Ain't Nobody Here Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 (edited) Mum came to the conclusion that it was time to go into a nursing home a while back - she had been really struggling with anxiety, boredom and loneliness when she was alone due to her severe short term memory loss. Trouble is, she kept forgetting she'd decided that's what she wanted so it's been a bit like Groundhog Day. Anyway, today was the day. She has gone to a 2 year old, purpose built home 3 minutes from her house which is palatial compared to the other nursing homes I've looked at. Wide corridors, sitting rooms laid out like you'd have at home rather than all the chairs round the edge of the room, spacious rooms with private toilet/wet room. A coffee shop, cinema and gorgeous gardens too. After being quite pleasant as the lovely staff chatted with her and filled in all the forms, she ended up shaking and wailing, threatening suicide (again ), telling me I couldn't be so cruel as to leave her, "why can't I just go home tonight till more people come?". The unit is half empty as the poor NHS residents are all being turfed out due to funding cuts . New people will be moving in over the next few weeks. Things can only get better. Right? Edited December 23, 2015 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grandmashazzie Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 ANH massive decision for you all. I am sure she will settle and it will be a weight off your mind,you will know she is being well cared for. How lovely to find one so close to her area and so good. My mum was very well until she was 88 then she had a minor illness and seemed to lose all vitality. One of the last things she said to me was 'if you're putting me in a home make sure it's a good one' sadly she died in her sleep a few days later. It sounds as if you are doing exactly that,using a good one. I hope your mum settles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soapdragon Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 ANH...you HAVE done the right thing! It sounds like a lovely place and she will very soon get used to it and feel like she has been there for ages! Its a very hard decision to make but you can only do the best you can do and it sounds like you have!!!!! Ask yourself......'would I be happy to be here'......sounds like the answer would be yes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scary Mary Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 My friends put their elderly mother in a home earlier this year, her dementia meant that she had progressed to a stage where carers could not cope and she was too vulnerable to stay at home. It was very difficult for the first couple of weeks, tantrums and all sorts - but she settled down very quickly, is in excellent health and to everyone's amusements even found an admirer The dementia helped as they soon forget and the routine is very calming. It is not easy for you and my heart goes out to you - but she is safe and well in a lovely place so don't beat yourself up. Things will get better and hopefully sooner than you think. Mary Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olly Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 It's a very hard decision, but you know it's the right thing for your mum and - in her lucid moments - she also knows it's the right thing. It could be a new lease of life for her once she settles down. It will get better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redhotchick Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Hi ANH, big hug coming your way from me. I know this has been quite some time coming for you. It does sound like a very nice place. I have been to a couple of sheltered accommodation places over the years for various reasons, and I always think that I wouldn't mind living in one at all. I know they are not the same as a nursing home, but somewhat similar. My mum has Alzheimer's. My mum and dad are still alive and together, and I think as far as social services is concerned Dad is responsible enough to look after her. In reality this is not the case, we are barely managing, between us siblings, to check on them each evening. Mum has two half hour calls each day. This is just enough to see that she gets her medicine. My dad is expected to ensure she doesn't wander off. In reality he isn't able to lock her in or stop her going out. I could go on and on. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. Each good day is a blessing x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 You have done the right thing. x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WitchHazel Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Things will get better. Definitely. The home you've chosen sounds lovely, and you know that you've taken care in the choosing. Your mum's Dementia may well mean that once she's settled in, which won't take long, you'll may find that she actually prefers being in the home and eventually won't even want to go out. Things couldn't go on the way they were, she would eventually have become a danger to herself. This way, all her needs can be met and in a lovely environment. I can absolutely understand her last minute panic. It's natural when making such an enormous, life-changing, adjustment to have doubts. I know it's not quite the same (but it kind of is, just not quite such a big change) but when we moved house 17 years ago, s had a last minute panic because I wasn't sure I really wanted to leave the old house. My grandfather had bought the house when it was first built in the 20s, nd I had bought it from him. I felt I was letting the family down by moving - even though the move was instigated by me, to somewhere I wanted to go. It won't necessarily be OK immediately, but it won't take long. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bramble Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 I'm really sorry to hear this ANH, been there, seen it, done it, with my own Dad, it's a dreadful decision to make, but it will be the right decision for all of you. There is bound to be a period of adjustment, but mum will settle and she will find life easier there, we found that in Dad's case, with his difficulties he was very much seen as "abnormal" in the outside world, but within the nursing home, he was completely normal, accepted and understood by everyone there. It actually became quite a haven for us all, visiting there, seeing dad, chatting with the staff. Very difficult to do at that start, but it will be for the best. Sending hugs your way xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groovychook Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 I think you've both made the right decision too. She'll still be confused and feel resentment but hopefully, once she starts to settle, will come to appreciate the company. At least you will know that she is being well looked after and protected and that will bring you some peace of mind. Things will definitely get better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted June 19, 2015 Author Share Posted June 19, 2015 Bit of a shocker last night - they called to say she'd hit a male carer in the face and tried to cut her wrists with a butter knife . They had to give her one to one attention all night and told me that the nursing home wouldn't let her stay . I went in this morning and was basically told the same thing but managed to persuade them to give her the weekend to settle in and said I'd come and spend the night if she kicked off again. If it becomes a pattern, they may need to reassess things but hopefully she'll calm down. She had no recollection of last night and thought she was up north in a home . Had no idea she'd only arrived yesterday. Wish me luck . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grandmashazzie Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Oh goodness poor you.Perhaps get her GP involved if this is uncharacteristic behaviour. She has had huge upheaval and surely needs a chance to settle.Good luck over weekend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted June 19, 2015 Author Share Posted June 19, 2015 It's not that uncharacteristic, sadly. She's never actually hit anyone before though . She's had a couple of hours out with her old carer, which she enjoyed and was only a little anxious on returning to the home. I'll get my overnight bag packed in case I get a call . One plus point, her social worker is a lovely guy who seems happy to talk to me for as long as I need and was very sympathetic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Only just caught up on this Vicki - what a hard decision to make, and I know can't have been easy. She's still at that relatively aware state, and, as the dementia progresses and she becomes less aware, she will settle and become more biddable. Don't lose heart, I am sure that she will settle down after a couple of days. A big hug for you XXOO As you know, my mother has advanced dementia, and we tried a nursing home with my her, different ones on a few occasions, mostly as respite for my dad. None of them worked, so my dad had her at home with the help of privately funded 'sitters'. It took a fairly big stroke (as opposed to the smaller ones) and a nasty fall at home, followed by a stay in hospital - which was ghastly - to finally make the NHS/Social Services get their acts together and come up with what is now a fantastic care package. It took loads of time on the phone, and prodding all the way, but we finally have a solution which works for all involved. You will come through this, and she will fit in - dementia sufferers hate any form of change to their environment or routine, and it takes them a while to fit in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickencam Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 Sorry to hear this ANH. hope everything settles down soon and that it is just the transition that is making her anxious. It is reinforcing the fact that you have made the right choice, she needs specialist care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted June 20, 2015 Author Share Posted June 20, 2015 My heart sank when I got another call from the home at 9pm last night. She was apparently getting very verbally aggressive but I spoke to her on the phone for about half an hour and managed to talk her down. She's confusing the care she used to get at home with the new setup in the nursing home - wanting to know why the carers' visiting times and names aren't in her diary and how she phones to cancel if she's going out. |I haven't been called again so hopefully she had a settled night. I've written a Social Story for her (just like we do for the autistic kids at my school!) so she can be shown that when she gets confused and I'm not there. I do feel for her, it must be so confusing and scary . Oh, and in case you're wondering what part my vile brother is playing in all this? I emailed him on Wednesday to ask him to get in contact so I could tell him his mother has moved into a home. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Shows how much he cares, as if that was in doubt . He's obviously just waiting for the house to be sold so he can walk off with half the proceeds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackrocksrock Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 I feel for you right now and hope you can get her settled as it sounded a lovely home - as to that brother of yours - surely the house will have to be sold to pay for her care in the home and he will not be able to access it while she is alive. That is the usual anyhow as I have seen it. You need a break from this and hope it comes soon. Remember to take care of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WitchHazel Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this on your own. It WILL pass. The Social Story sounds interesting - can you tell me a bit more about it please? What makes it so? Is it a special format? What do you put in it? Is it like the book written by Tony Husband for his dad? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted June 20, 2015 Author Share Posted June 20, 2015 surely the house will have to be sold to pay for her care in the home and he will not be able to access it while she is alive. Sadly not. He manipulated my dad into leaving him the value of my dad's half of the house, which he will get when it's sold, whether my mum is alive or not. He had also manipulated my mum into leaving him her half but thankfully we found out and a new Will has been made. Mum has left me everything of hers but the care home costs come out of my inheritance and I'll get what's left, if anything. WitchHazel, I'm not an expert in writing social stories, I've only seen a few but here's a website that explains them. http://www.autism.org.uk/living-with-autism/strategies-and-approaches/social-stories-and-comic-strip-conversations/how-to-write-a-social-story.aspx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 I do hope she settles. Are they not equipped to deal with agression? I cant believe your mums the first to get distressed and wont be the last. Hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted June 21, 2015 Author Share Posted June 21, 2015 A pattern is emerging . I'm getting a call each night at about 9 or 10pm, with mum ranting about one thing or another. "I'll just kill myself and it'll be on your conscience" - err, I don't think so. She's being really grumpy and negative when I visit her too. I wonder how long it'll take for her to settle and if she ever will . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WitchHazel Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 Any better Vicki? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted June 23, 2015 Author Share Posted June 23, 2015 Thanks for asking . She's still as grumpy and negative (asking how she can kill herself without getting anybody into trouble!) but at least I didn't get a call last night. Her old carer has been visiting the days I'm working (I finish for the summer tomorrow) so I've had a break from her for a couple of days! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WitchHazel Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 It's early days yet. Which is easy for me to say. I'm not on the sharp end. Probably best that your brother hasn't been in touch, as he might just stir things up and make them worse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted June 23, 2015 Author Share Posted June 23, 2015 I'm popping into mum's house daily and did 1471 today. He called last night at 6.50pm, so he obviously doesn't know she's left the house but isn't making much effort to find out where she's gone . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
