Single hen

[Ain't Nobody Here]

I don't want to sound like I'm wallowing in self-pity but I just feel awful at the moment and was hoping to get some comfort from all you kind, understanding people.

 

Friends of ours lost their beautiful, talented 16 year old daughter 2 1/2 weeks ago. She had headaches for a few days but died suddenly in her sleep. They still don't know why.

 

Obviously I and everyone else who knew her was devastated at the news. I found myself on the verge of or in tears all the time and couldn't talk about it without crying. We went to her funeral yesterday. I've never been to a sadder funeral in my life. The church was full of 16 year old children and a considerable number of adults openly crying. It was a beautiful service though, taken by a teacher at the school (who is a minister) and had pop music playing at the start, the school chamber choir singing and a slide show of her life. Her dad even managed to stand up and speak about his little girl.

 

Nearly 3 weeks after her death I'm still on the verge of tears almost all the time. It's the first thing I think about when I wake up and go to sleep and it's rarely off my mind. We didn't know the family very well, they just went through the same path in life as us - 2 kids the same age, who were in the same classes at school, who we saw at school events or on the sports pitches. OH socialised occasionally with her dad. My boys weren't particularly close to their kids.

 

I know it's a dreadfully sad and tragic event and it's normal to be sad but I don't know when I'll stop feeling like this. I'm in tears even typing about it. I feel like I have no right to be this upset, when her parents are going through the worst thing that could happen to a parent.

 

A friend suggested it might be a reaction to all the rubbish things that have happened to me this year. I don't know if that's likely or not.

 

Do you have any experience or advice for me?

[Mel (& Paul)]

oh poor you - what a pants time you are having

of course you are going to feel absolutely awful - and if you have had lots of other rubbish things happen to you as well you are going to feel even worse

and when you are feeling down every little thing can seem to be even worse than it is.

you have come to the right place for lots of hugs

you will find that you are not alone here - and there are lots of people that have been through some, if not all of what you are going through - so will totally understand

lots of big hugs

xxxxx

[Plum]

Hugs for you. Its hard when the loss is close and you can relate to it so much. I just burst out crying if I hear news of someone loosing a son of one of mines age.

Reaction to your bad year is only a very little part of it.

Horrible. Poor you and your friend and family. Cant say anything to make it any easier, that would belittle it.

More hugs. xx

[little chickadee]

Hugs from over here too. I was at a funeral today of someone I didn't really know that well, just along to support her husband. I found myself a bit teary even though I didn't know her.

 

I find that each funeral I go to gets harder as it brings back the memory of my dad's funeral (when I was 11) and all the other ones I've been to since. They have the habit of bringing all the sadness to the surface.

I know that since having my kids, anything about children dying has upset me terribly and I find it hard to even read anything about a child dying. Hope you feel more together soon. You can always have a cry on here and be assured of hugs being sent over to you.

[Seagazer]

You poor thing Vicki, I know exactly how you feel. Even now months on when I walk past where Rob was murdered it makes me shudder. ES has gone off in a car with one of the other boys that was stabbed tonight, how they carry on 'normally' I don't know. Rob's mum was on tv the other week and I recorded it for Tom and it made me cry. I was watching the tv and reading a paper last month and the tv went quiet and when I looked up there was a memorial photo of Rob with his year of birth and death (the programme was After You've Gone - he had a small part in it). Burst into tears. I didn't even know him but it is the shock of such a young person dying.

 

As you know I also had the death of a friend's son in a car crash last month, it was his funeral a couple of weeks ago. I didn't go, I'm friends but not close, but because we live in the same road I saw his funeral procession going down the road. So unbearably sad, his family have not been seen out of the house. I feel terrible but I don't want to intrude but I don't want her to think he's forgotten.

 

Everytime I look at her house I think of him and watching him grow up for the last 12 years, so tragic.

 

I think sometimes in life things affect us differently, you have had an awful lot to contend with lately so perhaps some of that might be mixed up in the emotion but it doesn't mean that it isn't right to mourn deeply for someone. We have to cry sometimes, bottling it up does no-one any good.

[Karen & co.]

So sorry you feel so sad at the moment A 16 year old pupil at my school died in April and I burst into tears the other day when I looked up at his photo in our office (he was one of our SEN pupils ) and we all worked with him one to one. It's his birthday on 31st October, and it won't be the same this year wihout him saying he is a vampire because of his birthday

 

It will get easier but it's OK still to think of people and get upset, as it shows you cared.

 

Take care,

 

Karen x

[Guest]

...A friend suggested it might be a reaction to all the rubbish things that have happened to me this year. I don't know if that's likely or not.

 

Do you have any experience or advice for me?

 

 

It's quite possible as you've had to hold it together for so long!!!! We've both had a hell of a lot to contend with this last 12 months so I kind of know how you're feeling. We've both had ill parents, we've both been in contact with birth relatives (if you want to chat about that by the way, PM me) and we've both had to come to terms with a bereavment. Your emotions are all over the place so don't try and analyse why you're so upset, if you feel like a cry, have one. Be careful not to make yourself ill though, when you're feeling depressed and low, your immune system takes a battering so look after yourself and don't be too hard on yourself for being upset. It IS a tragic thing for a life to be taken away so young.

 

If it's getting to you that badly, why not have a word with your GP, he'll probably be able to give you something to help or if you don't want to go down the medication route, try some Bach's rescue remedy. I bought some on Tuesday to help me cope with losing Harry.

 

Lots of love and hugs to you Vicki and don't be too hard on yourself xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[jackiepoppies]

Hugs Vicki,

 

You've had a rubbish year and I'll bet people always say things like 'Oh Vicki can cope, she's strong!' and yes they're right ....99% of the time.....but there is always that 1% when you need someone to support you.

That time is now, take whatever help you need to get through this time without feeling bad about it and you will come through.

We're all here for each other and I think everyone will agree, this is the most helpful and kindest forum on the net.

 

Take care of yourself,

 

Jackiex

[HENthusiastic]

You have every right to feel what ever you feel. Your feelings are a fact, allow them through if you can. Keeping feelings in causes far more longer term distress than letting them out. Take good care of yourself. Blankets. Chocolate. Cuddles. Give yourself whatever nurtures you. Hang in there and keep posting if its helping you let the pain through.

[redhotchick]

Hugs to you ANH.

Take care of yourself.

[Faye&Ant]

That is awful news and you have every right to feel what you feel and get upset, your a compassionate, sensitive human being and thats not a bad thing. I do agree with the other posts though, it has probably built up in you over time with all you have had to deal with and therefore coming out now. Take care and wrap yourself up, sit with a drink and try and watch/read something uplifting and be thankful for all the wonderful people you have in your life.

 

((a warm hug))

 

Faye x

[Looney]

How awful, so tragic It sounds like this is the straw that broke the camels back re your bad year so no wonder you are finding things tough

 

 

You are in my thoughts, sending you big strong hugs x

[The Brown Clan]

Crying is your minds way of dealing with tragic, sad and difficult things which have happened in your life or the lives of others you have a connection with, So don't feel bad about crying , you obviously need to at the moment to help you to cope with what has been going on in the last year sometimes things just get too much ,and as Poet said it may help to talk to someone if it continues for quite sometime ( I know I've been there ) , Hugs to you xx

[Paola]

A friend suggested it might be a reaction to all the rubbish things that have happened to me this year. I don't know if that's likely or not.

 

That was my first thought when I read your post, they might be right.

 

Thinking of you xx

[Egluntyne]

A friend suggested it might be a reaction to all the rubbish things that have happened to me this year. I don't know if that's likely or not.

I'm sure your friend is right.

 

You have had a heck of a year, and this terrible tragedy has been more than you can bear.

 

My son's best friend died a couple of months ago, of a rare sarcoma, aged 22, and my son's grief has been very difficult to witness, and overwhelms him at unexpected times, so I can totally understand why you feel like this.

 

You are also viewing it as a parent and can't help thinking of the loss from a parent's perspective.

 

Lots of love.

 

xx

[Couperwife]

oh Vicki (((hugs)))

 

I cant say anything that hasnt already been said.

 

its rubbish when children die, its just so wrong, Ive known 4 from school since ive been there, 2 from illness, one from an accident and one not very nice and it makes me sad, angry, scared, and lots of other feelings too.

 

you have had a crud year, you will be feeling a lot more sensitive, dont be harsh on yourself, things do get easier with time...

 

(((hugs)))

 

cathy

x

[jlo]

Vicki - I can only agree with what others have said and send you hugs.

[Cinnamon]

I think sometimes even if its someone who we didn't know that well,if they are of the same age as your own children, it can remind you how very fragile life is.

 

I am so sorry Vicki. I am sure it would have affected me in much the same way.

[alih]

I can only echo whatothers have said - if we don't feel this bad about a child dying then we would be calllous indeed and if you have had a tough year this could just be the last straw. you have the combination of normal grief for someone dying, a parent's perspective as it's a child and a bad year behind you. Look after yourself - eat, sleep, be kind to yourself and recoup. Big hugs

[susiepoos]

I think your friend is right - 12 years ago my sister in law was diagnosed with breast cancer, my best friend was diagnosed with bowel cancer, my youngest son who was 18 months nearly died from salmonella poisoning and I had a car crash on black ice. I was holding down a job and everyone in the family and friends relied on me as they're sounding board (I'm a nurse - it's goes with the territory!!!!) I kept going - my sister in law died and then my best friend died but I still kept going - then one day my boss who was a mental health nurse sat me down and asked me how I was - 'I'm fine' was my response - it was the same response to anyone who asked - she turned to me and said "shall I tell you how you are? you are a lousy mother, a terrible wife, no one likes you, your a "Ooops, word censored!" nurse and your colleagues hate working with you" she took my hand and said to me "that's not what anyone else thinks - that's what you think of yourself, that's how you see yourself.

You may think that was the worse thing anyone could do but she was so right and she literally saved my life that day. I got treatment and was off work for 6 months.

 

ANH, I think you have had to deal with so much stuff in the past 12 months that you haven't given yourself time to recharge and as sad and tragic as this boys death is it is probably the precursor to you not dealing with things. You deal with your Mum and Dad because you have to, they're connected to you but this boy's death is out of your control and it's right to be upset but you don't have to put on a happy face, you don't have to see his parents, you don't have to be strong for them - can you understand what I'm getting at? I'm not sure that I'm making sense but what I'm trying to say is take time for you, put you first for once and stop putting other peoples feelings first - it's a very difficult thing to do - as Mums we nuture and as women we take contol - it's perfectly normal but sometimes you have to take a back seat and let everyone else get on with things.

 

I still struggle at times but I recognise the signs and symptoms and when it happens I take a back seat. You will get over this - maybe some counselling could help you - ask your GP.

 

Take care and email me if you want to chat x

[AnnieP]

Big hugs to you Vicki. 12 years ago, a child I was teaching died in a tragic accident. I took my class of 11 year olds to her funeral. It was awful. It upset me beyind anything I have ever been through. Even now, when I find myself feeling low and sad, when I cry, the memory of that experience surfaces again. It wouldn't be human if we didn't feel like this. You have been through so much lately, allow your self to grieve for a while. It is perfectly natural and good for you.

 

Make sure you look after yourself.

xxx

[lisa33]

Hugs to you Vicki.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Thanks for your kind words everyone. I know what you're all saying is true, but it was nice to get some reassurance.

 

I feel a bit better today.

[Mel (& Paul)]

I am glad to hear that you are feeeling a bit better - you will have good and bad days - and you wont always know when those bad times are going to hit - when they do, remember we are all here for you and there are always loads of cyber hugs for you

xxxxx

[Blackrocksrock]

Hugs from me too from the cold frozen North!