Ain't Nobody Here Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 (edited) There's a long back story involving my vile brother which I won't bore you with but I'm struggling to decide what to do. My niece got married recently but didn't invite us to her wedding (all part of the back story). Although we're not close, I wanted to do the right thing so sent her a wedding present. I've heard from other family members that it was much admired (it was a olive wood bowl, board and nibbles dish). My mother has dementia so was clueless about the wedding etc. I thought I should involve her so suggested she made a little contribution and signed the card. She was happy to do that. My mother has had a thank you card from my niece. I haven't. It may still come but the wedding was mid-May. My dilemma is: she is due to have her first baby mid August. Normally, I would send a gift for the baby but I'm feeling hurt that my wedding gift hasn't even been acknowledged by her. It cost about £80 so wasn't just a trinket. Do I rise above it and send a gift? Do I just send a card? Do I send a card congratulating them but try to say diplomatically that as she doesn't seem to want to acknowledge that she got a wedding gift, I feel that sending a baby gift would be received the same way? Edited August 14, 2015 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soapdragon Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 As you were so generous with your wedding gift I would just get a little something (pack of babygrows, soft toy etc) and send that with a card. That way you have 'shown willing', not given anyone the opportunity to say you havn't bothered and risen above the situation! Families can be so difficult - hats off to you . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cat tails Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 I think I would do the same. Card with something small. The baby is not to blame and maybe neither your niece. The influence of parents can be big! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soapdragon Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 The influence of parents can be big! Actually, thats a really good point....especially as you have heard that your present was well recieved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinnamon Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 I would send a token gift & try to assume that my thank you card got lost in the post I never send thank you notes, & it isn't really a done thing in our family, so it doesn't seem like a huge thing to me, but I can see how it might rankle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Space Chick Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 I think after everything you've been through, I would draw a line in the sand and decide enough is enough. You've had no thanks for your wedding gift, I wouldn't put yourself through it again. They've made their bed, they can lie in it. Sod them Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groovychook Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 I would send a token gift too. Just to let her know that you are thinking of her and wishing her well. As others have said, if you don't hear anything back, I'd leave things as they are and be reassured that you've done your best. xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 I would rise above it all and keep on doing the right thing. Obviously the well has been poisoned by your brother. In time, she will see that this is the case. Maybe send a completely separate item to anything your mother might send, so that there is no doubt who the giver is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patsylabrador Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 I'm with SpaceChick , I would think enough is enough. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackrocksrock Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 Yep I think also that enough is enough - and I dont believe that thank you notes are old hat as some of my friends seem to think - I even send thank you notes to all our clients who give us chocoates, biscuits and wine at the vets for xmas. And I may add they look forward to receiving them too! If someone has taken the time to think about you then its only nice to thank them with a small note. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 I would rise above it all and keep on doing the right thing. Obviously the well has been poisoned by your brother. In time, she will see that this is the case. Maybe send a completely separate item to anything your mother might send, so that there is no doubt who the giver is. I would do the same. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickencam Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 I think that I remember you saying that your mother had got the credit for the wedding gift, therefore, I would send a small gift and card when the baby arrives clearly from you and see if you get a response. Although you will need to bear in mind that they may be too busy to acknowledge for a while. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted July 25, 2015 Author Share Posted July 25, 2015 Thanks, everyone . Interestingly mixed views, as ever on this forum . Although I'm tempted by the "sod them" route, I think I may end up sending a gift (but a small one, as suggested) and just hope that in time, she'll realise that I'm not actually the bad guy in all this. The person who deserves the "sod them" route is my brother but I'm powerless to do anything there. My niece isn't really blameless - her mother and grandma are furious with her attitude to the whole thing - but as has been said, the baby is. Seems unlikely that we'll ever meet though, which is sad. My niece was a tiny baby at our wedding . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purplemaniacs Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 It is difficult but I think I would send a card and small gift for the baby. It is not your nieces fault or the babies. Pressure from a parent can be quite powerful. Chrissie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bramble Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 One view from a slightly different position - is it worth waiting to see whether you are actually told that the baby has arrived? I would imagine you'll hear on the grapevine so to speak, but if your niece or your brother don't tell you direct (or reasonably directly) I think that would influence my decision? I also think a thank you note is essential - is it possible that your brother might have intercepted it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 That's an interesting point. I'm positive neither of them will tell me but my ex-sister-in-law (who I'm on very good terms with) definitely will. I'm sure there's no reason I've not had a thank you other than her misguided opinion of me, caused solely by her father. Having a baby can definitely make you see things differently so hopefully once she's over the shock of the birth and new baby madness, she may reflect on family matters a bit more open-mindedly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valkyrie Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 I gave my niece Christmas presents and birthday presents. They were refused by my brother (or more likely his wife) because I was "bribing" their daughter. I thought she wasn't part of our disagreement and the very thought of bribery never crossed my mind. I'm still seething over that. Just be prepared to have things twisted way out of the realm of normality!!! But that has made me realise who thought that idea up and why. SIL always bought my dad gifts from "his special friend". Weird. But maybe she wanted to worm her way in - perhaps she wanted to make sure my dad thought of her as a daughter. He didn't - he thought it was funny. She never bought my mum presents. I have never done that to my FIL. So perhaps she was trying to "bribe" my dad and therefore it was easy for her to tar me with her own brush. And they weren't refused at different times, the gifts were left in my mum's house under her stairs and we never knew anything until I received a letter from the strumpet to say don't buy our daughter anything else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 Wow, I'm amazed at how twisted and mean people can be! That all sounds very hurtful but you seem to be successfully rising above it, well done . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valkyrie Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 Distance helps! And once mum has gone that'll be it. I'll never need to have to contact them for anything again. I have already let go. But you are still having grief and every time you seem to rise above it, something else happens. I really feel for you, I'm afraid we can't help much, but we all have different ideas and a good mix of all hopefully will keep you going on the right track. Lots of hugs. xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patsylabrador Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 Much like Valkyrie I've given up. The concept of family has become less important to me and I treat each person in the 'family' unit separately according to how they treat me. If, like my parents, they show complete indifference then I have to accept that and move on, otherwise I think it would break my heart and I refuse to be anyone's victim. I am now stunned that the silent treatment has gone beyond a year and that they value their relationship with me so little. I have absolutely no intention of trying to find out why they are doing this anymore, I've never understood it and I probably never will now so knowing why has become insignificant and that is how it is. I believe I have a now year old niece, I don't even know the little girl's name and my brother has got married but I found that out by FB stalking. How sad is that? My sister who is in the same boat is still my best and closest friend and thank goodness for that. Don't let your family mess your head up, you're a fun person, kick the rotten ones into touch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinnamon Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 My family issues are rumbling on too. My Dad has not spoken to me since Christmas, ever since I told him that his fawning over my Brother & his wife was not on My Brother himself (WHY is it always brothers?) unfriended me on Facebook when I couldn't go to his daughters VERY OTT 1st birthday party, because it was my own daughters birthday that day too. He hasn't been friendly to me since, not even acknowledging the £40 gift voucher I sent for his favourite shop for his 40th birthday in May this year. I feel for you all. Its hard to let go - I am trying, & it will be a lot easier next year when we move, but at the moment the whole situation is constantly at the back of my mind. Thank God for my lovely sister & my amazing daughters & Husband, or it would probably all send me slightly mad! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 Sorry you're still having trouble with your family too . I know what you mean about it being constantly at the back of your mind. I really hope your move will help you put it out of your mind altogether . Thank God for my lovely sister & my amazing daughters & Husband, or it would probably all send me slightly mad! Ditto, but two sons and husband and my brother's ex-wife, who shares my hatred! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valkyrie Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Yup, out of sight and out of mind! Isn't it sad how many of us have similar issues. But onwards and upwards - exactly what patsylabrador said - kick 'em into touch - or out of touch even! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 Or in the head ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valkyrie Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
