hard and I really do understand

It's horrible to feel rejected by a parent whatever age you are. I think things must be feeling especially difficult for you at the moment because of the big changes you are about to make. I don't think it's really a case of moving on, but just living with it. You never know what might happen in the future.

 

Just keep thinking of that gorgeous place you're moving to. You sister and family are going to have some amazing holidays with you

 

Sending you a big hug.

[patsylabrador]

I was going to say that's sad but my Mum and Dad haven't spoken to me for around 2 1/2 years and I refuse to feel sad about it.

I'm shocked, I really did think they liked me once upon a time. I also feel indignant.

What I'm trying to say is that I agree how hard it is to move on and how your mind goes over it. I know my previous relationship with a lot of my family is dead in the water and it's never going to be 'fixed' but it's very hard to shake them off. They're sort of like ghosts that have fixed themselves to you.

I hope your move goes brilliantly and you are all very happy.

[AndyRoo]

Sorry to hear that. I can kind of relate: my sister is my father's favourite, although my situation is a bit different as my father and I have never gotten along.

 

I think you've done all you can, maybe just let nature take its course as it were. You can only do so much.

 

I hope your move goes smoothly, though; I am very jealous!

[Alis girls]

I do feel for you and your sister. Famillies are a nightmare. I really only have 2 oldies to look after from a distant and as much as I love them they do sometimes drive me nuts.

I think you have to move and if possible forget him. You have your sister and family, you have a whole new life awaiting you and your girls and if grandpa is that horrible do they really want him in their lives. Will be interesting to see if brother is so keen to muck in if dad needs nursing in later life or gets dementia. Then you see the real picture.

Enjoy your new life - sorry if I make it sound easy but at times I have wished I didnt have family as screwed me up at times. You have lots of friends and will make many more.

Ali xx

[gavclojak]

I think the problem is you can't make someone in to the parent you want or deserve. It must be very upsetting to see these double standards but you have to remember it's his issues and not yours. I guess you already have but I would write a letter recorded delivered so he has to sign for it, write down how you feel and how you want things to pan out, if you want him in your life you may have to accept his behaviour. If you can't accept it then make it clear it will be his loss as a father and grandfather.

 

Your relationship with your sister in law is nothing to do with him

 

I know it's easier said than done but "let it be" and I know this from bitter experience

[Cinnamon]

Thanks all - wise words.

 

It's hard but I will try to move on & leave him to it. I don't have my Mum anymore (she would have given him a telling off for sure!), so it is difficult. He has made his position clear though, so I have decided not to lose any more sleep over him.

 

Ali, interesting what you say about later life care. I have said from the first time I met my SIL that she is after Dads money. She has successfully driven a wedge between us & I reckon they will relish the late life care he may need, safe in the knowledge that Dad will be leaving them everything.

I am only slightly surprised that he hasn't moved in with them already

Good luck to them!

[Valkyrie]

Hmmm I have a SIL that did that with my brother, my mother and I. It took her a while. But although it was difficult with my mum (who then moved down to be near the favourite and his wife and a new grandchild) but then they don't take my mum on holiday (neither do I because SIL said mum was frightened of OH - she's denied saying that so I don't know - mum can be quite manipulative as I discovered), don't take her to the docs or shopping. They did buy her a shopping trolley. On the other hand it's been great for her - she has made herself do things she wouldn't normally have done with me. She's made friends and although things were very difficult for a long time, it has come easier with time. I see her on my terms now and slowly we have enjoyed time together. I have no set time to visit or phone call. I seem to be much more appreciated now. When I go I still drive her to the shops if she needs to get anything while I'm visiting -she likes the monster truck! Jumps in like a mountain goat! She's much fitter than she was, goes knitting and has made new friends - she wouldn't have done that before.

 

However it's slightly different because we did keep in touch. Your dad has made it quite obvious that he couldn't give a monkeys - and because of that it's time to say goodbye. You will feel guilty for a while (I did with my brother) but soon you realise it was their choice not to speak or keep a distance. Eventually you will relax and spend more time doing what you want to do. It's surprising how many of us actually have had similar issues. Always the favourite that does nothing but the ground they walk on is worshipped to a sickening degree. If he ever does get in touch then treat it with kid gloves and keep things to how you want to see a possible relationship going - at arms length at first. But don't jump through hoops for him. The stress you feel at the moment goes, and then you start to relax and enjoy life. It will be difficult but time heals. Focus on the family that do care. His loss.

 

It's wonderful that you are making a new start - use that to your advantage. Perhaps your daughters will come to live close by eventually. I'm sure they'll cope without their grandfather.

[soapdragon]

You are wise to move on, Sarah. Your father is unlikely to undergo a massive change overnight and has clearly made his feelings known, tho that is upsetting for you and some of your family its to be lived with. However, you obviously have other loving and supportive relatives and that's the important thing! You are a lady of strong character and courage (as illustrated by your move to a new life ) and have some wonderful adventures ahead of you together with your OH!

 

All luck and happiness to you, your OH and your girls; your father is the loser in all this even if he does not/will not realise it. Move forward, M'dear and don't look back

[Ain't Nobody Here]

That must be especially hurtful at this exciting point in your life - you'd expect a parent to be at least a bit interested if not supportive. He's not changed in his attitude towards you though, it's just your change in circumstances which is making you question it so I think you should just put him behind you and focus on your move and on the family who do care about you. I bet once you've moved and are busy building your new life, you'll rarely think about the silly old sod!

 

I've managed to (almost) forget about my odious brother and it's made life much more pleasant.

 

Best of luck for your move, I bet you'll have the time of your life .

[Alis girls]

Yes when you get your accommodation business up and running do let us know website. Great advice on here. His loss not yours.

[dancing cloud]

Ditto everything above about it being his problem and about you looking forward to your own adventure and letting him go. And ditto about that beng easier said than done. As a non-favourite child, I know how it feels to blend with the wallpaper when the favoured one is around - in my case it was my mother playing favourites.

 

It may be, in his own way, your dad's trying to get used to the idea of you moving away and cutting you off before you leave him? but then he's no reason for doing that to yur sister as well, so I suspect I'm just trying to make sense where there is none . Sounds like your sister could provide just the support network your daughters can rely on, rather than an unreliable grandad.

 

Make sure your dad's got the ability to contact you if he wants to and then walk away knowing you've done everything you can.

 

Adventure awaits !

[patsylabrador]

I don't even understand what is wrong with parents that have favourites and also why it's always the needy one who gives nothing back that they choose. It must satisfy some need they have.

 

I tried hard to do the good daughter thing but I knew from quite young that I was up against some kind of demigod so I left home as soon as possible and asked for nothing. That was wrong - apparently the way it works is because I don't ask for help ever means I have had everything easy and therefore should be more sympathetic towards other more needy siblings.

 

At one point, quite recently I thought I had found a friend in my mum but I didn't realise it was a very conditional friendship and I failed her and was told some very unkind things so I 'left' again and don't intend to go back.

 

All my kids approach life in different ways and I find that fascinating, definitely nature over nurture. That's something to celebrate surely and not be resentful.

[chickencam]

My parents stopped talking to my paternal grandparents when I was about 18, I didn't get it and still don't, after leaving home I lived close to my grandparents and saw them regularly, but always felt disloyal and hated being piggy in the middle. I just don't get how parents can have favourite children, I have 3 they are all different and I feel that I have a child for every mood, a serious one who I can talk politics with, an ethical one, who I can debate the deeper things in life with and a compassionate banterous one, who makes me look at the world in a different way.

I hope that you manage to move on and enjoy your exciting new venture, don't let others dampen your dreams.

[bluekarin]

So sad, but a perfect time to make that break. Maybe one last letter with an address of where you are moving to and that your two are in the UK and might need some help, and leave it at that. New country, new life. All the new things you'll be doing, all the new friends you'll be making. Let his faves deal with him in old age and you go and have fun

[The Dogmother]

i'm sorry to hear that Sarah, it obviously upsets you as others have said, I will never understand families, favourites and all that stuff.

 

My view on it would be that you have made your moves to sort it out, and your feelings known; hard though it may seem, I would be inclined to just walk away and get on with your life, leave all the bitterness behind. You have an amazing opportunity now to set all that aside, and to get on with your positive new life.

 

That may sound harsh, but as I've got older, I have become less of a pleaser, and more inclined to think that folks are adults, and if they choose to act like eejits, then I don't care much to have them in my life.

 

You have so much ahead of you; shrug off all those drains and negativity, and move on