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[Rhapsody]

Mrs B I'm so sorry its come to this. I grew up in an alcoholic household and I applaud you for saving your children from any more of that. Big hugs (and if you need someone to walk Delilah, let me know.

xxx

[Mutrix Farmers]

Oh my Mrs B, what a lot you have had to contend with. I can only wish you the very best for the future and I hope that you can help the children understand what you are all going through. I also hope that OH can get proper help to overcome the alcoholism and build a new life for himself.

 

Big ((((hugs))))

[jlo]

Hugs and best wishes from me too.

[kitbag]

me too!

[Willow]

Well done Mrs B - a difficult decision and clearly not one you've made lightly. Wishing you well for the future.

[Phonix]

Mrs B - good luck and best wishes from me although it doesn't sound like you'll need it as you're obviously a lovely, strong person and brilliant mother.

 

Stacey

xXx

[kannie]

I admire your strength Mrs B: never an easy decision to end a relationship, especially not one that involves other people too, but sometimes it just needs to be done. Well done for moving you and yours on towards a happier place.

 

So what's the new name going to be?!

[Berkochicks]

Hi Mrs B,

 

small piece of advice RE housing (used to work for a homelessness charity) .

 

I recommend you visit your local housing office and say you are worried you may become homeless. That you have decide to split and you are anxious your other half will not pay the mortgage/ rent and therefore lead to you becoming homeless. They will tell you about your options. If he does stop paying and you have tried to do something about it then it will be recorded in your notes. This will give you the chance to put yourself on the council housing list. If you loose your current accommodation /move out from your own choice without doing anything to prevent it you will be seen as intentionally homeless.

 

The council have a responsibility to house you if you are homeless through no fault of your own. If you have children you will be seen as a priority need.

 

Social services have a responsibility to ensure children have a place to reside under the Children's act. They will only accept this responsibility if you have been declared intentionally homeless.

 

This may not affect you but its good to know that, if you are suffering Domestic Violence you can go to any council in the country, they have to accept responsibility to house you. Of course there has to be recorded evidence IE Police, Social Services of Doctors records. Some people think there is no point reporting DV but, you may be helping someones case in the future when the do get the strength you leave.

 

Hope this is of some help. Good luck to you it may take some time but your life is going to be so much better.

 

Donna

[missuscluck]

Oh my goodness Mrs B. I have just caught up with all of this. Want to give you a very big squeeze. Well done you for being so brave.

Did the doctor put you in touch with any organisations that can help you like Alanon. It sounds like you could do with some support from folks who have been there with alcoholic partners.

Believe me, they are an excellent source of support. They will help you no end in dealing with whats going on. You will be amazed at how many other folks are going through or have been through exactly what you are going through. Unfortunatly it is a familly illness affecting everyone in close range especialy you. You are not alone. It is difficult to go to group meetings with kids at home but you can get help over the phone if you make contact. Its hard to get things off your chest to familly and close friends on this particular subject. With a third party whos already been through what you have its much easyer. You are right about Mr Bertie. He wont stop unless he gets some proper help. If he just stops with no help he is just the same person inside who needed to drink in the first place.

Hopefully you have pulled the rug out and now its bad enough for him to want to stop.

Stay firm. Carry on as normal and nothing will change. You only get one shot at life. Make it good for you and your kids. Thinking of youx

[Blackrocksrock]

I admire you for sticking up for yourself at long last and all credit to you getting yourself sorted out. Keep your chin up and relax and do things for you for a change.

Well done for the positivity.

[earthmam1]

I have just read your post gosh you are really brave and sensible. You sould a really good mother.

 

Dont forget the citizens advice plus if you need legal advice paying for and have house insurance you can sometimes get it on that. It was something I needed when I took my employers to an industrial tribunial and my house insurance paid, its always worth a look.

 

good luck with you new life, lots of hugs xxx

[Bassett]

Mrs B, Just to say I agree with everyone else, YOU ARE SO BRAVE. Well done for making such a big decision.

 

I grew up with an alcoholic father who made the whole family's lives a complete misery, I wish my mum had been brave enough to make the decision you have.

 

All my best wishes, xxx

[BeckyBoo]

Thanks everyone, it's been tough today, the children are starting to notice that he's not around, haven't said "We're getting a divorce" but have said "Daddy's staying with Uncle Mark for a while" so they know he's not around. Then of course he came to middle daughters party this afternoon and, typical, was stone cold sober and really nice. In fact it made it easy to be civil and nice and chat like old days which I think he found tricky, I'm not sure he wasn't a bit confused by it, but if we could stay civilised all the way through (VERY unlikely I know) then it would be fab.

And it's such a shame, because he IS a nice guy, he's a great Dad I could never take that away from him, he just has NO will power whatsoever and even our GP said, he's never grown up. Well, that's no basis for a relationship, I've got three kids who I love looking after, but I don't need a fourth.

Rambling, sorry. It was not as hard as I thought it might be, seeing him I mean, but it did make me sad. If he can be like that now, why can't he be like that all the time.

Don't worry though, I haven't weakened. I have an appointment with a solicitor on Monday and the house is being valued on Wednesday.

I'm not one for wishing my life away but I wish this was all over and done with, it's not going to be nice

 

Mrs B

[Angels4]

Dear Mrs. B,

I've been following your post from the beginning, and have waited until now to respond so I could collect my thoughts. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that you have made a very brave choice, after much thought and many tears. Not a choice to make lightly.

While growing up our father was an abusive alcoholic. When he wasn't drinking he was the most loving, generous father a child could ask for. When I was 6 and Ann Marie was four we knew Mom and Dad were getting a divorce (or should) . Our mom however was not as strong as yourself and didn't divorce my dad until I was 16 and only after he lit the house on fire with us in it. The illness is progressive and will only get worse not better.

 

The second part of the story is similar. My sister married a man just like our dad, he just chose cocaine vs alcohol. Finally my sister had enough and decided to put an end to the cycle which was becoming her life. She didn't want her boys to grow up with a dad they couldn't count on and who was prone to acts of silliness and violence which couldn't be explained away. She remembered being a small child and dad passed out at the dinner table, face in the mashed potatoes asking "What is wrong with dad?" and being told "Nothing, why do you ask?" We started to question our perception of reality.

 

Shortly after my sister filed for divorce her ex-husband was arrested (for violating a restraing order) and put on probation. Part of his probation was weekly tests to see if he was doing drugs. Thankfully he was not. However with a more clear mind his body started to tell him something was not right. He visited his doctor and was immediatley put into the hospital for a triple by-pass, if he had continued doing cocaine he would have suffered a heart attack and possibly died.

 

I tell you this not to scare you but in the hopes your husband will hit his bottom and quit drinking. That he will relize all he is losing because of his drinking and clean up his act. Who knows, the choice to divorce him just might safe his life.

[Guest]

I do feel for you! and I can empathise with a lot of what you are going through!

 

I am divorcing my OH - usual reasons - useless with money, tons of debt on his credit card etc.....the final straw was when he conned me into taking 30k out of our equity to pay his credit cards off!!! Then a year later he had as much on them again and blames me - funny thing is I have never had a credit card!!!!!

 

What made me finally see the point of no return was me being seriously ill last year which culminated in an operation in May........he was so wrapped up in himself the week I was in hospital that he threw a major tantrum because I hadn't spring-cleaned the house, done the shopping and filled the freezer up with meals for him!!!! (sod the children). The children de-camped to my (lovely) sister and he spent the week crying into his beer on a nutty website talking to his online bird in Texas

 

Am I bitter?

 

No! - not one bit - it's a minefield out there - but ask and people will advise you. You will come out the other side, don;t turn down offers of help - or benefits - they will help you get on your feet again. When you are in a better place you will be able to face the world, evaluate your options and move on!

 

And then there are the chickens ......I picked up my eglu from the lovely Olly in March and have never looked back! They listen to me rambling on, cluck soothingly back and understand me exactly!!!!

 

Oh - and I wear Pink!!! - just because it makes me smile!

 

Love and stuff!

 

Louise

XX

[Lewis]

I've just read this.

It sounds like you know exactly what you want and what you are doing.

Claret's idea of a lodger sounds good, I hope you don't have to move out and lose all you pets.

Good Luck in your new life.

Lewis

[..lay a little egg for me]

...and even our GP said, he's never grown up.

 

In my observations of the world, I think there are all too many men like that. My theory is the "women as nurturer" problem...that is to say, they are nurtured and guided through life by their mums and then swap mum for wife thereby avoiding ever having to grow up. Meanwhile girls see from their mum that it is a woman's role to do the nurturing so they have to grow up!

[MedusA]

Oh Mrs. B! *HUGS*

 

I am so sorry to catch up with this thread, but also understand totally what you are going through, (depression rather than alcohol in my case).

 

I split with my ex-husband 8 years ago after much soul-searching, and have never looked back, to be honest. Like your hubby, he wasn't a bad man and was a brilliant father, but he just sucked the joy and life out of me. I moved far away, lock stock and barrel, and am now blissfully happy, so there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I know you say you can't afford to buy another house and you don't want to leave the area, but practically, I'm sure you could easily get a good house elsewhere in the country for half of what a house in Surrey would sell for! Worth considering maybe. Children are very adaptable creatures and a clean break might be for the best. It's only a suggestion. Please feel free to ignore me as I know what is right for one person, is not necessarily right for another.

 

Good luck hon. We're all here to support you. *HUGS*

[jackiepoppies]

Hi Mrs B

 

I should imagine today was quite tough having to verbalize your problems to the Solicitors.

I hope you have come through it OK.

Just to let you know, have been thinking of you. Hugs.

 

Jackiex

[Egg Lou]

Mrs B just catching up with your thread.. having been her myself like so many others on here I know what a brave but difficult decision this must have been.

 

Stay strong and things will come together for you, your chidren are delightful and I'm sure will help you through this tough time.

 

If ever I can help with anything please do shout.. you know I'm not too far away.

 

If you need to home any hens either temporarily while you get sorted or for good then let me know and I'll happily help as have much bigger run now plus intro pen.

 

Take care and my thoughts are with you.

[Lisa]

Hi Mrs B. Only caught up with this today. So sorry that you have had to make such a decision and I hope things went well today. I think the B must stand for 'BRAVE'

 

I am sure the solicitor has probably sorted a lot of things out for you but I thought I would mention that I have a family member who is going through a divorce at the moment and she had fantastic help from the CAB. They made loads of valuable suggestions and put some of the paperwork in place for her tax credits etc.

 

Keep strong and focussed - We are all here to support you whenever you need to off load.

 

Sending love and buckets of

[ChrisP]

Mrs B.

What a tough decision, it can't have been easy for you, but you'll feel better about it. You are so brave, we are all here to support you if you have a bad day

Best of luck with it all, we are always here for you

Sending you virtual [[[[[hugs]]]]]

[BeckyBoo]

Today is awful, last night had a very very long phone conversatoin with stbex OH as you do and resolved nothing except him saying he was prepared to give up drinking. He's sofa hopping, he has nowhere to stay and I feel SO guilty about it although my head says it's not my fault, doesn't help how I feel. Then the children have started asking why they don't see Daddy so much any more which I knew would come but was absolutely heartbreaking to hear.

So he came round this morning to walk the girls to school, and of course he was sober so he was his proper nice self, and the kids were happy he was here. But he's so sad, he's got no work (self-employed) so he's got no money and he HATES not working. He's going to stay in his sisters caravan for a few days as he's got no reason to be up here.

And all I want to say to him is to come home, because it would be so easy, the children would be happy, he would be happy and on a very superficial temporary basis so would I. But I know I can't and it's absolutely breaking my heart.

I know I've done the right thing, and I knew I would have days like this but I just want the sober lovely man back that I fell for in the first place.

 

Mrs B

[Guest]

Mrs B, if that's what you want, what you really, really want, then you must tell him. He will still have to get help for the addiction and you will still have to stick him out until he is completely reformed - 1 or 2 years? (I don't really know).

 

It seems a shame to me to lose everything (all of you) for the sake of an addiction. It is his fault and it isn't, if you see what I mean. This might just have shocked him enough to make him serious about fighting it.

 

I don't know enough about alcoholism and its treatment, so I don't know if a light at the end of the tunnel is helpful in fighting the addiction or if there needs to be total hopelessness (which doesn't seem much incentive to me).

 

He is your husband and your children's father. Your part in his cure might be playing the nasty unbending witch, a sort of cruel to be kind. Hard for both of you, but worth it if it works!

 

You need professional advice! Contact AA.

 

Lots of supportive hugs coming your way!

[Looney]

Huge hugs Mrs B, my heart goes out to you, it sounds like such a difficult situation.

 

Of course you feel guilty, you are a lovely, caring person. You married your husband for a reason and of course the kind man is still in there but whilst he is still drinking there is no room for you in his life. He can't have both you/family and drinking. He really can't have you/family and drinking. How he stops drinking and sorts himself out or what your involvement in this is (or isn't) you will have to decide.

 

I'm sorry I have no pearls of wisdom, but I am thinking of you and you need to stay strong. You made your decision for a very good reason. You need an equally good or better reason to change your mind.

 

xxxxxxxxx