4m x 3m Omlet pen, cube, new auto door still boxed and coop light

[Busybird]

I would welcome some views on this as I really don't know if I am being unreasonable but this is stressing me out. Sorry if this is a bit long

 

My family (parents, siblings etc) live abroad. I get on fine with them, keep in touch by letter and, occasionally, by phone, see them every few years and that is fine. I have never felt the need to be that close to them.

 

My in laws live about 3 miles from us having moved across the country to be near us when our second child was born. They are lovely people, involved in lots of community stuff, lots of friends but very different to me. They think me 'odd' and are forever trying to change me to be more like them. I resist.

 

My SIL lives on Skye but visits her mum, with 3 young kids in tow, a couple of times a year. I don't get on with her (she is very like her mum but with rougher edges). OH feels we must have them round when she visits so I comply. With all of them I try to be welcoming and pleasant but they wind me up - particularly when they 'pop in' unannounced. My home is my haven and I feel invaded.

 

In a few weeks it is my in laws golden wedding anniversary. SIL is coming down for the weekend and we are all to go out for a meal together. I really, really do not want to go. OH says that I must.

 

We don't eat out much and very rarely with the kids. They see a meal as an unwelcome interruption and want to get through it quickly and get on with their lives. I am so dreading this night I am already losing sleep worrying about it. I worry that the kids will misbehave (when they do this MIL and SIL discuss how theirs would never do that and what I should do), that MIL and SIL will start one of their mutual admiration discussions which end with them wondering why I cannot be like them. I worry that SIL's kids will start screaming and running around - something she just lets them do, even where it is obviously a problem for others trying to enjoy their night out (their problem she says). Most of all I am worried that, I am so wound up about this that I am going to upset someone.

 

But what can I do? I don't want to cause an upset on what should be a special night for my in laws - and it is only one night (although OH has agreed to drive his sister and her family to the airport the next day which leaves me to get the kids to sports matches, training and so on on my own - he did not discuss this with me). I have already tried to discuss it with OH but he cannot understand why I am fussing.

 

OH is not particularly close to his family either but seems to feel we have some sort of obligation. Has anyone any advise on how to get through this sort of situation?

[chickenNutter]

Fake illness - I would!

[Rhapsody]

Book a babysitter and let your kids stay at home and dial in a pizza, it sounds like they would prefer it. If anyone asks where they are say that it was made clear to you last time that their behaviour at table was not up to scratch and you did not want to upset anyone again. Ignore other children and enjoy a nice night out!

[chickencam]

I would just go with the flow. It is one night in many and will probably be much better than you think.

 

I am very similar, I love my home and it is my castle, we rarely have visitors. I am not a great social animal and usually dread such times, but they are generally much better than you think.

 

You don't say how old your children are but try having a word with the them and explain calmly that their good behaviour for their Grandparents anniversary would make you all very happy, even introduce a little incentive for afterwards if they behave well. If they don't behave upto scratch then, remember that they are they are still little, you have said that there may be other children whos behaviour may not be the best either. It is best to ignore them.

 

Best of luck, sometimes we do just have to grin and bear family get togethers, but by presenting a united front and sticking on a smile most things can be overcome.

[Cinnamon]

My pet hate is people who let their children run riot in restaurants

I think that your SIL is acting in a totally unacceptable way in letting her children do this.

What sort of an example is it for your children too?

 

I also dislike people telling what I should do,how I should think, how I should act & so forth - we are all different & we should celebrate that NOT dwell on what we see as others faults. Your husband married you for a reason - he obviously likes you the way you are,& he should stick up for you when they have a dig!

 

I HATE people 'dropping in' as they inevitably expect you to drop everything as they are visiting.its just plain rude & like you I hate the feeling of invasion.

I had to be very firm with one family member who kept doing this then being put out when I had to go & pick up/drop off children,cook, or generally just get on with my life. You have my sympathies.

 

I have cut off socially from my husbands family because I don't enjoy their company & my FIL is someone who I have huge issues with.

I see my family every so often, but as far as I am concerned by TRUE family are my husband & my daughters.

They come first for me with everyone else a very poor second. They are who I want to be with,end of

 

Get a migraine

Failing that,have a few glasses of wine & try to let it all wash over you.

[Olly]

I think this is one of those times when you have to bite the bullet and do what is expected of you - in general, I'm in agreement that you shouldn't have to do things if you don't want to, but I suspect that the repercussions from not going to a major occasion like this will be greater than those that might occur if you do go.

 

I also suspect that it won't be as bad as you think! Yes, any or all of those scenarios might happen, but equally they might not. Try to relax - you don't criticise your SIL when HER kids misbehave, so she has no right to criticise yours, but clearly you are a much nicer person than she is! Grit your teeth, bribe the children, and make your OH drive so that you can have a drink (unless that is likely to make you tell people what you really think). Or book a taxi for an early departure, 'sorry everyone it's been lovely but silly old OH booked the cab for 10.00 so we have to go'.

 

It's only one evening, and your in-laws might be very hurt if you don't go. I would think it very odd if we had a family do like that and someone's partner didn't attend.

[Seagazer]

You have my sympathy. There are certain members of my OH's family that we have to see occasionally and I really cannot stand them. I have to just grin and bear it and try to spend my time talking to everyone else. We have absolutely nothing in common with them and their kids just freak me out But as others have said it is only one night, you might even enjoy it.

 

If you really can't do that then I would suggest you fake illness and then your OH can just go and take the kids with him. At least he doesn't have to miss out on his family's celebration then and can take any flak if the kids don't want to sit down for a long time.

[Busybird]

I have very seriously considered faking illness but OH would know and would feel let down. I think that I probably do have to go.

 

When I walked in on SIL asking OH why he had married such an odd person last summer (she was in my kitchen because of a bbq held in honour of her visit) I was too shocked to comment but did ask OH afterwards if he thought I was odd. He said yes and he liked me that way. I just wish he would stand up for me a bit more with his family. I have asked him to.

 

Sitting my kids away from hers (so that it is obvious who is misbehaving), bribing them to behave, using wine as a relaxant and leaving early all sound good.

 

Do you think that I could get away with only bringing 2 of my kids and leaving the youngest with a friend? I can probably rely on the older 2 to behave reasonably well whereas the 3 together are harder to control.

 

I really don't want to upset my in laws on their special day. Do you think that having 5 out of their 6 grandchildren there would be acceptable? Can any grandparents comment?

[Olly]

I'm not a grandparent, and you don't say how young your youngest is, but yes I would think that was acceptable - if it's a 'grown up' meal and they are too young to appreciate it, then I think that is a good solution. It will reduce the stress for you, too.

 

I think you should celebrate your 'oddness', although can I just add that you don't sound at all odd to me! Your OH loves you for it, so revel in it. If they already think you are odd, you have nothing to lose, be true to yourself and don't worry about what they think. Easier said than done, I know, but it's a thought to hang on to.

[Ygerna]

What age are your children? Is it an evening thing, if it is, I would not take mine, I'd get a baby sitter and explain to my Inlaws that an evening meal is not really a place for young children. Lunches yes, dinner no.

 

Speak to your OH too, tell him that he may not understand why you are stressing, but, you ARE stressing and you need his help to get through the event. He must support you through the evening, its HIS family, but you are his wife.

 

As for oddness? What on earth is ODD? Personally, I find it odd that your SIL felt it acceptable to speak about you in this manner in your own home.

 

Odd is to be celebrated I feel. I have an ambition to be an eccentric, I just need more practice

[BarbaraJ]

Oh dear, if i was to say what i would love to do it would be bail and have fun with your family BUT what i would really end up doing is going because i was brought up to do whats right family wise though not necessarily right for me

Most of the in-laws (hubby is 1 of 6 kids) especially MIL and eldest SIL think i'm odd. Chickens, caring what i eat, recycling etc none of them seem to care about things like that.

Though i love mu hubby alot he has never said anything to back me up infront of them, what is it with men and their mums

Sometimes it can get very akward as i married my SIL's brother so our 2 families seem to overlap very often and isn't usually a good thing. I just try to let it wash over me as apart from my mum the only family i really care about is hubby and kids

[debbier]

Personally, I find it odd that your SIL felt it acceptable to speak about you in this manner in your own home.

 

Whatever, it's very, very rude, IMO, and I'd be loathe to socialise with such a person unless absolutely necessary.

 

I'm with the bite-the-bullet brigade. It's your husband (and your children) that you need to think about, not their family. One night will soon pass. If you tried to get out of it then the repercussions would be worse, I feel.

 

I honestly don't see that not having one child there would matter to your in-laws, as they must see them fairly regularly anyway? I'd run this one past your husband.

[PurpleTree]

As my children are quite young, I always make clear that if family want them at their parties/meals they need to have them at lunchtime, understandably my children get worse the tireder they get, so I wouldn't consider taking them to an evening meal.

 

Can you sit at the opposite end of the table from your SIL and MIL? Also if your children like colouring, maybe take some pads and crayons to occupy them?

[Mutrix Farmers]

Busybird you have my sympathies. I too hate get togethers with the in laws, and avoided them for years by feigning illness, prior engagements, even bookintg a last minute holiday to avoid spending Xmas with them. However OH asked me to attend a 70th birthday party for MIL and I reluctantly went. Shall we say I don't want to repeat the experience any time soon, but it was OK.

 

Don't listen to them. It's what OH thinks about you that is important and he likes you the way you are. Let the children stay at home, book a taxi for 10pm (say you need an early night as you have a busy day the next day ferrying the children around, or you have to get back for the babysitter, and OH will need a good night's sleep as he has to drive to the airport) Alternatively take the children and use them as the excuse to leave early!

 

And as Ygerna said, remind OH that you are his priority now he is married. Men find it difficult to escape from their mothers, many still think they have to justify every action to them. He does need to tell his sister and mother to keep their opinions to themselves, particularly if they are spiteful, problem is he may not feel brave enough!

 

There's always Rescue Remedy too!

[Busybird]

My children are not littlies and the meal is booked for early evening so taking them out at that time is not an issue. My DD is 12, DS1 is 11 and DS2 is 9. All are old enough to know when and how to behave. We don't eat in restaurants much because they get bored waiting and don't appreciate the food so it seems a waste of money. They are not quiet and beautifully behaved children but neither are they the sort who won't stay at the table or who make too much noise.

 

The issue is more the mix of people. DD will be fine. DS1 was a real livewire when he was younger and eats very slowly. My in laws tease and wind him up and then complain when he reacts that they 'would never have behaved that way' (he can come out with a rude reply when provoked ). However, if I sit him beside me and keep him in the conversation he will be fine. DS2 just gets bored sitting through a restaurant meal and adult conversation. He and DS1 are also more likely to mess around if together.

 

Eating at a restaurant with my children is not, generally, relaxing but it is the addition of SIL and her children (aged 10, 7 and 5) that is stressing me. She expects my children to want to be with hers (they don't) and then blames mine for bad behaviour. With MIL backing her up and them both discussing how I could do things better I get very wound up.

 

Good advice here - thank you. I need to make sure OH is willing to stand up for us (me and the kids) and arrange the seating so that I am with my kids and away (as far as possible) from SIL. I still wonder if I could get away with leaving DS2 behind

[Guest]

We have nothing to do with OH Family 99.9 % of time(they didnt even come to our wedding)! Mixed marriage etc(another story), totally unreasonable folks.

 

However...got to say even though I cant stand them it is one night, do it for your OH if it makes him feel happy, its his family(not yours , thank your lucky stars).

 

I would be inclined to look forward to it thoroughly and make great complimentary comments?

 

 

Honestly if you want to have a bit of fun dont let them wind you up, just go with it not in a submissive way but with a big smile on your face.....you may shock them all.

 

And if your children play up leave the restaurant(take some warm clothes and go for a stroll with them..ie for a couple of hours..take a torch if its dark)

 

Good luck and please enjoy, it hasnt happened yet and dont let them cause a rift between you and OH , they really are not worth it..

 

indie

[bluekarin]

My children are not littlies and the meal is booked for early evening so taking them out at that time is not an issue. My DD is 12, DS1 is 11 and DS2 is 9. All are old enough to know when and how to behave. We don't eat in restaurants much because they get bored waiting and don't appreciate the food so it seems a waste of money. They are not quiet and beautifully behaved children but neither are they the sort who won't stay at the table or who make too much noise.

 

The issue is more the mix of people. DD will be fine. DS1 was a real livewire when he was younger and eats very slowly. My in laws tease and wind him up and then complain when he reacts that they 'would never have behaved that way' (he can come out with a rude reply when provoked ). However, if I sit him beside me and keep him in the conversation he will be fine. DS2 just gets bored sitting through a restaurant meal and adult conversation. He and DS1 are also more likely to mess around if together.

 

Eating at a restaurant with my children is not, generally, relaxing but it is the addition of SIL and her children (aged 10, 7 and 5) that is stressing me. She expects my children to want to be with hers (they don't) and then blames mine for bad behaviour. With MIL backing her up and them both discussing how I could do things better I get very wound up.

 

Good advice here - thank you. I need to make sure OH is willing to stand up for us (me and the kids) and arrange the seating so that I am with my kids and away (as far as possible) from SIL. I still wonder if I could get away with leaving DS2 behind

 

 

Your kids are the same age as mine (however my youngest is a DD). She and DS are the ones who would play up when we are out. And my DS sounds just like your DS1. If it was me, I'd tell the kids what the meal is for and the fact that a Golden Wedding Anniversary is such a big celebration and I would take them with us. I would ask them to be on their very best behaviour and probably say if they'd been good during the meal they could have pudding or some other treat. Maybe ask them what they think about their cousins running about the place? I think I would make sure I was sat away from the people who annoy, provoke etc and just have a nice time. But your OH also needs to stand by you and back up you and his children if need be. I really wouldn't leave anyone at home, no matter how tempting that would be

Good luck!

[DebC]

You have my sympathy. I have very similar problems with my in-laws. Mainly because I'm English (they're Greek Cypriot), I've had no children (despite being marrid for 10 years!) I'm a career woman, I'm 6 years older than their precious only son and had been married before, they think I'm a bit odd (I do DIY, recycle, grow my own veg, keep chickens etc - The list goes on and on as far as they are concerned!

 

MIL and FIL live in Cyprus and come to England twice a year. They normally end up staying with us, ironically, because we have no child and therefore have more space and they get more peace and quiet!

 

I have often said to my OH that I don't hate them, I just hate who I become when they're are around.

 

Having said that I do the family meal every time they are around. Why? Because I'm better than them, and so are you! Don't allow them to make you forget that

 

All the best

[Guest]

odd is good, normal is boring! I'd have made a point of letting your SIL know you heard her by making a comment along the lines of..."Oh I don't like such and such because I'm ODD!" and look directly at her!

 

can you take something with you to keep the kids occupied? have they got hand held computer game thingy majigs?

 

I also think it's totally unacceptable to let kids run amock in a restaurant and it is NOT other people's problem, your SIL sounds like a pain in the backside and you have my sympathies.

 

I think you just have to accept that you're different people and just be yourself and rise above the snide comments. If they think you're "odd" I'd play up to that and go dressed eccentrically and say "odd" things to get on their nerves

[Busybird]

All of your good advice and kind comments are making me feel so much better - thank you

 

I will talk this through with my kids as suggested - let them know that we are doing this to make the day special for Nannie and Grandad and get them to make cards to go with the present we have bought. I will also mention that if their cousins misbehave then they can show how much better they can be by not joining in

 

They have hand held game things that are normally kept for long car journeys so I can bring them along to hand out if it looks like they are going to misbehave. I don't like doing this but I can see that it could be helpful.

 

Then I need to get OH to help ensure that I am sitting with my kids and away from SIL. I also need to make sure that if her kids misbehave then I am detached from it (although if my kids have their Nintendo's then her son is going to whine horribly that he wants his - even at his age he has been known to have a full blown, on the floor tantrum when he doesn't get his own way).

 

A few glasses of wine and I will probably go with the flow on the evening and pick over the pieces of the snide comments after. At least that won't affect my in laws evening.

 

I often feel very hurt by their comments but a golden wedding anniversary is special and I must try to tell myself that I can do this for OH...

 

Thank you for your support

[Chook n Boo Mum]

If the Nintendo route is not your favoured one, why not a small box of distractions for each child: the obligatory pad & pencils, a couple of small puzzles, a mag/small book etc etc.................and shock horror maybe provide a similar thing for your SIL's little darlings........it may just shock the others into realising that your "oddness"....for that I read kindness & consideration personally ....is not something to be sneared at, but welcomed and embraced.......I hope not physically in your case but I hope you know what I mean!!

 

We went to a wedding back in Feb for a niece whose 4 1/2 yo can't even use cutlery & is indulged to every degree & as such is not the nicest child to have around , and just such a box was provided for each child at the wedding..peace reigned throughout the entire meal and a thoroughly good time was had by the older children helping the litties with their toys.........The wedding ones came from here http://www.eventsmiles.co.uk/acatalog/Quick_View_Giggle_Family__9.99.html but you could make them up yourself like a party bag, loads of ideas on here http://www.tobar.co.uk/.......or get DH to suggest his M&D provide something similar for the children

 

The electronics can be held in reserve as a last resort

 

I hope you manage to enjoy the evening, as others have said, it is just one evening.............

 

Sha x

[keyhole kate]

Busybird you have my utmost sympathy And you are def not alone

 

OH is an only son with three sisters The three witches of Macbeth

 

I had to bite my tongue for years regarding there spiteful jealous behaviour

towards me and the kids my OH said I imagined it Eventually they overstepped the mark and OH let them have it all guns blazing he wouldn't normally say boo to a goose . We have had nothing to do with them for years unless essential funerals etc and even then I wouldn't give them the time of day.

 

It is the best thing that ever happened. I am sure a lot of it stems from Jealousy

there OH's are all under the thumb with no opinions of there own none of there children have made much of there lives. where as we are equals with our opinions and our children have successful careers and professions.

 

I am sure it was no fluke your OH chose someone with a personality as far away as possible from his own family

Mantra I am better than them :!: I am better than them I am better than them

besides they dont have chicken friends so there

[Alis girls]

You have my sympathy - I would let them take their Nintendos and turn th volumes down and bribe them with a treat another day if they are so good they show SIL kids up fro being brats. I used to get in a state re my mums sister who is lovely never had kids very how shall I put it without using a bad word fussy - i made the mistake of asking them 2 yrs ago for Christmas day to spend with me OH 2 kids my widowed dad and her husband. it was ok but left me feeling drained. Then I did it again last yr - told her OH and I were cooking - gave her a list of things to bring (she makes a mean trifle) and she relaxed and didnt get under my feet. We are very different but my kids dont have many family and they have been great teaching my Es son to fish. Bite the bullet - or failing that get swine flu and bow out gracefully. whatever you decide I hope it all goes well. They should be called outlaws onot inlaws

[A chickychickychick-ENN!!]

If the Nintendo route is not your favoured one, why not a small box of distractions for each child: the obligatory pad & pencils, a couple of small puzzles, a mag/small book etc etc.................and shock horror maybe provide a similar thing for your SIL's little darlings........it may just shock the others into realising that your "oddness"....for that I read kindness & consideration personally ....is not something to be sneared at, but welcomed and embraced.......

 

Love this idea.

 

Personally, I think DS Lites,mobile phones and suchlike at the table look really rude and would just give the in-laws more sniping fodder. Your kids sound old enough to be able to hack a Duty Evening with the in-laws to keep OH happy. I think it's a right of passage that they learn to do so. Your last response sounded sensible and measured Busybird. You can do it! And then you can come and flop back here after and tell us all about it and we can give you virtual hugs and virtual cups of tea or gin.

[Guest]

....

Personally, I think DS Lites,mobile phones and suchlike at the table look really rude

 

well excuuuuuuuuuuuse I i'm sure for making such a rude suggestion!

 

i did think about pens, crayons etc but then thought there probably wouldn't be enough room on the table that's why i suggested something handheld.

 

If I were in a restaurant, I'd rather see a kid engaged in a handheld game than a noisy fidgety one making everyone uncomfortable. There are plenty of games that are educational and with an earpiece, "Ooops, word censored!"ody is bothered by the noise.

 

maybe you should have them knitting and sewing at the table?