Sam Palmer Posted February 5, 2012 Share Posted February 5, 2012 So sorry to hear what's happened Claire. Sending you lots of hugs xxxx This is such a great place to come for advice Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seagazer Posted February 5, 2012 Share Posted February 5, 2012 I'm so sorry to hear that this has happened to you and your son Claire, sending (((hugs))). Good luck with the voluntary jobs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greyhoundgirl Posted February 5, 2012 Share Posted February 5, 2012 I'm so sorry. Just remember that when you are feeling low it's not your fault. Never blame yourself. Take one day at a time and don't make any hasty decisions. You need to work through all the emotions before moving on. You will move on, it's just at the moment it doesn't seem like it. You and the children are the most important things now. Look after yourself and them and everything else will eventually fall into place. Wine may help too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scubababe Posted February 5, 2012 Share Posted February 5, 2012 Hi Claire, I became a single parent 1 & half years ago after kicking my husband out when I found out about his affair (he was away with her when I found out!) The best advice I was given and has been said by so many is TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. It is so easy to let things slide & neglect yourself. My friends/family were amazing. You will be on what can only be described as a 'roller-coaster' ride at the moment. You will have good days and bad days. Just remember that the bad days will become less frequent and will be replaced with good days, calm days. My then 1 year old and 2 year old just thought daddy was away on a business trip again so thankfully they escaped unharmed by it. My husband and I are now reconciled, but we went through the access & separation for 6 months before we decided to try again. We did Relate which just reinforced that we have 2 different 'love languages'. It has helped us identify where our different languages are and how we can communicate better. Whether you and your husband will be able to reconcile is between the pair of you. "Ooops, word censored!"ody will be able to decide that for you. At the end of the day you must do what is best for YOU, but you MUST take care of yourself 1st inorder to make any decisions that arise in the future. ((hugs)) as you make this incredibly difficult journey. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 5, 2012 Share Posted February 5, 2012 My ex finally moved out 4 years ago - after us living apart in the same house for about 18 months - which was hell! He had had numerous affairs - and after 30 years marriage I decided he would never change!!!! I was fed up making excuses and putting up with it and basically being used! He went off to Cornwall - we're in Kent - that's close enough for me! I'd just had a major operation without his support - the day I came home I filed for divorce! My son has Aspergers Syndrome and others things, I have gone through the statementing process, and finding a suitable secondary school - including a Tribunal all on my own. He was no help and not interested in his son. He kicks off now and then, most recently when the CSA were chasing him for arrears. He threatened to take me to court for access of all things - which is a joke as he moved to Cornwall and only sees my son once a year! I felt alone and lost at first! I got support from friends and family, got chickens!!!! Have got a job I love and have my life back! 2 years ago I met a man who has changed my world and has made me smile again! Next week I get a puppy - the one I have wanted since I was about 10 years old - but my ex would never have tolerated! There is life after divorce - you just have to go out a rebuild it! Just be kind to yourself, find something you love, buy yourself flowers, or something nice to wear, see friends, go for a walk, swim, run....anything that makes your heart race and eventually your spirits will rise again! Love yourself! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valkyrie Posted February 5, 2012 Share Posted February 5, 2012 You have my number if you need to rant, let off steam, cry etc (or I can send it again - I have yours). But apart from hugs aplenty - you can have my OH if you like. I was considering selling him but . . . nah, I wouldn't wish that one on you! So back to hugs aplenty. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaireG Posted February 5, 2012 Author Share Posted February 5, 2012 Thanks Valk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TAJ Posted February 5, 2012 Share Posted February 5, 2012 You go for it girl - you are being very positive and getting out and volunteering will be a good experience. Most charities have a volunteer section on their websites, so there are lots of opportunities. Keep positive! Tracy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Duncan08 Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 Do you know, I sort of started to read your post Claire, thinking that it would be a cryptic heading. I am a terribly private person and find it so difficult to discuss my problems, even with very close friends and family. Maybe even especially close friends and family. I am not good with peoples sympathy and at first could not understand why you would lay out such heart wrenching news on a chicken forum Then as I read through the responses it made me realise exactly why. I had a really bad time about 4 years ago, Our adopted daughter, 17 yo walked out with her birth father, I was devastated, I didnt tell anyone, tried to hold it back from my parents, so they didnt worry, (although I am sure they were worried sick), and my husband had to enlist the help of my best friend behind my back, to get me out and to talk about things, even then it took me hours to actually say anything. I didnt sleep for about 6 weeks and hit the wine, (don't hit the wine, that I do know really doesn't help). Everyone has been so supportive, even if they dont have any practical advice, that it just brings a lump to your throat. You are all so thoughtful, considerate and supportive, I wish I had been a member all those years ago, (mind you I still probably wouldn't have said anything ) I still don't talk about it now. You make friends in strange places, that you may never meet in person, but I am very glad to have met you all online. I am sure that things will get a little better everyday Claire, my best advice is stay off the wine and keep a clear head, and I will come back and check you are doing OK. Thanks everyone, Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mum Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 Good advice, Sue about the wine ... much healthier in the long run to stick to a whine! There are no solutions at the bottom of a bottle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaireG Posted February 6, 2012 Author Share Posted February 6, 2012 No wine here. I am diabetic so don't drink anymore. Today has been another bad day I stupidly went snooping and found some info i didn't like. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mum Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 No wine here. I am diabetic so don't drink anymore. Today has been another bad day I stupidly went snooping and found some info i didn't like. Oh dear :( Burn it!! ((hugs)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valkyrie Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 Like I said Claire - any time - and glad you did. xxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 One more tip!!! SLEEP - as much as you can wherever you can! It helped me! Everything seems worse when you are constantly tired and stressed out! xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seagazer Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 No wine here. I am diabetic so don't drink anymore. Today has been another bad day I stupidly went snooping and found some info i didn't like. Oh dear :( Burn it!! ((hugs)) I agree with mum - burn it. Sending big (((hugs))). I'm sure you will have a mix of good and bad days. I know it took my mum a long time to get over my dad leaving, but to be honest I think it was the best thing for her. She does get lonely but she's done more in the 20 odd years since he's left than she would have done if he'd stayed. I think he would have driven her doolally if he hadn't gone. Sue (Duncan) - sometimes the fact that a person can remain anonymous on here if they want to (I've met up with a couple of members) can be good. You can get things down and off your chest without the risk of hurting friends or family. I hope your situation is better now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adelochick Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 Hi again ClaireG, I know just what you mean about "snooping" and finding out some things you don't like! But to be honest being curious about what he's done/doing is just another 'hurt' to add to the growing list, and you really do not need to do this to yourself. Take courage, you are above this and worth so much more. Hopefully your son has friends he can talk to about things that are worrying him, so that he also has good days too. I know that my children confide in friends at times, and although it does upset me to think that they don't feel they can discuss some things with us, I am grateful that they have supportive friends. As you are diabetic, it is especially important that you really do take care of your health and eat properly. So no skipping meals, and being rather old-fashioned I like meal-times for the conversations we have together as a family (with three children aged 17, 15 and 12). It's very early days for you and your son, so just take things slowly, one day at a time, don't dwell too much on the 'bad days' as you will have good ones too. Try to arrange something nice for you and your son to do together, as it'll be something to look forward to. Thinking of you, sending a big hug, Julie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TutuTallulah Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 Hi Claire, Just wanted to say how brave you are for posting on here, and what fantastic support you have had from the omleteers. I'm in kind of a similar situation, I found out my partner was having an affair on New Years Day. My partner had long term problems with depression and anxiety, treatment from gp over the last 15 years hadnt helped much so decided to see a hypnotherapist / psychtherapist which I helped my partner to do by finding one online, driving to appointments etc. My partner then repaid me by having an affair with her. As far as I know the affair is continuing, I had to leave the house as it belongs to my partner. Just over a month ago I thought my life was perfect, now I find myself alone in an apartment. I have no family except a sister who I am not close to. I do have a daughter who lives away from home who is being very very supportive, but nights are lonely. I have my own business, I have no idea how I have kept it going during this time but no work means no roof. So I have read the replies to your post and have taken some support for myself (I hope you don't mind!). I know it will get easier, I hope you do too, I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it better for us both. I have made an appointment with my gp as I dont think I have slept more than a couple of hours a night since all this came out. I totally agree with others not to make any rash decisions, I have had the opportunity to close my business and take a good job miles away to make a new start but have decided to try and stand on my own two feet and keep my business going - I don't think I'm fit to work for anyone else at the moment anyway. At the moment I am trying to be kind to myself and hope you can do the same. I dont put any pressure on myself and take one day at a time. It's very tough at the moment but I'm sure we'll come through it. Didnt someone once say whatever doesnt kill you makes you stronger? And if my partner snoops on Omlet and reads this - in the long term you'll have done me a favour, I hope she's worth throwing away the last 15 years of you're life for. Tutu x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 My word! I'd be inclined to report her to her professional body! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adelochick Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 Hello Tutu, Just wanted to say that I think you are wise in not taking up the "good job" you had been offered but in sticking with your own business, as too many changes at the same time would make your experience of trying to rebuild your life even more difficult. I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation, but like ClaireG take things one day at a time, try not to dwell on the 'bad days', look after yourself and with the encouragement of your daughter (and friends) you will hopefully have more good days ahead. Sending you hugs, Julie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaireG Posted February 7, 2012 Author Share Posted February 7, 2012 Sending hugs to all that have gone through/are going through this. I ended up pranging my neighbors car yesterday Was a mixture of tiredness, emotions and ice. S came over as he could tell i was a mess. We talked for ages about stuff that should have been talked about years ago and are still talking via text etc. He is coming over again Thursday evening to talk some more and see our son. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adelochick Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 I am sure that quite a few cars have been pranged in this icy/snowy weather ClaireG so try not to worry too much about it. I'm sure your neighbour will be understanding in the circumstances. Glad you have been able to talk to S, it will help I'm sure however things turn out for you all (especially if things are amicable). Take care, J x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chickendoodle Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 My first husband left me when my girls were 2 and 5 months and moved in with his best friend's wife. Although this happened in 1988, whenever I think about it (which actually is not too often these days) the hurt is still quite raw. The strangest feeling I had was guilt. It seems totally irrational in retrospect but I vividly remember thinking - "what must people think of me, that I am so awful that he could even think about leaving his lovely children" Of course what they were actually thinking was what an absolute *&X!!** to leave his wife and 2 babies. Don't let guilt overwhelm you. As others have said on here it is a bereavement but with the added hurt that he has chosen to leave. The first 6 months were rough, I could not believe that it had happened - we had been together since I was 16, had 2 beautiful children and I thought everything was lovely. What I now think is that my OH did not want to come 3rd behind the girls. His new partner (who he later married) also had a husband and 3 children but she would always put my OH first above her children. He is still not interested in the girls - does them lip service but nothing more. I absolutely adored my in-laws and I know they were very fond of me. We kept up a very good relationship - they even came to stay with me and my new OH and I made sure that they saw a lot of their grandaughters. This is a side of marriage breakdown that is not often thought about. My OH was never one to bother about keeping up with the family - it was always me who made the phone calls, remembered birthdays etc and I think that if I hadn't kept on seeing them (it was no effort, I enjoyed their company) they would have only seen the girls twice in all their childhood, as that is the number of times my OH brought them together. Not sure if this is relevant to your situation but is something worth bearing in mind - grandparents suffer from marriage breakdown as well. I found that after about 6 months the crushing sadness was gone and after about a year I was coping pretty well on my own. I then met my lovely new OH when my girls were 2 and 4 and we have now been together 23 years. I know that I can cope on my own which is a positive thing to have come out of my divorce. My OH is 13 years older than me and I will probably have to face being on my own again ultimately. I know that I will be OK. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iar fach goch Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 Have not been on here for a while, but read your message and had to let you know that I'm thinking of you and hoping that you are ok. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through, have no real advice to offer, just please look after yourself. As others have said, have plenty of sleep and make sure you eat properly. And as you have seen from other people's posts, there is always someone here to listen and offer support. Take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mum Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 My word! I'd be inclined to report her to her professional body! Absolutely!!! Ditto; ditto; ditto!!! Chickendoodle - how absolutely wonderful that you maintained a fruitful and beneficial relationship with your ex in-laws! That must have helped your children enormously - one less stress/strain/emotional estrangement to contend with. I think that is superb and a credit to both you and them!! ClaireG - I'm sort of glad that S is still responding responsibly towards you and your son; I would caution you that this may not last. The primary thing is that he is there for his son (too often once a relationship breaks down the only "solution" for the departing party is to abandon the child/ren because it means less guilt/emotion to deal with when it comes to the ex. By that same token, sometimes, not often, but certainly sometimes, when a partner makes that leap to leave, it can be a shock how much they miss what they had and they still hanker for it. I'm hoping your husband is the "responsible" sort as opposed to the emotionally confused sort. I would say: keep all communications open - but that does not mean you open yourself up to all communications; in other words, do try to keep an open communication, but beware wearing your heart on your sleeve - if you see what I mean? Often, in the short term, when a relationship with children breaks down, the focus is very much on the me/you/we equation. Most often the very (VERY!) long term implications are not considered. For example, you deal with the here and now yet often over look the most obvious. You are both, first and foremost, parents. Seperation, divorce does not (and really should not) be forgotten. A time will come when your child/ren get married/have children/have health issues/etc., and need *both* of their parents by their side. Time cementing that communication/comfort zone in the early stages is crucial to the longer term scenarios. The real difficulty is seperating the two issues: is this contact for me? Or, is this contact for the child/ren? It's an important point Best of luck on Thursday! I don't know what is in your dh's head (or yours!) but I do so hope it is a positive outcome - for the longer term issues regarding your son xMx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaireG Posted February 7, 2012 Author Share Posted February 7, 2012 Thanks again everyone The one thing i do know is that S would never abandon our son. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
