Mercedes55 Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 My first husband left me when my girls were 2 and 5 months and moved in with his best friend's wife. Although this happened in 1988, whenever I think about it (which actually is not too often these days) the hurt is still quite raw. The strangest feeling I had was guilt. It seems totally irrational in retrospect but I vividly remember thinking - "what must people think of me, that I am so awful that he could even think about leaving his lovely children" Of course what they were actually thinking was what an absolute *&X!!** to leave his wife and 2 babies. Don't let guilt overwhelm you. As others have said on here it is a bereavement but with the added hurt that he has chosen to leave. The first 6 months were rough, I could not believe that it had happened - we had been together since I was 16, had 2 beautiful children and I thought everything was lovely. What I now think is that my OH did not want to come 3rd behind the girls. His new partner (who he later married) also had a husband and 3 children but she would always put my OH first above her children. He is still not interested in the girls - does them lip service but nothing more. I absolutely adored my in-laws and I know they were very fond of me. We kept up a very good relationship - they even came to stay with me and my new OH and I made sure that they saw a lot of their grandaughters. This is a side of marriage breakdown that is not often thought about. My OH was never one to bother about keeping up with the family - it was always me who made the phone calls, remembered birthdays etc and I think that if I hadn't kept on seeing them (it was no effort, I enjoyed their company) they would have only seen the girls twice in all their childhood, as that is the number of times my OH brought them together. Not sure if this is relevant to your situation but is something worth bearing in mind - grandparents suffer from marriage breakdown as well. I found that after about 6 months the crushing sadness was gone and after about a year I was coping pretty well on my own. I then met my lovely new OH when my girls were 2 and 4 and we have now been together 23 years. I know that I can cope on my own which is a positive thing to have come out of my divorce. My OH is 13 years older than me and I will probably have to face being on my own again ultimately. I know that I will be OK. I can so relate to your post Chickendoodle. My ex left me back in 1987 and although I don't think about what happened that often, when I do it's still painful and raw and quite honestly I still have feelings of what I can only call hate towards the woman my husband went off with. I know it's irrational to be like that as my ex was the one who was married, but the women he left me for knew he was married and knew he had a child, but it didn't stop either of them. I think I cried every day for a year as I found it so hard to come to terms with. He had been having an affair for over 2yrs and all of our friends knew, which made me feel even worse. My son was 9 at the time and is now 34. Even though my ex did keep up contact and was very good about providing for us financially, my son chooses to not have a relationship with his dad, especially after we found out he had 2 children with his gf that we knew nothing about I have always kept in touch with my ex in laws and my son goes to visit his grandmother regularly as he now has his own child and realises that just because his father walked out it wasn't the fault of the grandparents. I often think men can be so flipping weak. I don't want to generalise but it does seem that most men can't leave a relationship until they have another one to go to. Women I think tend to be able to cope better emotionally on their own, possibly because we usually have more emotional support from friends than men do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chickendoodle Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 What I can never understand is that at some point in the emerging "other relationship" you have to make a conscious decision to take it further. I know that if I started to develop feelings for someone else (which I can never imagine by the way) I would stop being in the situation where I was seeing him. I absolutely do not believe in the excuse that "it was greater than than both of us". There is always a point at which you can call a halt (if you want to) That makes it more hurtful I think. It will get better Claire but it is the thing in my life that has hurt me the most. I was devastated when I lost my parents but now 7 years on I look back at them with nice thoughts. I cannot look back on my first marriage of 9 years (which I know was happy) without the horrible events of the end of the marriage tainting every memory. My first husband is still married to "the other woman". It has not been a particularly happy marriage and has nearly ended quite a few times. I would say he bitterly regrets what happened. I know that my Mum looked on it as "what goes around comes around" and he deserved everything he got but I would much rather he had been happy as it seems like such a waste. I am very happy with my new - well 22 years new - OH and I got a great deal of satisfaction when I went to my wonderful ex MIL's funeral and had so many people talking to me and saying how nice it was to see me and ignoring HER. My ex SIL wrote the eulogy and included in it a poem my MIL had written about the time they came and stayed with us. My children and I felt so included. Sorry Claire, I hope I am not making this too much about me but I don't know how to help other than by telling you my experience. It is and will be horrible but there is light at the end and you have the chance that your life might take a completely unexpected turn. Don't let bitterness get to you as it is very destructive. Please do move on eventually- I have a friend who has been divorced for 20 years and all she does is talk about her ex all the time. She cannot move on from her love for him and will not let anyone else in. From my experience the deep love I had for my ex died after a year or so as love is a 2 way thing. There came a point whan I knew I wouldn't have him back and if I was meeting him for the first time I wouldn't like him very much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaireG Posted February 8, 2012 Author Share Posted February 8, 2012 No thanks for sharing it does really help There was something with another woman, that's what i found out when i went looking. It wasn't a affair though. I have spoken to him, her and a friend of all 3 of us who i know wouldn't lie to me and the other woman us now in a relationship with someone else. We are still talking and he is unclear of what he really wants. So i'm a bit in limbo at the moment. Talking has to be good though whatever the outcome, right?! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Yes, keep talking if you can - it's good that he's open to discussion. As I say to Rosie when a friend goes off on one...if you love them enough then let them go; if it was meant to be then they will come back, if it wasn't then they will know that you love them and you will have acted with decorum. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mum Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 ..... We are still talking and he is unclear of what he really wants. So i'm a bit in limbo at the moment. Talking has to be good though whatever the outcome, right?! Oh yes, talking is the very best!! Especially as you mentioned earlier this is the first time you've both really talked for a long while. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AJuff Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 I think all the advice and support you have been given has been tremendous. I am so sad to hear things are tough. Time is a great healer. Do take care. Sending you (((((HUGS))))))). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goodinparts Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 Coming late to this, but wanted to add to the treasury of hugs & good wishes/prayers that have headed your way. No wise advice, I'm afraid, but I'm so glad you are managing to talk to your husband a bit & that you are feeling a bit more positive too. I'll light a candle for you and your son later on Take care xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mum Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 How did it go on Thursday? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaireG Posted February 12, 2012 Author Share Posted February 12, 2012 Coming late to this, but wanted to add to the treasury of hugs & good wishes/prayers that have headed your way.No wise advice, I'm afraid, but I'm so glad you are managing to talk to your husband a bit & that you are feeling a bit more positive too. I'll light a candle for you and your son later on Take care xx Thanks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaireG Posted February 12, 2012 Author Share Posted February 12, 2012 How did it go on Thursday? Thursday went well thanks, a lot more talking etc. I took my son over to his parents yesterday so he could see his Dad and Grandparents. MIL then looked after our son for us and we went out for something to eat and more chat. He is still undecided, so i am still in limbo. However , i'm hopefully it won't be too much longer before i know one way or the other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mum Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 Very well done to you for your fortitude! Fingers X'd for you Claire - that you find inside yourself what you desire most and find the courage to be assertive in achieving it xxMxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LolaLayla Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 Still thinking about you and wishing you well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scubababe Posted February 14, 2012 Share Posted February 14, 2012 ((hugs)) Claire. It is all sounding quite positive. Talking is GREAT. Even if you decide not to reconcile it will make things so much easier than having knives out every time you see each other. Once the initial shock of my separation had subsided & I started to look after myself I felt soo much better about things and could cope more...whatever the outcome would be. Please remember that Rome wasn't built in a day and rebuilding a relationship will take time. There are wounds that will need time to heal and the best will in the world they will leave scars!! It's been 14 months since we started again & I still have the odd wobble... Everyone is different and everyone will deal/see things differently. Take every day as it comes. I wrote things down as well. My journal was journey and in it I would rant, sob, congratulate myself...everything. It helped me to get things out and keep a perspective on things. ((hugs)) honey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaireG Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 He is back We've decided to try again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plum Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 All the best Claire, hope it works out for you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lewis Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Hope it works out for you all Claire x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groovychook Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Best wishes to you, I hope that things work out for you xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freddie Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Bless you, and good on you both, it'll be hard work, but worth the trying. Send him our best too, as he needs it as well... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Good news, hope you can sort things out . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charlottechicken Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Good luck, I hope it works out Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Looney Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Good luck from me too xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Good luck, take things slowly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluekarin Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 I hope it's good news and works out for the best for both of you (hugs) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chook n Boo Mum Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Hope it all goes well Claire.....(hugs) xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
