Storms and chickens

[Krysia]

fantastic news,

[Ain't Nobody Here]

It's been a while since I've posted here but there has been a development.

 

In April I decided to send a letter via the Swiss social worker to my birth father. The British social worker forgot to send the letter on so it's taken longer than it should have but I heard back today that my father and his wife have decided not to accept my letter . His wife didn't know I'd got in touch initially, so I'm glad he's shared it with her, even though they've decided against reading the letter.

 

I'm disappointed, obviously, but actually hadn't considered this as an option. I thought he would read the letter but then decide whether or not to have contact. I really just wanted him to know something about what happened to me and that I've had a very happy life.

 

I've left my letter (and photo of me holding a chicken ) with the Swiss social worker in case he changes his mind.

 

In an ironic and sad twist of fate, I heard yesterday that my birth mother has lost her swallowing reflex and isn't expected to live for much longer (she has had Alzeihmers for the last 7 years or so).

[Goosey Lucy]

Oh ANH I don't know what to say but wanted to say something. After all that you've been through recently you deserve same happy news. I've never been in your situation so can't offer anything other than my thoughts and best wishes. x

[Guest]

A rejection like that must be painful but remember the family that loves you; your husband and children will be there for you no matter what, not to mention your friends. It's his loss in not wanting to get to know you!

 

xxxxxx

[Snowy]

Oh I am sorry to hear that ANH, how disappointing for you

You have done what you can - lets just hope he has a change of heart in the future.

[Guest]

Vicki, that must all be quite hard for you to cope with, even though you sound very reasonable about it. I'm glad to hear you've had a happy life and hope it continues - but it's certainly not without its emotional pulls and pushes. It's nice of you to share this with us. I suspect I might have been too hurt to share the rejection!

 

I'm sorry to hear about your birth mother too. Alzheimer's is horrible, especially (well maybe not especially because all the stages are awful) at the end when the natural reflexes go.

 

I hope you're OK. Take care!

 

xx

[superjules]

Good grief Vicki, what an awful lot to contend with.

 

Nothing helpful to add, just wishing you strength. I found my father 10 years or so ago, it involves huge emotional turmoil for everybody involved and I know from experience there's not always a happy ending. Keep your chin up doll.

[Angels4]

Gosh, ANH What can I say. I'm so sorry your birth father has made IMO "The biggest mistake of his life." What a shame his does not relize the enrichment you would bring to him and his family. I'm also sorry to hear your birth mother is doing poorly. I will light a candle and pray for you and your family. Take care of you.

Mark

[BeckyBoo]

I don't know what to say either, there's no manual you can read for stuff like that. I think it's a strange reaction of his, but then I've never been in your position, or his but I think his decision is a real shame. Lots of love luvvy, thinking of you. My goodness me what a year you've had. Have a virtual glass of something comforting and a virtual hug from me.

 

Mrs B

[Egluntyne]

Sorry to hear it ANH. Perhaps when they have had time to reflect they will reconsider.

 

It seem as shame that they have decided not even to read the letter. Maybe they think you are after something and are about to sweep in and claim an inheritance or similar. I'm sure his curiosity will get the better of him eventually.

 

He is denying himself so much.....a beautiful daughter and his grandchildren. His loss.

 

Very sad news about your birth mother too.

 

Lots of love.

xx

[Jules.]

Vicki you have been through the mill recently.

My thoughts & prayers are with you x

[Lesley]

Sorry to hear your news ANH

 

I am a firm believer that these things are meant to be.....even if we can't always see it at the time. Perhaps the time just isn't right yet, but who knows what is around the corner?

[Olly]

I wonder if he will change his mind. It's a huge issue for you but in some ways it must have been even more so for him, especially if he's only just told his wife about you. At least you have done all you could, and he knows that you tried to contact him.

 

As Lesley says, these things happen for a reason. Hope you can deal with the disappointment; what a year you have had.

[hils78]

Wow what a story. I think that the initial reaction you posted about in January is the one to hold onto. He was excited about your contact and seemed from what you wrote genuinley made up that you'd found him and had asked questions about you which is fantastic. Hold onto that. He's had ?years of trying to supress his feelings towards you which he's probably got quite good at - and he's for what ever reason decided to continue with that - comfort, fear of change whatever. His wife probably feels very threatened for her & her own children even though obviously grown up. She probably thinks that another good looking woman in her husbands life could cause trouble

I would definately see this as a positive contact with your birth father...who knows where it may lead. He is probably just so happy that you've had a good & happy life (which I'm assuming the swiss people gave him an idea of).

 

Sending white light

 

Hxxx

[lisa33]

Sorry to hear about this ANH.

 

Don't really know what to say but my thoughts are with you.

[The Dogmother]

Sorry to hear your news ANH

 

I am a firm believer that these things are meant to be.....even if we can't always see it at the time. Perhaps the time just isn't right yet, but who knows what is around the corner?

 

My sentiments exactly

[Phonix]

Not really sure what to say other than to say that I agree with everyone else...its his loss and perhaps he may change his mind in the future.

 

He's told his wife now and that can only be a positive - he's been dealing with this since you were born and probably thinking about you making contact with him for just as long and now its happening he's just not ready and feels its happening too fast.

Who knows what may happen between the two of you in the future but at least both of you know that the other is alive, safe and happy.

 

Im sorry to hear about your birth mum too - thoughts are with both of you.

 

xXx

[..lay a little egg for me]

Just want to echo everyone else's sentiments and say that my thoughts are with you...

xx

[clootie]

I've only just caught up with this thread this morning. My heart goes out to you ANH. Whatever his reasons are for not wishing to read your letter, your father will be thinking of you probably on a daily basis and I think that, in time, he will need to read what you have to say. It sounds like you have even more emotional turmoil ahead with your mum and I send you best wishes and strength to get through it. Remember, life does not put things in front of you that you are unable to handle. Hard to accept sometimes but you will come through this a much stronger person. xx

[WitchHazel]

Sorry to hear about this Vicky. I can imagine that this is a big disappointment, even if you initially didn't have any burning need to see him.

 

From his (and his wife's) pov, it's not just a case of telling their children. It's really about telling their whole family and their friends. There would be all the questions, the speculations, the judgements, the gossip. And that's without factoring in you and what you may bring.

 

If they don't want to take it further, then I think that their refusing the letter is sensible (although obviously hurtful for you). It's probably a difficult decision for them, but it's easier for them to stop it at this stage than at a later stage. And it might not feel like it, but it's actually kinder on you too.

 

The very fact that he doesn't want to take this further is bound to cause you pain, at whatever point the decision is made. But imagine if he had actually read your letter and then decided not to contact you. I can't say how that would make you feel, as I'm not you. I can imagine though, that if it were me, I would then feel even more rejected and I would be wondering what it was in my letter and photo that made him decide he didn't want to contact me.

 

I would imagine it will be very difficult for him, knowing that there is a letter there waiting for him. Every time he sees a film about an adopted child finding his/her parents, he's going to think about you and wonder. Much more so than he did before. Before, he knew you existed, but you weren't real to him. Now he knows there is a living breathing person out there who would love to meet him, and all he has to do is to read that letter.

 

Whilst there is life. there is hope.

 

<>

[missuscluck]

Vicki, love and hugsx

[Blackrocksrock]

Sending hugs from here - I have never done it and I am adopted too - I have the birth cert but did not go any further - Maybe I regret it a little but was scared to to further I think.

[mrsallen08]

So sorry to hear this.

Maybe its not the right time in their lives for this now. It may seem selfish and unpredicatable but until you know the other side of the story you may never understand. It is heartening that your Dad did remember dates and names. Maybe he will get in touch one day. At least you will never have any regrets about trying to find him, you did all you could. Good luck and best wishes.

[KimmyCustard]

Poor ANH! I read your post before about your adoptive parents, what a time you've had with your family issues. You're obviously in your dad's thoughts or he wouldnt have remembered dates and names but as the others have said, who can tell what his reasons are? Time will tell if he changes his mind.

 

Thinking of you and sending you happy thoughts......

 

Kimmy

x

 

[bokbokbok]

How bizarre! When I saw your subject title I thought the news was going to be that he had died before being able to meet you - not that this.

 

It isn't *normal* to not jump at a *second chance* like this - is it? We expect people to react differently the second chance round but his timing must just be out of synch with yours.

 

Pft to him, I say

 

Perhaps this chapter isn't finished yet.