Omlet Smart Autodoor - New in box

[Ain't Nobody Here]

This is a bit of a ramble, apologies in advance .

 

Issue One:

 

ES, who will be 18 in June, is (hopefully) off to uni in September. He's never been one to chat endlessly but has mostly been cheerful and good company. I'm noticing now, though, that he's becoming more withdrawn from us and not up for a laugh as much as before. We still get flashes of the old ES but it's becoming more difficult to get anything out of him. I'm wondering if this is his way (perhaps subconsciously?) of preparing for leaving home. Has anyone else experienced this?

 

This could perhaps be linked to Issue Two:

 

In the past I've been slightly concerned that he's not had much of a social life, spending most of his spare time playing on-line games. He's a friendly guy and has some good friends at school but rarely went out socialising.

 

Recently, however, he's embraced socialising with both arms (and legs) . He was out at 2 parties last w/e, both overnight. This week he's been out on Thurs (cinema then friend's till 3.30am), Fri (party till 3am) & Sat (party overnight). He's just asked if he can go out tonight too and there's apparently a party tomorrow night as well . I think the problem is that a lot of parents are away for Easter and have left their kids "home alone" . We've allowed him to go out tonight with a curfew of 1am.

 

He's also drinking for the first time ever. Not a great deal, I gather and not enough to be very drunk.

 

OH is getting cross at the late nights (although ES is texting us to say when he's coming home or if he's not). We're having disturbed nights which ES doesn't seem to understand.

 

I know we should be grateful he's not out clubbing with a fake ID (which I know goes on) and that he's not drinking a lot. And in a couple of months he'll be 18 and in a few more he'll have left home. It's just a huge adjustment which OH seems to be having more difficulty with than me.

 

How strict have you been (or would you be) with your about-to-leave-home teenagers? Are we being really old-fashioned?

[Looney]

Hi ANH,

 

Sorry I can't offer advice from a parental point of view as Bogwoppit is only 2!

 

I would say though that I used to avoid conversations with my parents when I didn't want to let them know what I'd been up to. Not that I was up to anything terrible or criminal just stuff that they may not approve of (getting drunk, smoking, boys etc) so the less I said, the less likely I was to let slip / be caught out. The more I felt they disapproved, the less I spoke to them. OK, not great with hindsight!

 

Your son might be less chatty cos he is completely knackered from all the late nights!

 

Sorry, no real help. Sending you big hugs xxx

[Chucky Mama]

I think that changes could be due to lack of sleep myself. The going out until late will be taking it's toll. In my experience and admittedly my eldest is only 16, character changes are usually sleep related. My son does claim that if he came to me with his arm hanging off I would advise him to have an early night though

[Valkyrie]

He might be realising what he's missing and is trying to distance himself in order to adjust better at college. Or he might be a little depressed at how he should be grown up in a few short months and keeping his mind off missing the family and friends by partaying like there's no tomorrow. Or he may be just doing what all the other lads have been doing a little bit younger - mine hopefully is beginning to mature - he's 20 in June.

I too had the battles with the slamming doors - and said that if he didn't want me to nag, then have a little more respect (not those exact words of course - um, refined here ). It does sink in eventually - I hardly hear him at all now and if it weren't for the front door being warped, I wouldn't hear the door either. Although I listen out to make sure everyone's home safe anyway. He also tells his mates to be quiet and lets face it, young lads voices boom out - and the girls voices are higher pitched - especially when they are chatting underneath the bedroom window and you need to sleep!

Your boy sounds like a good enough young man, so just talk to him when he's in a receptive mood and pick your moment well.

And all too soon it will be all quiet on the western front when he goes to uni, so I would let him free range (with conditions) for a little while longer.

Good luck and don't worry too much.

[Lewis]

Mother almost started crying earlier when we were talking (with family friends) about me leaving for Uni in September

 

Sounds like he's just enjoying himself

For me, they know I'm fairly sensible and as long as I let the parentals know where I am, its normally ok

There have been the late nights but I normally get a taxi back, or if someone is driving they offer lifts

 

Some of my friends are told to be back for 11 and not to drink anything etc, and they do the total opposite and just get off their faces - so as long as you're happy for him to drink a bit, be sensible etc then he should be fine.

[sunshinesupernova]

absolutely no help - but I'm surprised someone else's littleun has the nickname "Bogwoppit" Mine is 17 months going on 18yo !

[abwsco]

I will go down as an unfit mother I'm sure if I put the time on here that my DD's come in at

[sadietoo]

My DS is 17 so having similar experience here.

 

The whole alcohol thing is really difficult, but actually I'd rather allow and monitor as much as possible in preparation for when he is out there on his own ....I think there is a need to separate from home and to put some distance between themselves and childhood years...

 

It all seems pretty healthy to me, and the main thing is to keep the dialogue open..and of course make sure they remember that they need to do enough work to get that Uni place, so there is a time when the late nights need to stop and the hard work needs to be put in..

 

In our house we call that April and May .

[Snowy]

I agree, uncommunicative = too many late nights

He does sound fairly sensible ANH. Pick your times to chat to him about what he gets up to (within reason ). Mine is on a fitness kick at the moment so is accompanying me on dog walks. I find that's a good time to chat to him about his socialising. I try to make it very chatty and friendly rather than incriminating and he has been very open with me about what he has consumed or not as the case may be!

[Seagazer]

All sounds pretty normal to me My ES sounds about the same as yours (he's nearly 19) can be chatty when he wants to but clams up at other times (he's just split up with girlfriend of 18 months and I would never have known if it wasn't for facebook )

 

Life is so different for them when they go to uni, they can make all the decisions over how they live their lives themselves that I think its wise to let them grow up a little before they go.

My DD had lots of friends before uni but wasn't one for being out all the time but I'm glad I wasn't there to see her partying during the first couple of years. I think I would have been like She always chats but I think some boys don't open up so much.

 

My OH is much stricter and because he used to work away it used to be harder for him to accept how the children were growing up and to just let them be - within reason. ES has always been a more sociable and wanting to go out from an earlier age.

 

It does get easier as they get older and you get used to it. Sometimes I don't even hear them come in, and when DD is away at uni I can't spend all my time worrying about her as I don't know what she's doing most of the time.

 

You sound as if you're on the right track and that a few good nights sleep for the young man will probably help.

[Cinnamon]

Sounds like normal teenage hormonal behaviour to me

 

My eldest is totally unsociable.She goes to her boyfriends house,or he comes here,but apart from that she does nothing. I almost wish she would go out & party,rather than sit upstairs playing computer games,but she is who she is

 

Your son may be a bit scared about going off to uni & fending for himself soon,& maybe that is why he is creating a distance too,& why he is now trying to extend his socialising (although I suspect that young ladies may also be a factor in this!)

[freddie]

yr house, yr rules,, so lay them down and let everyone know, that way, there can be a bit more harmony and sleep.

I think yr pretty sensible, and that teenagers are just that, even if they are bigger than all of us(have we shrunk??)

I think that youth/grown ups are like rudderless boats, and still need/like a bit of guidance, as it is then one less thing for them to deal with...

He'll be fine, can he cook, do laundry etc, thats one way of exerting power, as they realise how helpless they are!!!

Good luck with it all, Poor lad, who wants to be that age again. All that angst!!

[WitchHazel]

 

OH is getting cross at the late nights (although ES is texting us to say when he's coming home or if he's not). We're having disturbed nights which ES doesn't seem to understand.

 

 

Firstly, I would like to say that it sounds like you've done a fab job of bringing up your ES. He sounds very responsible, just catching up on what he's missed out on. The fact that he is texting you to let you know he's OK is excellent.

 

The late nights thing IS a nuisance, and he probably really doesn't understand the problems that disturbed nights have on you and your OH. However, he's young, and they don't understand at that age.

 

A bit of me wonders whether *part* of the reason your OK is getting cross isn't just to do with the late nights? A bit of envy perhaps? I don't mean in a nasty way - I deliberately chose the word "envy" rather than "jealousy"

 

I know I used to get frustrated with some of the choices by DSD made through her lack of self confidence, and I realised that part of my frustration was that I could see myself at her age in her (despite her being my SD, we're very similar in some ways), and I could see history repeating itself a bit.

 

Not quite the same situation as with your OH and your son, but not totally dissimilar.

 

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Thanks all, it's reassuring that I don't seem to be alone in this .

 

Interesting point, Witchhazel . I'm not sure if that's it, though, he does a lot of marathon running/fell running/dog walking/cycling and just needs sleep . I think he misses ES communicating with him though . He tends to be "tough cop" so I end up mediating/communicating.

 

ES went out last night with a 1am curfew but was back at midnight . He said there wasn't much point staying longer as he wasn't drinking .

 

I always go into his room for a chat before I go to bed. He's not been so willing recently but I did manage to "bond" a bit over his new mobile phone last night . OH is a bit cross that ES didn't go and speak to him at all .

 

Washing his (3 day old ) jeans this morning, there are what look/smell suspiciously like little burn marks on them. A little chat required, methinks. I know he doesn't/wouldn't smoke so it might just be some other kid mucking about.

[Karen & co.]

ANH, this thread has been very reassuring for me too! ES goes through phases where he is distant and sometimes snappy, other times very affectionate. On top of all the usual teenage stuff, at almost 17 he had to endure months of tests to see if he has epilepsy and was recently given a clean bill of health

 

Adament he doesn't want to go to uni, I'm concerned when most of his friends leave later this year he will regret his choice

 

We do lay down the rules about when he should be in and he usually keeps to it or lets us know if he will be staying out or running late. Most of the time he tells me things about what his friends get up to that make my hair curl, but I'm also reassured that he feels he can tell me, especially when some of them are children of friends of mine, and he trusts me not to spill the beans (unless obviously I feel it important enough to discuss it with them)

 

We recently went to Wales in our caravan and a group of 3 turned up to see him and sat chatting to us in the awning surely not the coolest thing to do during their Easter break?!! I know there was an ulterior motive to it as they planned a 'fun' night sleeping in the car near to the beach ES came back at stupid o'clock to get a better sleep

 

I guess we can only do our best when it comes to teenagers and be there for them, keep the lines of communication open and I guess it will all work out hopefully for the best

 

Karen x

[chelsea]

Sounds like normal teenage hormonal behaviour to me

 

My eldest is totally unsociable.She goes to her boyfriends house,or he comes here,but apart from that she does nothing.

 

 

I agree, I was exactly the same at that age. I was horrible to my mum when I hit the stage from 15-17 Thankfully it passes though

[patsylabrador]

My oldest left home at 16 to join the army and yes I did experience that distancing with him. We talked a lot and although he assured us it was pull factors rather than push factors for the reason he was leaving, I think he needed to prepare himself mentally.

He loves coming home where he can just relax, nothing is expected and no one is hollering at him!

I do loads of baking and stock up on beer (sorry, can't resist saying - he's finally home from A on Sunday - so excited!)

It's a big thing to leave home, I remember it well and I think you have to fight the desire to do the easy thing and stay at home.

[Blackrocksrock]

My lad is 33 now and I remember almost tearing my hear out with him - he came home drunk and swore blind he was not - I sat up most of the night in case he choked on his vomit! - he crashed his car or more than one occasion and was caught doing 103 mph on a dual carriageway! - he had to pay with fines and lost licence and had to resit his test and he came out the other side in the end and is a fine young man now - he was a lovely lad then to all but us!! - and all the hormone related teenage stuff long gone - he still maintains he was not drunk that night though Your ES will come out of it and he is just making his own way in the world - try and not worry too much or make too much of it - I remember not sleeping till he was in too - nightmare at the time.

[Rhapsody]

Sound exactly like what is going on Chez Rhapsody too! ES is 18 in May, is off on Gap year in August, and we've always been very very close. We have exactly the same sense of humour he's always been a bit lazy social-wise and would rather sit at home watching comedy on Dave with me than go out.

But a couple of months ago he passed his driving test, made some local mates and even has a steady girlfriend! He is still polite and entertaining company but he makes his excuses after dinner and goes out or talks to GF on MSN. I've let him drink beer and wine at home for some time so he hasnt gone out madly boozing and likes to drive home from most parties so that side of it has been ok.

But I miss our laughs together, I miss folding up in hysterics with him (we both get incapable with giggles and tears in the eyes) and I am learning to live with it. To answer the original question, yes I feel my son is trying out his wings and pulling away from the family, its painful but its natural, and what is the alternative?

[ali-s]

Much the same here as well.

 

Jack will be 19 in April and is waiting to get a place as a submariner in the Navy. He has always been a home bird preferring to play on the X Box in his room or sit on the sofa laughing with me at something silly on the TV, we both have a very sarcastic sense of humour which the rest of the family just don't get, I will miss those laughs when he leaves.

 

We gets days when he just grunts at us as he passes through the house, or we don't see him until mealtimes and then he returns to his room after the meal is eaten unless I drag him back to do the washing up.

 

When he turned 18 we didn't give him a curfew time to be in and we have encouraged him to go out, fend for himself and be independant, we won't be there when he is under the sea for months on end. He is a sensible young man and sometimes does wake up with a hangover, if he is out in his friends car he doesn't drink as his friend can't because he has to drive.

 

Jack has one rule, to tell us before he goes out if he intends to come home after a night out so we can have a drink or go to bed without having the worry of a call to go and pick him up at some ungodly hour.

[Saronne]

My youngest will be 19 in May. He was a bit of a hermit at age 17 - rarely going out, etc. But since he's been driving (almost a year, now,) he's always out socialising with his pals and has a girlfriend. We've had the talk about alcohol - he knows that if he drives, he's not to drink. He's also been known to sleep over at a mates house if he has had a drink, but always texts us to let us know that is what's happening.

 

All in all, what you've discribed sounds pretty normal.

 

 

Saronne x

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Oh dear . ES went to a party last night. I thought I'd successfully appealed to his sense of duty - ie don't be too late and keep in touch. I woke at 3.15am, worried till 3.30 - still no text so texted him. "I'm fine, having a sleep". He's stayed over.

 

ES is really angry and is going to refuse permission for the next party (whenever that is). He still maintains 3.30 is far too late to be out and can't understand why he has to stay over (because the alternative is walking home . I did offer him a lift at 3.30am .)

 

I wonder where all the parents are . I wouldn't be happy with 20-odd teenagers crashing at my house (not that I have room!)

 

I'm really hoping the novelty wears off and that all these absent parents return soon .

[Woodcat]

ES is really angry and is going to refuse permission for the next party (whenever that is). He still maintains 3.30 is far too late to be out and can't understand why he has to stay over (because the alternative is walking home . I did offer him a lift at 3.30am .)

 

being honest with you it sounds like this is getting slightly out of proportion. It's a pain in the bum when people go out and wake you up when they get back and the chances are he had drunk enough that when someone said do you want to stay over so you don't wake your parents he jumped at the chance the other possibility was that he was looking after someone else n as such forgot to text. Fundamentally in less than 6 months (if hes going to uni in sept which i think you said) hes going to be doing this with no guidance so surely it's far better he does stupid things like get totally drunk and being out all night(even the most sensible people do it at least once) when he has the safety net of being able to come to you if necessary. As for 3:30 being to late to go out he's nearly 18 at that point while you can have house rules and everything else he is in adult and as such free to make his own choices and mistakes.

 

My experience from my school was that the people who had a steady hand and a slow relaxation of curfews etc stayed on a steady road with the occasional blip where they got drunk and went home throwing up whereas the people who had curfews and strict rules about when to go home and what they could do etc ended up doing the silliest and most outrageous things to be able to go to these parties and got roaring drunk quickly because they had to go home and pretend to be sober. Now i'm not saying your son is going to do any of these things because he sounds like a sensible lad but it's worth giving him the chance to do these things now and be out till the small hours now because he's going to do it when he goes to uni anyway.

 

I agree have a quiet word about waking you up and what he can do to not wake you i.e. is he banging the front door is it him coming up the stairs. but be prepared for the fact that he might decide that it's easier to stay at a friends if hes drunk so as not to wake you. I do agree it's naughty not to have kept in touch but i don't think banning him from going next time is going to do anything other than make him resentful. He sounds like a steady responsible lad so perhaps your OH needs to give him a chance to be

[patsylabrador]

It does get better, you get used to it. I think the father's anger is hardest to deal with but I respect their interest in keeping things in control. So many father's don't bother. I found that by telling my husband to go to sleep and that I would wake him up if necessary eased that tension. I would lie awake listening to the last tube train and buses and then go to sleep myself.

Don't think badly of me, but if they come home worse for wear, I put down a sleeping mat and sleeping bag in the laundry room and make them sleep there with the Guinea Pigs. It's safe and more importantly - it's near the loo.

I came down one morning to find the guinea pigs up at their bars staring at the snuffling wreck on the floor. Seemed to keep them entertained.

I'm always very nice and kind about hangovers, that seems to make them feel guilty and it's not something I have to put up with very often which considering I have 4 young people living here is good going.

Good Luck!

There is no way I would give control of my home to a group of partying youths!

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Thanks for your responses .

 

I do agree it's getting out of hand and I've tried to explain to ES that he needs to work with his dad if he's going to be able to do the things he wants. To be honest, I don't have a problem with the staying over (I'd rather that than staggering home alone at 3.30) and I don't even mind the time. But OH is very stubborn and tends to rant rather than negotiate . I wish he'd remember that ES is a really good boy and has given us no reason for concern, ever.

 

I'm hoping that once the holidays are over it'll settle down but until then, I'm stuck in the middle of an angry, immovable OH and a shrugging, inflexible teenager .