Chicken bald back

[Cinnamon]

I am posting this because the same thing has happened to me 4 times over the last month or so,all with parents of teenagers.

 

Its the 'what can I do' thing

 

One lady said her 14 year old kept pestering her for a nose piercing,which she let her have done saying 'well she wanted it done so what could I do'?

 

Another complained to me that her girl,who is 15,stayed out all night without her parents permission & came home totally drunk to her eyeballs.

Apparantly 'I did the same at her age so what can I do'?

 

Anothers 14 year old son wants to camp out at Reading Festival, which his parents agree is a bad idea, but 'he loves camping so what can we do'?

 

Now,as far as I am concerned you can actually be a PARENT,show some backbone,put your foot down & say NO!!!

 

I am not perfect,far from it, but this sort of complacency makes me mad,& makes my youngest in particular,who also wants a nose piercing,think I am an ogre of some sort.

 

Are these people pushovers,lazy,stupid or do they just not care???

[patsylabrador]

I always said no if I felt justified and I still do - they're all in their 20's. I firmly believed that anything they did should be age appropriate, otherwise what happens when they get to the next stage of their life and they've already done everything. There is nothing new and so they push for more.

It seems to have worked - I'm extremely proud of my little brood.

[Couperwife]

I think the problem is (and this is not from personal experience - no kids see ) is "the easy route"

 

what I mean is that some parents feel the need to spoil the kids (I dont know why...maybe they were deprived as a child, and they dont want their child to suffer the same way...maybe they work full time and feel guilty...who knows) so they just cant say no

 

cathy

x

[Ain't Nobody Here]

I think some people are scared to say no to their kids perhaps because they want to be their friends rather than their parents?

 

They're not doing their kids any favours letting them always have and do everything they want.

[Redwing]

Some parents are scared of their own children

 

1) Scared they are not as generous as other parents

2) Scared their child will report them as bad parents 'somehow' - it does happen

3) Scared their child wont see them as cool

 

Crazy.

[Cinnamon]

Its just such a shame - you do it once & then you see it happening time & time again.

 

I know I shouldn't diss anyones parenting skills,but this sort of 'oh well' attitude really makes me cross.

Especially when it comes to teen girls out all night,roaring drunk,& their parents thinking its fine,or even to be applauded.

 

Mine do drink sometimes,either at home,or when we are out for a meal,& I guess they do if they are out too,but they know that we would not stand for anything excessive & respect us enough to play by our rules (touch wood!)

[Olly]

I think some people are scared to say no to their kids perhaps because they want to be their friends rather than their parents?

 

They're not doing their kids any favours letting them always have and do everything they want.

 

Another one here who doesn't have kids, so it's easy for me to say ... but I'm inclined to agree with you, ANH. I've just spent New Year with a family where the six-year old constantly demands attention, and if it isn't given then to get it she whines, cries and pouts. She expects to be - and usually is - the centre of attention.

 

I can only reflect on my own parenting, my mum was firm but fair, and the worst thing she could say was 'Stop showing off'! A display like the ones this child gave would have had me whisked off into a bedroom in no time, and can I add that I was never smacked - a stern look was usually enough, followed up by a good telling off!

 

I know I sound like an old fogey, and it's lovely to see the much more relaxed attitude that parents and children have these days, but this child is not much fun to be with, either for adults or other children, and I should think she's hard work to teach.

[docsquid]

I don't have kids, but I do see a lot of children through various activities (Scouts, voluntary ski instructing, children of friends etc) who don't have boundaries set for them, so they push their luck because they know they can get away with things. I think if parents never had boundaries set, they don't know how to do it themselves. What is great is how children do respond when you set them boundaries and there are consequences if they break that trust.

 

Another thing I have noticed when teaching kids with behavioural difficulties to ski is that they are almost embarrassed by praise. One quite tough young lad actually started to cry when I praised his efforts. I can imagine him coming from a home where all he gets is criticism. A child who only experiences criticism sees no harm in pushing the boundaries of behaviour because the consequences of this are the same as when they behave - they are told off or at least met with indifference - "what can I do?" attitude.

 

I think there is also an element of the parent can't be bothered. One other example: A cleaner who used to work with us had to bring her son (aged 5) with her one day as her babysitter had let her down. She said all he would want to do was play his nintendo and could I plug it into the TV. I did this, then went out in the garden to pot on the strawberry runners to make plants for next year. He was watching me so I invited him to help. He had a wail of a time, really enjoyed it, and was proud to take home one plant for his garden. His mum had never seen him play outdoors before. He simply needed the opportunity but that obviously takes some effort on the part of the parent, and I think she probably used the TV as a babysitter substitute rather than making the effort to play with the child herself. She went away very thoughtful about doing something in her own garden.

 

I know it's easy to criticise when I can hand them back at the end of an hour/day/weekend, but I do see all sorts of behaviour!

[Lesley]

I think you're right Sarah - children/teenagers need boundaries.......it's compulsory for them to kick at them but they do respect them being there.

 

I'm not perfect either but I'm extremely proud of my two grown-ups. It's hard work saying 'no' at times but that is part of parenting.

Edited January 4, 2010 by Guest

[chelsea]

I do often say to my sister "just who is the parent and who is the child??" when she has trouble with my two nephews.

 

It falls on deaf ears though and for her sake and mine I have shut up now and rant about it to the OH rather than upset my sister.

 

I would be a lot stricter with my own children but can understand how some parents do anything for a quiet life.

[Alis girls]

Thanks for posting this Cinamon as i was tempted to post something which Oh and I had been perrusing over for a while. ES (14) mentioned that he'd had 1/2 an alcopop type drink at a friends recently - offered by a friends mum. I wasnt happy as if I was going to do this I'd check with parent first. I had also heard not so favourable things re friends son from someone else so worried +++. My grandfather drank a lot as did my grandmothers dad and I think alcohol probs run in families. also binged drink myself in late teens so i dont want my son to get a liking. Having said that he has a sip of my wine at dinner when the family are alone but no more and OH and I are responsible drinkers. My friend asked me about what I allowed son on New Yrs Eve and I was able to tell her my reasons why I dint want him having alcohol I cannot regulate away from home. Time for that when hes 18. She took my reasons on board and we did not fall out over it but she should of asked. Same with games and DVDs I always check with parents before allowing another child to view something which may be seen as unsuitable.

I will add I am not a super parent just one that muddles thro as best she can - and neither OH or I had good role models as parents we just do our best.

[Chicken Licken]

Please say NO and stand firm on your opinions and rules. I don't have kids, but work with teenagers all of the time. Many do not seem to have firm boundaries and consequently find it very hard not getting their own way all of the time. Life does not always go the way we want it, and I firmly believe that having boundaries and learning to not always get your own way is an essential lesson in life and allows emotional resilience to develop. Sorry - rant over

[A chickychickychick-ENN!!]

Sound advice and spot on theories. Couldn't agree more.

[theherd123]

Now,as far as I am concerned you can actually be a PARENT,show some backbone,put your foot down & say NO!!!

 

 

 

Saying 'No' is a very difficult thing to do for some people because they are lazy, want an easy life and don't care. Sad but true.

 

I was in a multi disciplinary meeting a couple of year ago with one of my students and her mother was present. After much discussion the student turned to her mum and said 'If you had said 'no' more often and made me do the things I didnt want to do I wouldnt be here now'

 

There's insight for you!

[Cinnamon]

Very true!

 

Now with my youngest,who is 15 next month & desperate to ruin her very pretty face with multiple piercings galore,including some horror called snake bites,we have reached a good compromise.

 

She wants her nose done,which I acually don't mind too much,but we have told her that she needs to grade-up in all of her subjects first,then we can talk about it.

 

Parenting - 60% love,40% bribery

[Snowy]

The excuse I hear most often is "I just want an easy life!" I'm sorry, but I don't want an easy life! Not if it means my children are monsters with no boundaries! I've probably been over strict with my teen - no age inappropriate games or programmes (unless pre vetted and watched with parental supervision); church every Sunday . Now he's 18 he can do what the heck he likes, and he does. Oh, but he doesn't get drunk, never done anything too silly and is generally a sensible lad. The youngest two are a different kettle of fish though. All I seem to do is tell them off, whereas the other party is able to ignore their bad behaviour - "it's easier" I'm dreading them becoming teens

[Cooks]

I am always saying No, such an Ogre me! but I agree totally Cinnamon. They will be asking where they went wrong next. duh!

[Clur]

My 4 year old is very much a mummy's girl and extremely manipulative in getting my attention. She was wetting on purpose and using that to try and get my attention, and if that didn't work she would move the boundaries - using hungry, thirsty and whatever else to get my time. To be honest, sometimes I have been so exhausted it really wore me down to the point I'd have given in to get some peace, so I understand why sometimes people take the easy option with kids.

 

That said I got some professional support and didn't budge with her or our boundaries and we have got everything under control. She's a lovely warm hearted little girl but definitely a diva. Heaven help us when she's a teen, but I tell you something, I won't be saying "what can I do", I'll be threatening her with the health visitor...!

[bluekarin]

Saying 'No' is a very difficult thing to do for some people because they are lazy, want an easy life and don't care. Sad but true.

 

What these people don't realise is by giving in all the time, you are actually making life harder for all in the long run. Especially if you are giving in when the child is below the age of 10 I am not brilliant. I have given in to my kids, on the odd occasion, mainly when I feel I've been too hard on them because I'm tired etc. But they know if I say no, that's what I mean.

[Charlottechicken]

I think some people are scared to say no to their kids perhaps because they want to be their friends rather than their parents?

 

They're not doing their kids any favours letting them always have and do everything they want.

 

As a childless old spinster ( ) I would have to say you are spot on with this. It is certainly why some young girls have children, and also because they have never been shown love and security (in the form of barriers) by their parents and just want someone to love them. However it does not necessarily follow that when you have a child it will love you unconditionally.

 

My ex best friend had a child after losing both her parents (understandable that she wanted her own family) but then was happy to let her daughter rule the roost completely, resulting in her partner, the child's father, walking out too. The daughter was allowed to do everything she wanted, had no fixed bedtime, ate dinner off the sofa (literally tipping the plate of food onto the cushion ) and the central heating was left on full for the whole night because daughter wandered around the house at night and my friend didn't want her getting cold (she used up all her savings doing this). She also stopped using the burglar alarm in case daughter triggered it during the night . However, my friend was stunned when she finally did try to instill discipline and her daughter uttered the words "I hate you". She couldn't believe her daughter could say this after being given free rein and fully expected them to be buddies not mother and child.

 

The child is going to have one heck of a shock when she finds out that the world does not revolve around her

[The Dogmother]

I couldn't agree more Sarah.

 

A child we know is indulged beyond belief and it drives me mad.

 

Rosie is just starting to get to 'that teenage phase' and is testing those boundaries as I fully expect her to - it's how they learn. I know this will be tough on my own, but as a former hellacious teenager myself, i know roughly what to expect. She may be my only child, but I brought up a friend's three boys on and off over a period of nearly 5 years when I was in my twenties, they are all growed up now, one has just got married and they are such a credit to their mum, who knew when to praise and when to say no.

 

We have a ficticious 'Bad Mum Badge' which we swop when our children are sulking at some perceived slight.

 

I agree that parents need to be just that, not best friends, nor cool mates for their children.

[patsylabrador]

During the summer a party spilt onto the street, fights ensued, police were attacked. The party goers were about 15 years old. What really shocked me was the state of the girls, they wouldn't have looked out of place on the street corners around Kings Cross. I would have liked to have lined them up and then got their parents to take a good hard look at their little girls and really considered if what they saw was suitable. In truth I think many would have been very uncomfortable but they are too weak to confront their children.

That rant has been brewing for a long time!

[Valkyrie]

My young fellamylad doesn't like to hear the word "no", so will go storming off, mull it over and come and apologise after he realises I'm right (well of course I am - I'm never wrong and he knows it ). He had snakebites, but kept swallowing one of the piercings in his sleep , so he now only has one. He takes it out for interviews and work. At least when they get fed up (if) with piercings, the holes will seal up again (unless they have those huge holes in their earlobes - shudder). Tattooes are the in thing now. He now has a black dove on his neck just below the collar line, so if he wears a suit it doesn't show. He doesn't want any more piercings or tattooes - hooray!

With her ladyship, she also wanted piercings here there and everywhere. At 14 - no, no a thousand times no. So when she was 15 she pierced her eyebrow with one of my needlework pins! One morning she said she felt unwell, so I felt her forehead for a temperature and scratched my hand on the protruding point. Well that led to me saying over and over "you stupid, stupid little girl" because I couldn't think of anything else to say, apart from "take it out" and then "no don't - the doctor must do it and we have to go to the hospital because you've infected yourself". Then OH says "take it out" and she did! Arghhhh. So at the hospital the doc did agree that it would have been better left in and had it not been spotted she could have lost her eyesight. I said as it was legal for a 16 year old why couldn't she just wait another year. So she had her lip pierced when she was 16 - why couldn't she wait till school finished - Arghhh! But at college she can't have a stud in her lip, so she has a great big bar going through her ear instead (I keep calling it scaffolding because that's what it looks like - apparently it's the correct term for it). Her hair hides it, so it isn't too bad (yuk yes it is but it doesn't show).

DD will probably end up as Sadie the Painted Lady - but the tattoo place in Basingstoke will not do them unless they 18 or over and even then provide proper ID (she already enquired ). But she says she wants to go off to Miami (Miami Ink).

Parents should learn to say NO - that's what were here for otherwise they can't whinge about parents not understanding them. They'll appreciate us more eventually - or else. And then they'll do the same with their children. Actually I am the old dragon who says no and reads them like a book - so then they go to OH who is a pushover. And I've heard the "but so and so's mum lets them" - well I'm not so and so's mum and the answer is still no!

I am guessing that the next generation after them will be totally different and will not have piercings or tattooes.

[Space Chick]

You may be on to something there, it'll be "You want a Tattoo??? Gross!!!! My Mum and Dad have them"

 

My cousin went through a very very very strange and dark phase when he went to Uni (20 odd years ago now) and had too many piercing (eye brows, nose, tongue, cheek, several in the ears, nipples, other places - ahem!) However, when he needed to get a responsible grown op job, the piercings suddenly diminished. He is now a responsible London Buyer with a wife and 2 children and you'd never know what he used to be

 

I will embarrass him with photos when his son is grown up

[Cinnamon]

My youngest has 2 proper piercings in each ear lobe,which I don't mind,then she pierced a third one herself

Luckily it didn't infect,& I didn't notice for several weeks as she had long hair then

 

It actually looks OK now,but maybe I am just used to it