Poorly chicken

[Alis girls]

Where do others stand on letting out a room that's vacated by a child at uni? I ask as ES's ex - her parents have let out her room. She sleeps on sofa. My son still likes her they are good mates and he was appalled. Hes heard of other parents who do this. They don't need the money. She's a nice lass but doesn't gel with people of my age, which is sad but can see why. She's had a lot of relationships but I think she's looking for affection. I now wish I had cut her a bit of slack as she could be quite cool even when I made her welcome. Am I being naive here? I know the Omleteers are good parents. Wondered your take on this.

[The Dogmother]

I was thinking of this Ali, especially as we have lots of contract staff at work, who travel up to the office and stay locally, so they'd be Monday-Friday lets, which means having the weekend to yourself.

[bluekarin]

Hmm, if we were short of money, and had the space, we would do this. But as we don't have the space, although need to money we would not. I would only deem a room not being one of my kids anymore when they move out into their own home. I think its a bit odd what your sons ex gf parents have done, esp if their own daughter is having to sleep on a sofa!

[The Dogmother]

I hasten to add that I have another room for Madam

[Alis girls]

I think it's permanent not M-F. According to son it's all the time. I don't know what she's done with stuff prob I n storage. The tenant is a guy hope they have done checks as they have a 15 yr old son. None of my business but my son who still likes her felt sorry for her. It's no wonder she finds older people a pain.

Edited September 1, 2016 by Guest

[Alis girls]

Have to say Claire ES spotted "madam"in photo you had posted on another thread and said "she's hot" I said she was off to Edinburgh which is a long way from Bristol. Sorry hes a typical young male who likes a pretty face. Men!

[The Dogmother]

She has a boyfriend

[Alis girls]

I thought she had. Be surprising if she hadn't she's stunning.

[merlina]

Not as a parent (cos cats don't count ) but as a Uni lecturer, I find this very odd indeed.

Most Uni accommodation is academic year only, for eg, - is she going to sleep on the sofa all summer? What about Xmas etc? It sounds like she's been left with nowhere private at all - Uni accommodation is rarely that.

Most students get homesick. Almost all talk about going to the sanctuary of home, of being back in their rooms and how important that is to them. The ones who don't have that tend to be the ones who drop out or who have difficulties and spend a lot of time with counselling and support.

Of course there are a few hardy/independent types to whom none of that applies at all. But if I knew that was one of my students I'd be keeping a very close eye on them indeed

[Grandmashazzie]

If they don't need money I find this unsettling. By the sound of what's already gone on in her life she would be quite needy/vulnerable, and to have your room 'given' to someone else would send her a very clear message. I'm thinking 'you are not part of this family'. It deprives her of a secure base,somewhere she belongs,and as you say where is her stuff. My youngest is 31,renting in Nottingham and has been since uni. I could well do with her room,for foster kids. But is a step I won't take until she has own space. It is full of bits and bobs from schooldays,special toys etc and I know she would be gutted if it wasn't there, even though she is home for a few weeks throughout the year. I think the key word is home. It is her special space.

[soapdragon]

I do find it very odd that her room has been let out before she has 'formally' left home (ie; to buy or rent her own place.) I agree that this must be very unsettling for her and a bit of a kick in the teeth - sending out a very negative messge! I always view bedrooms (mine included!) as a very personal sanctuary and we knock before going into either of the boy's rooms (they are 12 and and try really hard to respect their space (even if ES does look like a pigsty...its HIS pigsty )

[Alis girls]

Soapdragon we are related - we too have a pigsty YS's abode. No I am glad its not just me. I feel for her - shes vunerable despite the cold outer surface - I am glad I made an effort even if it was rebuffed. God help younger kids who move out cos of abuse. Merlina - wish my sons tutors at uni were as caring as you. My son asked for something to be clarified and was told if he got help then everyone would want it. he got his own back when they came to doing questionaire on tutors. This guy got a big thumbs down from students.

[chickencam]

My ED's room is still her room even though she is 23 and has been away at uni and rented short term near where she has been working for the past year. She is now off traveling for a couple of months do we have all of get stuff back and I can't see her leaving home properly for another year or so. Same with DS he is half way through uni at the moment, no idea where he will end up afterwards, he has an American girlfriend so they could end up anywhere. I feel that they have a safe haven here until they have a permenant home elsewhere. It would be a different issue perhaps if we needed to downside financially maybe.

[Valkyrie]

Personally I think that sounds so wrong. Says the person who took over son's room for a sewing room. And now he's back but he's sleeping in there and not on the settee! It sounds rather harsh to let out their child's room when technically she hasn't left home - she's still in education.

[patsylabrador]

Because I don't like the feel of bedrooms waiting for someone we've turned their rooms into something else, one is our gym, the other is a sort of upstairs sitting room

and the room in the loft is for storage and a sort of den with our old LPs and record player. The two bigger rooms are still cosy and have sofa beds and can be turned into bedrooms if required. DD is currently looking for somewhere to live so she has the loft as her bedroom and can chill out in the spare 'living room' if she wants.

It's important that this is still their home when necessary but I'm not nice enough to keep their rooms intact for them.

But I didn't change their rooms until I felt confident that they were moving on. That seems quite cruel.

[gavclojak]

Ooooo I say.....My son is 33 and left home several years ago and we redecorated his room and its now the 'spare room' but it will always be his room! if I needed the cash then that's an avenue I might explore but even at that point I would turf out the lodger to make way for any of my kids should they need it.

 

When they were away at University i used to adore their triumphant return, the rooms would get a spruce up, fridge got filled with treats and I pussy footed around them for the weeks they were back. I don't understand anything different

[WitchHazel]

It sounds a bit odd that they would do that. There must be something more to it**

 

How do you *know* they don't need the money? Perhaps they do.

Or perhaps she's a bit flakey about Uni and it's their way of making sure she doesn't leave Uni to come home?

 

*although some parents really *are* odd/do odd things.

[Alis girls]

I don't know but ES had asked her and she said no. ES said they are minted I do know it's an odd child\parent relationship as I have heard stuff from another mum whose son she dated. It sounds like it does happen. I am not judging just sad for another young person a struggling in this mad world. I am by no means a perfect parent just the best I can be.

[Grandmashazzie]

Ali's girls there is no such thing as the perfect parent ( or the perfect child ). We just do as you say and try our best. We brought the little darlings into this world,or decided to parent them and we need to try our very best . It is the ones who put themselves first and are selfish that can cause lasting damage to kids.