Poorly chicken

[Joojoo]

Hi

 

I know I haven't posted regularly for quite a while, so I hope you're all ok?

 

I'm still finding everything surrounding Ashley's accident and death very, very difficult to come to terms with and it's not being helped by my ex-husband aka EOH. Certainly ex for a reason!!!!! The main reason for us divorcing was because he was 100% self absorbed and didn't give a fig for anyone but himself.

 

I've not heard anything from him at all for over 8 weeks. The inquest into Ashley's accident has been held in that time and EOH knew that I was the only person who would be attending as he couldn't face it. I completely respected his decision - TBH if I had any choice in the matter, I wouldn't have gone myself (believe me it was the very last thing I would ever want to attend) but I couldn't bear the thought of the last 24 hours of Ashley's life being discussed by complete strangers. He deserved someone to be there for him. EOH hasn't even texted or phoned to ask what the verdict was or if I was ok despite knowing that I was going on my own. As far as I'm aware he doesn't even know what the outcome was.

 

I left him several messages a couple of weeks or so before the inquest which he hasn't bothered to reply to, as I needed to discuss the donations with him. I've tried and tried to talk to him about it but he won't and is just leaving everything to me. I know he's probably finding it as difficult as I am, but I really don't think it's fair that he won't help me. We were both Ashley's parents and I'm sure he would be really upset if he thought his Dad was behaving like this. I just want a little bit of support and I don't think that's too much to ask. I had to go to the Funeral Directors by myself to pay their invoice and was in pieces by the time I came out of there and the same with the inquest. I could barely walk by the time that had finished. It feels like the minute Ashley passed away, EOH's responsibility to him ended. As for the donations - thank you from the bottom of my heart to those of you who sent them. You absolutely blew me away with your kindness. Unfortunately, I still haven't forwarded them to the hospital because it should be on behalf of both of us and not just me. Aside from that, I can't bring myself to go near there to take them and I don't want to post them. I just think it's something very personal and should be done in person. I've had hospital appointments due in the last couple of months and cancelled them as I can't face setting foot in there after everything that happened. EOH may well feel the same way as I do about the hospital, but he could help me by trying to think of ways around it and, again, should I really be having to do all this on my own?

 

I've now had a phone call from the school this afternoon to say that they have bought an Ash tree and had a plaque made and are having a dedication service next Tuesday with the lovely lady vicar who conducted Ashley's service. The school need to know that the time and date are ok for us both so that they can get everything organised. Can I get hold of EOH? No!! It's got me so stressed out, I've ended up in tears again

 

On top of all that, I'm still off work, having been diagnosed with PTSD (I'm now on anti-depressants and awaiting an appointment with a psycho-therapist) because I was with Ashley when he had his accident, and while I've been off have found out that my team has been merged with another and my office and everything else moved. Oh and guess who my new Manager is going to be? EOH!!!!!! Aarrrrrgh!!!!!!! I really don't think I can take much more.

 

Sorry for my rambling rant, but I just needed to get it off my chest I feel absolutely torn apart because my beautiful, intelligent and loving son is no longer with me. I miss him so much more than I can ever tell you and the physical and mental pain of that is indescribable. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought that after each day that passes, I'm a day nearer to one day being back with him

 

edited to add: I know that I can rely on you to tell me if I'm being unreasonable x

[ClaireG]

Thinking of you Jue and sending lots of love and hugs xx

[Chicktastic]

Hi JooJoo, not much I can say to help but I hope things start looking up for you soon!! Thinking of you and sending you {{{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}} xxx

[Cinnamon]

Oh Jue,I am so sorry that things are so hard for you. I can only imagine what you must be going through.

 

Men are so often a closed book when it come to emotions - I know my husband just shut down after his sisters premature death,& I never could glean any emotion from him.Its just they way he is wired.

I suspect that in your situation he would act as your ex is,& I would probably find that as hard as you are,but he would need to just switch off & walk away

Not sure I could cope with that

 

You are in my thoughts,please carry on being as strong as you have been so far

[AJuff]

Joojoo you are doing so well to have come this far. Keep taking one day at a time and stay focused as Ashley wouldn't want you to be so upset. Forget EOH and do what you need to. You are so brave. Sending lots of {{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}.

[..lay a little egg for me]

AJuff is right. Of course you are not being unreasonable. Rant away! Everything you describe is perfectly understandable. Unfortunately, if EOH's way of dealing with the situation is to close himself off from everything, I don't think there is much you can do about it apart from what you have been doing....

 

If you can't get hold of EOH re the school thing, could you ask them to approach him separately? Just give a list of dates that are OK for you and leave it up to them to chase him?

 

Above all, you certainly need some support from somewhere. Is there no-one who could accompany you on your more difficult trips (the hospital, school etc?). A relation or close friend?

 

How much longer will you have to wait to see a therapist about the PTSD? Could you get some support via one of the bereavement support groups?

 

It is still very early days since the bereavement and it will be a long time before you can start to really come to terms with what happened, but do try to remember that one day things will start to turn upward. Just take one day at a time.

 

We are all here for you in spirit even if we can't be there in person!

 

[[[hugs]]]]

[quickcluck]

Well I think you are an incredibly brave and strong woman, to have had to endure this tragedy and still be able to put pen to paper (so to speak).

 

YOu've tried your hardest with your ex and as previously said men are very different from us and for whatever reason can't easily express themselves. But you do have to look after yourself. You've done everything you can to let him know what it going on and when. I can't imagine how hard it must be chasing round after someone when your world has just fallen apart.

 

Because you do need to look after yourself, you must do what is best for you. Let the school organise a service and go along if you feel that you can, take heart in how much the school and pupils felt for your son. If your ex chooses not to attend, he will have to deal with that in his own time. But you are what's important here.

 

Hope I haven't spoken out of turn...

 

Big hugs.

 

K

[Seagazer]

Jue, its very hard to find the words to write after you have written so lovingly of your darling son and the obvious pain you are going through.

 

My OH switched into auto gear after his Dad died suddenly so Cinnamon could be right in that its the way he is trying to cope. Not excusing him obviously as he should have been with you to go through these things together, I totally understand how upset you are because you had to do it alone. It is understandable that you are angry because of not having his support.

 

Ashley's school sounds as if they have organised a lovely memorial to him.

 

I'm so sorry and I wish I could give you a hug.

 

Ann xxx

[Space Chick]

Jue, your bravery is inspirational, and you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers every day.

 

I think the school planting an Ash tree is lovely xxx

[alih]

Joojoo,

 

I am sure I'm not alone in thinking that if I were in your position I would barely be able to put one foot in front of another and I am amazed at what you have managed to endure so far without simply sitting down and giving up.

 

As far as your ex is concerned, of course it's important to try and be understanding but I think your responsiblity towards him is limited. Of course it is important that you communicate with him about important decisions regarding your lovely boy but if he won't communicate in return then maybe that's his way of saying he can't cope.

 

Do you have it in you to be clear about what you are asking but saying that if push comes to shove you will have to take certain decisions on your own if he doesn't get back to you? It seems unfair to keep you hanging on when your assimilation of all this will take so much time anyway.

 

I think the suggestion that 3rd parties take on some of the communication a really good one, though I understand why you want to do it yourself.

 

It sounds as though school have been great so far so maybe they would be prepared to correspond with him separately? It just seems that with eveything else yo uhave to cope with that would be one less demand at a time when energy is at such a low.

 

As for donations and hospitals...you will be ready when you are ready. And it doesn't matter when that is.

Same for work and everything else. You will undoubtedly emerge from the darkness at some stage but it will be a very slow process and you mustn't feel remotely guilty about anything.

 

My thoughts are with you and I am full of admiration for your even writing this post. Take care and be kind to yourself.

 

Alison

 

 

it sounds as though you have wonderful support from

[LisaP]

Joojoo I don't really know what to say but fully support what others have already said. You have every right to be feeling the way you are at the moment - I don't know why most men can't deal with this sort of situation, my OH is just the same. You have been amazingly strong so far and I'm sure are still a lot stronger than you realise.

 

I just wish I lived nearer so I could give you a big hug - sending you one now.

 

Remember we're all here and happy to hear from you however you're feeling.

 

Thinking of you

Lisa x

[Looney]

Hi Jue, you're not being unreasonable, you are trying to deal with what must be the hardest thing in the world to deal with. I wish I could give you a proper hug and take some of the load from you There are a lot of wise words from others already and I can't add much other than to say what a wonderful lady you are and we will try to support you any way we can xxxx

[Cooks]

Jue, your bravery is inspirational, and you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers every day.

 

I think the school planting an Ash tree is lovely xxx

I second this, I think of you all the time Jue, (hug)

[Chicken Licken]

You are not being unreasonable. You just have to go step by step and day by day and do what you can do and nothing more. Big, big hugs for you and a snore from the old dog too!

[jlo]

Jue - I can't add anything more than the advice that has already been given. As others have said, you are often in my thoughts and I believe that you must be such a strong and loving person to be able to be coping with this tragedy in the way that you are. The fact that you are able to come on here and tell us all how you are feeling is amazing. I certainly don't think that you are being unreasonable at all.

 

Sending you some hugs from here as well.

[sadietoo]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all and you really could do with some support from your EOH right now. In the absence of this it seems to me that the important thing is to take things at your own pace and do what you feel you can cope with and no more. The School would of course love you to take part in their ceremony etc...but if you feel it is too much for you...or these things keep reopening your grief at a level that it is difficult to bear, then is there is some other way you could take part ? (by providing video photos or memories which could be shared for example)...your lovely son would completely understand that at the moment these things are too difficult ..as would the school. Ask your bereavement counsellor for advice and for assistance..or let a friend take over some of the mundane arrangements so you don't have to get so involved...you are not letting your son down by not making every single decision on these things...but you will let him down if you don't look after yourself. Easy for me to say I know. but I have lost someone very close to me in an accident, (my first husband aged 27) so know how devastating it is to have your life turned upside down in an instant... but to lose a child must, I feel, be the worst sort of loss of all and I can only imagine your pain.. There is no right or wrong way to deal with it...only what's right or wrong for you....Sending lots of love and big hugs. xxxxxxxxxx

[Blackrocksrock]

I think you are a very brave and outstanding mum who loved her son and you have not had a good deal from his dad - you have done really well so far and hopefully you can get it all together and make it through this rough patch. All the hugs of the day sent your way from me and take care. In time Ashleys memories will give you great strength.

[yvonne]

JooJoo

I can't begin to imagine how life has been for you since the loss of your young son and have often thought of you over the last few months. You have coped with so much alone and are more than entitled to feel life had dealt you a terrible hand.

As a total stranger, I hardly dare to presume what Ashley would say, but surely he'd hate to see you so upset, from all I've read, it seems he loved life and would want one day for you to be able to life it to the full again, but it's really very early days.

Wish I could do something to take away some of your pain.

[Joojoo]

Hi Everyone

 

Thank you ever so much for all of your kind messages, support and hugs on here and on FB. I ended up crying again when I read all of your replies.

 

I'm absolutely certain EOH is finding it very difficult and I know we all deal with things differently and in the best way that each of us can, but he certainly isn't helping at the moment. I think you're right that men in particular, find it difficult to deal with things like this and can shut themselves off, almost in denial. Our relationship never descended into hatred after we got divorced and we both remained as amicable as we could. We always put Ashley first, above everything and everyone else, but I just wish that he could try to understand how hard it is for me trying to carry on without Ashley, let alone that I'm having to sort out everything that needs to be sorted on my own. And I'm only doing the things that HAVE to be done. Everything else is having to wait.

 

Someone has suggested tonight that I phone the Chief Executive's Office at the hospital to see if they can send someone out to me regarding the donations so that's what I will do tomorrow. Time is moving swiftly on, and I'm very conscious that cheques have to be banked within 6 months so I think, ultimately, I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and do it myself without EOH's input about the cause at the hospital to which the donation is going. Hopefully that can then be done in the next few days and it means it's something less for me to worry about.

 

The school and Ashley's friends have all been absolutely wonderful. I still see the boys on a regular basis - they usually pop round once a week to see me, which is lovely. They talk about Ashley all the time and I am never in any doubt that he meant the world to them. I thought the dedication of an Ash tree at the school was a beautiful idea and I really do hope EOH will be there for his own and Ashley's sake. I will ask the school to contact him separately and hopefully they will be able to get through to him. As difficult as it will be, I'll be there come hell or high water.

 

Thank you so much for thinking of us. You've all been so kind and given me so much love and support.

 

Love & Best Wishes

Jue xx

[poachedegg]

Jue,

Can't really add to what others have said, but just wanted to know that another 'chicken freak' (!) is thinking about you and hoping you can find a way to deal with things that don't cause you so much pain as they are now.

 

The Ash Tree sounds lovely.

[cathybc]

Lovely to hear from you, but sorry to hear things are so difficult in so many ways. You are NOT being unreasonable; thinking of you lots x

[Alis girls]

i think you have to think of yourself and let ex do his own thing. Men can appear cold but grieve differently to us girls - we rant rave and sob over friends far healthier than keeping it inside. I have you a good friend who could take the money to the hospital - or bank it and send a cheque recorded delivery. Lots of love and thinking of you Ali

[Willow]

Jue - you are so brave and so good to be worrying about the donations and making sure you EOH is at the school cermony for his sake.

 

Having just read this thread I'm glad to see you have a way forward on handling the hospital donations and getting the school to contact him directly re dates.

 

I was concerned that work have put your EOH as your manager. I know you said the split was amicable but you have too much history and pain with Ashley's death for this to work well, especially for you, as he will be the person in position of power. I think you should contact HR and register concern that in the circumstances you don't think it is appropriate (and make a note of when you contacted them and what you said). I'm not an HR specialist but I'm sure there are some on this forum who can help. If you think it will be unworkable (and any reasonable person who I'm shocked they have done this) you don't have to accept it.

[fluffyknickers]

What you are feeling is totally reasonable and understandable, even getting out of bed in the morning must be almost impossible. No one, unless they have gone through the same, can understand what you must be feeling. I sadly have a couple of friends both who lost sons and for a long time they said they were not living just surviving.

 

I hope you EOH responds to the school, better idea for them to deal with him directly. Perhaps your bereavement specialist could advise you how to deal with the EOH situation.

 

What the school are doing is a lovely thought and you are so very brave in going. If you dont feel up to going maybe you could write a little note if you feel up to it for someone else to read - although I am sure they wouldnt expect anything from you and would understand.

 

I hope you get somewhere with the hospital and they can send someone out, if not then I am sure a friend or relation can do it for you. If you dont get anywhere with the CEO then try the patient liaison people or NICE/PALS - someone will sort it out for you.

 

At this time you have to do what is right for YOU and what YOU are comfortable with.

 

My thoughts are with you and think its beautiful how you write about your loving, kind and intelligent son.

Michelle

[docsquid]

Jue, we both send you our love and hugs.

 

I am so sorry you are finding it so difficult, but not at all surprised. "Ooops, word censored!"ody would want to go through what you have been through. All the advice you have been given is good - particularly about people contacting EOH directly rather than going through you all the time. I am so pleased that Ashley's friends are coming round and talking about him with you - they must be finding it hard too, so you can support each other.

 

Don't push yourself to do too much, too quickly.

 

Just remember, there are lots of people here who are supporting you and thinking of you.

 

Sarah