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[ChickenJo]

well it sounds like youve done everything you can vicki .... and now its time to get on with your own life without all the pain she brings.

 

its sad for her as she'll miss out on what could have been some lovely times with you and your family, but you cant change what you cant change.

 

you should be really proud of yourself for being this strong and im so glad your past the guilt as none of this is your fault

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Thanks for your words of comfort, as always, everyone .

 

Sheila, your words of wisdom are always gratefully received. You always give me pause for thought! What you say about her feelings of rejection are probably spot on. However, she was very supportive at the start of my search and gave me no reason to think she had a problem with it (or as big a problem as she obviously has - you'd have to be a saint to have no problem, I appreciate that!). She proceeded to tell me that no-one ever traces their birth parents while the adoptive parents are still alive - that would just be too cruel. I know that's just not true. If she had taken the time to talk to me about it all, she'd know that she's not been usurped or replaced. I made an effort to be sensitive and not talk much about it and as a result I suspect she's imagined it all to be far worse than the reality. I had no chance of a relationship with my birth mum (or my half sister who died 6 weeks after I met her) because of her Alzheimers and she's dead now anyway (which I didn't tell mum, maybe I should have). I have limited contact with the rest of my birth family although it is a friendly and welcoming relationship.

 

Regarding the "working relationship" I've given this a lot of thought. In theory it sounds like a good idea but knowing my mum, I just don't think it would work. She's not your typical 83 year old woman and doesn't "do" coffee or even smalltalk really. My fear would be that she would use the opportunity to moan and complain and generalise negatively about everyone and everything. My favourite generalisation of hers was that "Australians don't read". She made a big point of backing it up too .

 

I feel quite content that I've made an approach and given her a chance to repair our relationship. The fact that she's rejected it is evidence that she's making a choice not to do that.

 

My life is certainly much easier when I don't see her and I don't feel guilty any more after making that contact, so I think I'll just carry on and wait for her to make a move if she wishes.

 

Whew, didn't plan on such a long ramble . Sorry .

[Valkyrie]

Ramble as much as you like. I am glad you are not feeling as guilty as you did before. Lots of people search for their blood relations and have the full support of the understanding adoptive parents. That was just another little outburst from the green eye of the little yellow god, I think. Carry on as you are, sounds as though you are much happier. Anyway more virtual hugs on their way, just to make sure.

[Sheilaz]

ANH, you sound really clear and have thought of everything, I just wanted to make sure. Hope you have a lovely weekend.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

After quite a few weeks of feeling quite calm and contented with life, I am now so angry I could burst .

 

Went to see dad today and had a long chat with Linda, one of his carers. Mum has been telling people at the home that I've been sacked from my job. She also told them that she hasn't been inside my house in 20 years and has never been invited there. Granted she's not been here a lot - her choice - but you'd think she'd remember spending Christmas day with us in '07 and '08.

 

I phoned my brother for a chat tonight and got some more fascinating news. She's also told him I've been sacked and apparently I'm "not allowed to see the children". I'd love to know how she's reached that conclusion (I've asked him to find out).

 

And wait for it, she's still intent on moving up north and moving dad too. My brother thinks we have to let her find out for herself it's a bad idea (much like when she tried to move him into a different nursing home in Edinburgh then backed out when we went along with it). So he's coming down tomorrow then driving her back up on Sunday and she'll get the train back down south on Monday. I can't see her managing that. Apparently I never visit Dad any more so it doesn't matter to me if he moves up north. My brother is going to point out my signature in the visitors' book (I'm there 2 or 3 times every single week). Dad said today he really enjoys my visits and worried that I'd stop coming because mum and I have fallen out (he somehow knows things aren't right between us).

 

Mum has said "we mustn't let Vicki find out" - presumably because I'll "take over" and "interfere". Too blinking right I would. I'm going to speak to the nursing home and Dad's doctor, if I can, and also my cousin and my mum's only friend. I'm sure they'll all agree it's not in Dad's best interests and between us we can prevent her doing this.

 

I think I'm most angry about her telling people I've been sacked. I've never been sacked in my life - how dare she tell people that. Hopefully anyone she has told knows me well enough to know it's rubbish, but there's no guarantee of that.

 

Sorry, just had to get that off my chest.

[Plum]

Oh heck ANH, what is going on in her head. Good to let your feelings out and I'm sorry this is happening.

[Chickvic]

Sorry to hear that ANH, sending you some (((hugs))), Keep going!

[Cyber Chook]

Oh gosh Vicki, I'm so sorry. What a horrilbe nightmare for you.

 

I think I remember reading here someone's suggestion about keeping a diary of your mother's behaviour, or is that my imagination? If not, that might help you, if it comes to talking about what's been happening, with any medical professionals, and also just to get down on paper how bad things are might help you. You also might be able to look back and think that a year ago or whatever, she wasn't quite this bad and seems to be getting worse, (or was just the same).

 

Not that it really sounds as if she'd agree to it, but has she been for any kind of psychiatric assessment recently? Her behaviour seems to be getting more and more extreme, and must be so hard to bear, and upsetting even more for you in this particular instance because the last thing you probably want is for your dad to feel distressed, sensing things aren't good.

 

Can you speak to your own GP about this? Sorry if this has already been talked about here. I have a memory problem, and can't remember.

 

Thinking of you

 

Caroline

[Egluntyne]

Is this a sign of confusion or just plain wickedness on her part?

 

Maybe a word with the team who are looking after her should know about this. You are well able to demonstrate that what she says isn't true.

 

I agree about keeping the diary, as dates and incidents get hazy in time.

 

This thread is an excellent journal of events, come to think of it.

 

All the best.

[Lesley]

It must seem never ending for you

 

I'm sure most people will know that your Mum is not well and won't take any notice of the things she says.

[BeckyBoo]

I don't know what to say to you after that last post. I know she's your mother but what wicked and nasty things to say. I appreciate your brother saying she ought to find out for herself about the move but what if she manages it? Then you'll be stuck with her AND your Dad miles away which will be infinitely worse. There MUST be something you can do to stop her moving your Dad, I mean she's not behaving rationally and it certainly won't do your Dad any good at all to be moved by the sound of it. Could his nursing team not have any influence? Then if she wants to move let her fill her boots, but at least your Dad could stay where you can visit him.

 

I've been as angry as you and it's not a good place to be. Personally I followed Ana's Flocks advice and put something of the "offenders" outside and let it fade and rot, trouble is your Mum is an ever present factor in your life so it's not so easy to get rid of those feelings.

I wish I could do something to make it easier, tell you what, I'll go out in my back garden right now and let off a good big loud angry scream! That should do us both some good!

 

Chin up missus, I don't know how you're doing it but you still sound sane!

 

BeckyBoo

[Chook n Boo Mum]

ANH, you poor love, she's left me speechless this time - not an easy task I can tell you!!

 

from me,

 

and one of these from all your Omlet friends

 

I'd go with the diary idea, and yes thread this is a great place to get all the dates etc correct!

 

Sha x

 

edited for typo

Edited March 20, 2009 by Guest

[chelsea]

 

Not that it really sounds as if she'd agree to it, but has she been for any kind of psychiatric assessment recently? Her behaviour seems to be getting more and more extreme, and must be so hard to bear

 

 

I agree, her extreme behaviour and lying & making up stories is all very odd.

 

I dont know what to suggest ANH, I can imagine how much stress and worry it causes you though. I would feel like shaking her and shouting why are you making all these stories up. (im not suggesting you do this ) but you must be at the end of you tether.

 

Stay strong and dont let her antics beat you down. xx

[ClaireG]

((Hugs))) The diary sounds like a really good idea. Sorry i don't have any more advice but can understand how frustrating and upsetting it must be for you.

[..lay a little egg for me]

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. How distressing for you. I agree with CyberChook, it really seems as if she needs a psychiatric assessment. The diary advice etc seems very good to me. So nothing much to add, except to send lots of hugs your way. (((((hugs)))))

[Seagazer]

Oh blooming heck, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Is there no way you can get a sort of power of attorney thing about your dad to stop him being moved? I'm not sure if thats the right thing but your mum is clearly not right mentally.

 

As everyone has said the only people that matter will know that she's talking a load of gobbledegook (sp?) and I wouldn't worry about what strangers might think.

 

Sending a big ((((hug)))) and lots of positive vibes.

[Goosey Lucy]

Sending hugs.

[mostin]

I truly believe your mum has something wrong and needs to be re-evaluated. Did you know that as well as going to your GP about her, you can also contact her doctor about her?

 

You can ring her Dr and express your concerns, even see her Dr and tell him/her all of these things. Even if your mother demands access to her medical records she won't have access to that part as it involves you and is a breach in confidentiality.

 

Her lies are affecting other peoples lives now, yours especially, and in a very hurtful and slanderous way. This must be stopped soon. She is your mother, the ties and power they have over us never seem to fade. But what lies is she going to come out with next?

 

Big hugs to you and all your family xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

I hope you still get to enjoy spending time with your dad.

[Valkyrie]

I agree with Lesley - people know that she is living la la land, so not to worry about what is said about you (easier said than done, I know).

Yes - she should be assessed. Perhaps you could mention that this hatred towards you is not good for her health either! She should really be in a mental care home. Is your dad able to put in his pennyworth?

In the meantime lots of cuddles being sent to you too.

[LisaP]

Oh ANH I really don't know what to say and can only wish that I could help you. You have been lovely and supportive to me so it's my turn to send you HUGS and POSITIVE VIBES.

 

Lisa P

[feemcg]

Sorry to hear things are 'brewing' again after you've had a good few weeks. Has your mum had a MMSE (Mini-mental state examination) test recently? It's a test to assess cognitive function, scored out of thirty and can be used to ascertain whether there is any impairment in , for example, Alzheimers, Dementia, Cerebral Atrophy. Even if she has had one in the past its worth repeating periodically to compare scores.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Thanks, everyone . I'm still angry but have decided on a plan of action.

 

First I'm going to phone her friend Ann to see what Mum's been telling her (and to put her straight if need be).

 

Then I'm going to phone the nursing home, put them straight (if they need to be) about my job and the fact that I "never visit Dad" (I'm sure they know that's not true). I'm going to tell them that Mum wants to move Dad up north and ask their opinion. I'm also going to ask which doctor Dad is under so I can speak to him/her.

 

I'm going to speak to Dad's doctor and tell him/her that I'm concerned about Mum's mental state, tell them what she's planning and get their medical opinion about moving Dad.

 

I'm then going to try to speak to either or both Mum's doctor (who is part-time unfortunately) and the Community Psychiatric Nurse who saw her last year.

 

Somehow I (or the professionals) need to find out whether she's just being vindictive and nasty or actually has dementia. She did have tests last year while in the Psych Hospital (sounded like the MMSE, Fee) which she passed with flying colours.

 

I will report my findings!

[..lay a little egg for me]

Sounds like a good plan! Good luck with it all. Let us know how you get on.

 

More hugs (((Hugs)))

xx

[Yorkshire Pudding]

It's always good to have a plan.

 

Well done for being able to think clearly through the hurt and put together a very sensible set of actions. You've taken a great deal from her and I am so pleased to see you showing such strength, it must be difficult.

 

Let us know how you get on and remember we are all here any time to support you.

 

Sending love and hugs.

[Cyber Chook]

It's always good to have a plan.

 

Well done for being able to think clearly through the hurt and put together a very sensible set of actions. You've taken a great deal from her and I am so pleased to see you showing such strength, it must be difficult.

 

Let us know how you get on and remember we are all here any time to support you.

 

Sending love and hugs.

 

Says it all

 

Caroline