Guest Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 am getting ready to go and conduct a funeral for an 81yr old "recluse" - he didn't used to be - but he cut himself off when his wife died over 20 years ago... he has several cousins - some of whom I have spoken to on the phone - but all of whom have made some excuse/have some reason not to come to his funeral service. So - there will be "Ooops, word censored!"ody there. he was found quite some time after he died in total squalor (the funeral director warns me that there is nothing they can do about the smell as he is "in three bags") will take the missus along so there is at least someone there but..... moral of the tale.. don't burn any bridges... Phil Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keanie Bean Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 What a shame for you and him too. Do you still have to even have a funeral for him? Sorry if that's a dim question. I'm not very clued up on the legalities of these things. Sarah.x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 Very sad indeed. If he has left a fortune, it will be interesting to see exactly how many relatives put their hands up then. Poor chap. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina C Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 How very sad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helen&Lee Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 Its so sad At the beginning of March I went to a funeral of a man who lived in our hamlet - there were 10 of us there, 2 old friends, and the rest neighbours. His 'family' daughter, sons etc. turned up at his little bungalow a few days after he died, spent an afternoon there never to return..... George knew his time left was limited and had obviously made it clear that he wanted a church service and burial overlooking the Teme Valley, I doubt he would have got that if he hadn't made his wishes clear. The bungalow (rented) is just being cleared now - they have had to go to court to get access to clear it. We said at the time he must have been a bad boy before he moved here to have no family there - I wonder if they have any sort of closure with themselves now? Helen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christian Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 So sad. You hear of these things are hope it never happens to you. My Gran's neighbour died and she was the only one at the funeral. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 Very sad indeed. I hope you do him well Phil. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seagazer Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 That is so sad, what a depressing end to his life. When my great aunt died there was only my mum, dad and nan there. We were too young. I always thought that was sad. She didn't have any children and none of my mum's sisters or brother bothered coming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 What a shame for you and him too. Do you still have to even have a funeral for him? Sorry if that's a dim question. I'm not very clued up on the legalities of these things. Sarah.x he has to be either buried or cremated. the solicitors have arranged the service. i could just turn up - push the button - and leave it at that.. (or the crematorium could) but I think every life should be remembered and its ending marked in a significant way - so.. family or no family - there will be a eulogy and a proper service! unfortunately people dying unmourned and with "Ooops, word censored!"ody noticing is far more common then many would like to think.... Phil Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buffie Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 That is sad Phil. I guess the saddest part for me is the squalor before he died. Perhaps now a happy release It's good he'll have a good send off, BBx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 I hope you do him proud Phil! My aunt died last month and she was a bit similar. Her husband was her whole life (no children) and when he died she gradually pushed away her sisters and refused to see anyone, becoming extremely bitter, angry and spiteful. Her funeral was small, but my mother managed to say some nice things about her. We sent her off in as civilised and pleasant a way as was possible. Every soul deserves to be loved and his/her death noticed and mourned. I'm pleased he has you at least to wish him peace now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poachedegg Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 Revnev/Phil, That is a lovely lovely thing you are doing - giving somebody a little diginity at the end...well done you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiggy Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 we see this from time to time, but you are right about rels & money, when I was a student I looked after an elderly lady & her neighbour came in every day to see her, the neighbour looked after the budgie & the house, A solicitor arrived one day & the elderly lady the ward sister Dr & solicitor were in a meeting for a long while, 2 weeks later the elderly lady died. After the funeral the rels turned up on the ward & had a great big row with the ward sister. The old gal had left everything to the neighbour & the family were furious They tried to say that she was not of sound mind when she changed her will but the canny old girl had had the Dr in at the time of the will rewriting so there was nothing they could do about it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinnamon Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 (edited) Its lovely that he has you to do the right thing for him Phil Personally I don't want a funeral when I go. But thats my choice & my decision - everyone should get the send off they want & deserve Edited June 17, 2008 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lisa33 Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 How awful. At least you are there to care about his life / death however lonely it may have been. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olly Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 That's a sad story, and I'm glad you and your wife will be there to mark his passing. The saddest thing to me however is not that he died alone, but that he lived alone. Perhaps there were good reasons why he cut himself off from family, but sadly many old people just don't have anyone to care for them. I'm in contact with elderly people through a charity I'm involved with. All are single (or widowed), and some had no children and no brothers or sisters - there is "Ooops, word censored!"ody to visit them, help them, or fight their corner when they become ill. I find that heartbreaking - I come from a large family, and when my parents were at the end of their life there was no shortage of visitors and helpers. Be a good neighbour - keep an eye out for anyone near you who may be isolated and lonely. They may be too proud to ask for help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 Be a good neighbour - keep an eye out for anyone near you who may be isolated and lonely. They may be too proud to ask for help. I'd second that - you always run the risk of being told to mind your own business but assistance might be welcome. Very sad Phil - and nice to know that you will be giving him that final dignity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tessa the Duchess Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 This is sad, to have "Ooops, word censored!"ody that cares about you Sometimes people end up living in a very reclusive way, they fall out with their family, perhaps their friends die, they are too frail to cope with hygiene and housework and they won't have anything to do with social services, it all ends up very badly. My mum was nearly 99 when she died a few years ago. I am an only child, all her other relatives and friends had died so when I came to organising her funeral I found it difficult to locate people to invite. I was determined she was going to have a 'bit of a do' so I invited her home help, her gardener and loads of neighbours, I didn't want her to have an Eleanor Rigby kind of funeral as she had been surrounded by good friends and family when she was younger. It went really well, even though I say it myself Tessa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chocchick Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 i could just turn up - push the button - and leave it at that.. (or the crematorium could) but I think every life should be remembered and its ending marked in a significant way - so.. family or no family - there will be a eulogy and a proper service! That is so touching, I'm glad at least you and your wife are there. How sad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 That's a sad story, and I'm glad you and your wife will be there to mark his passing.The saddest thing to me however is not that he died alone, but that he lived alone. Perhaps there were good reasons why he cut himself off from family, but sadly many old people just don't have anyone to care for them. it seems that he started to cut himself off when his wife died 20-odd years ago - he began to neglect himself - refused to have people (family and old friends) around - and reassured them that he had very good neighbours who kept an eye on him (he didn't) the bungalow deteriorated - being actually totally overgorwn by the garden - and rotted away inside - with him in it. neighbours must have noticed - but i guess he must have made it very hard for anyone to intervene. police said that it was the worst case of domestic chaos/grime/filth the had ever enountered. as it happens - the solicitor came herself - and she had tracked down an old friend (who hadn't seen him for 20 years - since his wife's funeral in fact. they had exchanged b'day cards and christmas cards - and (quite lengthy) phone calls now and again - but no hint of the state he was in - he always insisted his neighbours looked after him.. and never allowed him to visit. so - friend was quite shocked to hear what had happened. so - apart from me - solicitor, old (not-that-close) friend - and the missus... and no family. he was one of those people that was SO wrapped up in his wife/marriage - that he didn't have much time for anything else - and when he lost her (cancer) he simply could not cope and could not find a new "reason to live" he tried quite hard - and succeeded in cutting himself off from those who might have helped.... very sad.... Phil Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cooks Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 Personally I don't want a funeral when I go. But thats my choice & my decision - everyone should get the send off they want & deserve My great aunt died a few years back now, and made them all agree that she would not have a 'funeral' It upset everyone, and to be honest the day she was cremated was terrible. She just did not want to have a funeral in any way shape or form. She left all her money to cancer research which the family honoured in everyway. Her flat was rented (although she had quite a bit in the bank) Cancer research however said they were not interested in the contents etc of her flat.. they just wanted the money... a little callous I thought. We all went round and cleared it for the next family/person to live in and donated everything to the charity shops as that was as near as we could do to honor her wish. I hope she was happy with our efforts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mad house Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 Poor man, he must have been so lonely. If I lived nearer I would have gone. RIP old friend Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen & co. Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 I'm glad there was a small turnout for him, occasionally there is a funeral reported in the local paper with no names listed, it breaks my heart Karen x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chucknette Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 The gentleman was in all of our thoughts today though, thanks to Phil, so we were all there if not in body. I wish the gentleman to rest in peace and happiness with his wife whom he lost so long ago and has now reunited. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hils78 Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 Gosh - I'm usually a tough nut but this has brought a tear to my eye. Poor old "Ooops, word censored!". Well done in seeing him off honourably. x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
