Chook n Boo Mum Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 Claire, I'm so sorry hunny ........all the advice has been good, I can add no more, except you MUST MUST MUST look after yourself and eat properly......the last thing you and A need is for you to be taken ill! A will calm down, he's scared & angry and you are closest and easiest to lash out at...... Big {{{{{{hugs}}}}}} to you both xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadietoo Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 Can't add to the excellent advice others have already given you.. Just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear your sad news and sending hugs too ... this time too will pass....xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mum Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 Things have been difficult for awhile now but I really thought things were better between us but obviously not.It turns out that instead of staying in a hotel, like i thought on Weds night, he was actually at his parents asking if he could move back in with them. He only came back here yesterday as his Mum told him he had to. He was going to end everything over the phone. He told me when my son was at Cadets last night. He says he hasn't been happy for years but things are getting worse. The reason he sorted the house out,painting etc, getting my son new furniture, sorting the new old car for me was all a lead up to enable him to go. He wants my son and me to still live here, he will pay rent and bills etc. At the moment i don't know if i want that. I don't think i want to live here anymore as this place holds a lot of memories. I feel so alone and am so scared. My son spent half of last night on my bedroom floor and then got fed up of my crying so went to his room. He was pretty horrid to me this morning when he was getting ready for school and my husband was getting ready to walk out. I have spent most of last night and today crying and throwing up. Those of you that have been through this, how did you get through practically etc in those first few days, weeks and months. I did post on FB and a few of replied but i decided to delete my post as my family don't know yet. What a dreadful shock for you and your son ((hugs)) On the one hand, he has tried to do the decent thing by you both - not that it makes it right (!) - but it does send out the message that he actually doesn't want to hurt you more than it is already going to do. Not sure how old your son is, but, if he attends Cadets, I'm guessing teen and probably hormonal at that. He isn't angry with you per se - he is in as much shock as you are and clearly this has upset him jsut as deeply. Seeing Mum sobbing and unconsolable isn't something teen boys are good at I'm sorry to say. For the time being, your dh is going to pay the bills and rent. Do let him, because the time will come when he won't and now is not the time to turn things upside down any more than you have to. How did I get through? Well first, my circumstances were slightly different, my ex walked out 2 weeks after my mother died, never paid a penny, left me to tell the children/pick up the pieces and re-shuffle finances to fit my part time wage (and to top it all, was made redundant a few months later ). Getting through the initial days were coped with on an hour by hour basis; on really bad days, it was a minute by minute process! Just as with grieving for someone who has died, there are going to be stages which you will go through: shock, disbelief, despair, panic, anger and finally, acceptance. Trouble is, when your spouse leaves you, unlike with a bereavement, you still have the potential to bump into them when you least expect it; the times where, as parents, you have to present a united front (e.g. over your son's discipline - especially teens! - parents evening etc). First, you have to give yourself permission to be upset (that's a no brainer!); second, as a mother, you need to consider your son's feelings and try, as best as you can, not to be upset in front of him, and resist the temptation to be negative about his dad either in front of him, or to him! Now, that is very difficult when you are hurting; but, it is vital - he is and will always be your son's father. It is imperative that you do not, by deed, word or action do anything which could be misinterpreted as dividing your son's loyalties between you; he has to formulate his own opinions in his own time and he has the right to love, like, dislike either or both parents if he so chooses. This is not his problem, but he is affected by it. He will need assurances that you both still love him, it's not his fault, that his lifestyle will not drastically change to his detriment and that you will both do the very best you can to give him the love, security and opportunites that you (together) have always done. In the first few days of the shell shock, do not make any big decisions; do not look for "if's, but's maybe's" - it won't help. If you can keep busy with housework/work/gardening, anything physical - not only will it help you to sleep, but it will stop you brooding on the issues. To cope with not burdening your son (as the nearest person to talk to - which is quite a natural repsonse) grab yourself a journal, exercise book, sheets of toilet paper if need be, this is going to be the vehicle for your sanity! Why? Because when you feel sad, or angry, or despairing, or raging or confused and disillusioned that journal is where you are going to pour out your thoughts, feelings, vents, anguish, confusions, uncertainties, anger ... but, it is also a tool to express and organise your disorganised thoughts and feelings. Give it free reign - no one is going to see it but you! The only promise you have to make with that journal is this: at the end of each day, no matter how tough it has been to struggle through, you make a promise that after writing furiously, at the very end, you will write just 3 things that you are grateful for that day. It might be as small and simple as "I heard a blackbird singing in the trees", it may be quite significant as, "The rent is uptodate". Trust me on this one - it will save your sanity (and your heart, in the long run). After the intial stages, when your energy is spent, the dust begins to settle on the reality of the situation, time to face talking to your husband about practical issues (what does he want from the house, his belongings; arrangements on how he will pay the rent/bills; arrangements on how often, where and how long he will see his son for. Above all, remember this: this is your husband's decision. He is doing what he believes is right for him. It is not your "fault" nor is it your son's fault. It happens. You must, must, must be gentle with yourself. It may not feel like it right now, but, my day of "awakening" came when I realised that, I didn't have to watch the "Ooops, word censored!"py TV that my husband watched; I didn't have to eat foods that he liked anymore, I could have the foods *I* liked (he liked bland, I like spicy) .... all the things you relinquished as an individual to be a wife who wanted to satisfy your husband can be yours once again But, you are not at that stage ... yet! You will be when the shock wears off - that much I promise you!!! You've made a very, very brave step in opening your heart on here to seek advice (I'm glad you removed your FB entry where people know you personally - it's "Ooops, word censored!"odies business but your own right now; wait until you are stronger before you face "the public" ). I do hope you find some of the advice from posters useful - anything not useful, disregard. You will *not* get over this; but, you *will* get through this!! Holding you in my heart ((hugs)) xMx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparkysmum Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 Claire, just wanted to say how sorry I am this has happened to you and also what excellent words of wisdom from Mum and Witch Hazel. The only thing I would add and it has also been alluded to is that if it is at all possible, and I know it must be really hard, is that you try not to let your laddie see you upset. He will then go into " I must protect Mum" mode and thats all wrong for a teenager who still need looking after themselves. Thinking of you in the days, weeks and months to come. Alli x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheeky Chooky Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 Just wanted to say how much I feel for you and just to echo all the fantastic advice you've already been given in these posts...particularly Mum's post. Like many others who've responded, I've also been through a few major traumas in my life but things do get better and you will get through this, honest Take care of yourself and just take a day at a time *hug* x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patsylabrador Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 I've not known what to say all day but I have been thinking about you. Rough times. Good luck for the future. I think of this forum as a sort of comfort blanket. Take care. x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigmommasally Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 Claire, I'm so sorry for you and your son. Just want to give you a big hug x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plum Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 Big hugs from me Claire xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluekarin Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 I just want to say, having not been in this situation, the advice given already sounds very good, and I would take it. I particularly like Mum's advice. I have been thinking of you all day too after seeing your FB post (((hugs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newcountrygirl Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 So sorry - but be brave and be strong. You will do it. I was with my ex for 22 years when he suddenly announced he wasnt happy and didnt think he wanted to be married any more. I had put up with allsorts even the fact that he refused to have sex for 10 years - but he finally left. I was devastated but my friends and family got me through it. Some time after i went on a night out with work colleagues and bumped into someone i went out with in my teens and hadnt seen for 25 years. We started seeing each other and finally got married. I can honestly say i have never been happier. I still see my ex at family events and when my hubby was seriously ill in hospital he reguarly took me to hospital or brought me home. He has a new partner now and we are on good terms. Just be there for your son - he is hurting and the only thing he can do is lash out at you but it will get better. Big hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickencam Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 Thinking of you, take one day at a time for now, don't panic about the future. ((((hugs)))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missuscluck Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 Claire Hun, I'm so sorry. I haven't really got any advice for you other than to echo what others have said that you must look after yourself and make sure you eat. Take care. Hugs from me too x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adelochick Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 My heart goes out to you ClaireG, life can be so shocking at times. Unlike a bereavement where you have no choice in the matter, when your husband leaves you the sense of rejection is almost soul-destroying (from personal experience he chose someone else, and also had obviously been planning it for some time on looking back at events in our life!). It is something that you never do get over, but the passage of time does deaden the feelings, and now 25 years later I realise he did me a favour (you could almost say character-building, as I'm a much stronger person than I ever thought). The post from Mum gives some really good advice. I found it very cathartic to write my thoughts and feelings down, as there is a lot of stuff going around in your head that you aren't necessarily able to say out loud to someone, even to good friends. Relate also helped me get things into perspective, and I went to these meetings on my own. Your son is obviously hurt too, and probably lashing out at you because he knows how much you love him, so hopes you'll not condemn him for his behaviour. It is so much more difficult when a relationship breaks down where children are involved, but just take one day at a time, allow yourself time to think through this shocking situation you now find yourselves to be in, the grieving process can be long but just allow it to happen. Don't make any decisions yet, you need to just look after you and your son for now, until you feel able to tackle things in the future. My thoughts and prayers are with you ClaireG, sending lots of hugs. Take care, Julie xx. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LisaP Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 I can't really add to the excellent advice already given, I just wanted to say I am so sorry, will be thinking of you and sending you ((hugs)). Lisa P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
millie Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 Always think that there is someone worse off than you, thats what kept me goin,g and my YS at the time. I was pregnant with my husbands child, ended up in a womens refuge for 22weeks, lost my house (was reposessed) hubbie got in contact with YS dad (dad, ha ha) so he took me throught the courts while i was pregnant, with the hearing for access which he did'nt want, and thank god didnt get when DD was 3mts. Also had divorce going on during pregnancy. Had to take new baby back to refugue for 6 weeks, living with all types of people, plus police searchs through my posessions because of what others were up to. No money, no job, friends miles away. Family even further. You'll get through it. All i will say is, if you need to dont put off going to seek help from your GP. I was fine thank god, but there is no shame asking for help from whatever source. Good luck.xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisP Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 Speaking as someone who had this happen to them a few years ago as a teen, I'm sure your son didn't mean anything he's said. He probably is very upset as well, especially if it has come out of the blue, and it's always easiest to shout out at the people you care about most. He may find it hard for a while; is he at school/sixth form? I was a right madam at the time when my parents first split up and eventually I asked to see my school counselor and that helped me immensely. Is that worth a thought? I'm so sorry this has happened. Have you got a sports club or any other kind of club nearby that you could join to keep you busy? One of the most important things (in my opinion) is that you should allow yourself to be upset, there's absolutely nothing wring with that, but then try to carry on. You won't stop feeling upset for a while, but it will make you feel better in the long run if you can carry on with your day to day doings. Once again, I'm so sorry to hear this, remember you have friends who will listen to you, and you are always welcome on here to chat x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angie Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 So sorry to hear the sad news. ....I think i had two days of feeling very sorry for myself and angry, lots of crying if i remember correctly. The first thing i did was see a solicitor, then went for a walk to the benefits office. I had to know where i stood legally and financially. Things are a lot different now, compared to 30 yrs ago. I needed to know how i stood for the mortgage and bills, if i was entitled to any income support or anything really. Fore warned is fore armed . He wanted things to be settled quickly, i agreed . He the contested it all and fought it for nearly 3 years, he made my life hell. I lost the house in the end, he refused to pay the mortgage, so the courts decreed it was best to sell as he wouldn't sign it into my name ( in the days before joint mortgages) He preferred to see his children loose everything to hurt me, but i never gave in to it all, i fought him right to the end. It is hard, but we are women and we are made of very stern stuff, trust me you will amaze yourself. We are here for support . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaireG Posted February 4, 2012 Author Share Posted February 4, 2012 Thank you everyone Today is a much better day. I am trying to focus on positives etc and am writing feelings down which helps a lot. My son is also calmer today and has said he knows both of us love him and that he didn't do anything wrong. He is 12 and has dyspraxia/dyslexia. I am going to email his school tutor and also his support worker so they can keep an eye at school. I have also decided that i'd like to look for a small part time job or some voluntary work so that i can meet local people and have something to keep me busy. I have been through similar before so know that i can and will survive and will come out a stronger person in the long run. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mum Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 Thank you everyone Today is a much better day. I am trying to focus on positives etc and am writing feelings down which helps a lot. My son is also calmer today and has said he knows both of us love him and that he didn't do anything wrong. He is 12 and has dyspraxia/dyslexia. I am going to email his school tutor and also his support worker so they can keep an eye at school. I have also decided that i'd like to look for a small part time job or some voluntary work so that i can meet local people and have something to keep me busy. I have been through similar before so know that i can and will survive and will come out a stronger person in the long run. So pleased to see your post Claire! Good idea re: son's tutor and support worker - that is a wonderful way of adding additional support for your son's specific needs. I'm also relieved to read that he is secure in the love that you both have for him and understands he is in no way responsible (sometimes, this can be hard to judge; but, you're his Mum and know him best and it does appear you understand him, his feelings and his perceptions well). May I suggest, just for the time being at least, go the voluntary work route. Why do I say that? Well, it's twofold: on the one hand, while you are still in a flux, voluntary work won't be as demanding/unforgiving as paid employment might be; secondly, it will be a huge confidence booster, look fab on your CV and will be the most personally rewarding of the two options. There is a 3rd element too: paid employment is far harder to come by in this economic climate and any rejections in that department is demoralising for those with even the highest sense of self-confidence, let alone someone who has just had a very recent shock. I'm so pleased you are having an "up" day today and long may it continue. We're here for both the up days and the down days Keep writing!! (Journal for privacy; here for support). ((hugs)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy-Mama Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 Just wanted to add more hugs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paola Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 Thank you everyone Today is a much better day. I am trying to focus on positives etc and am writing feelings down which helps a lot. My son is also calmer today and has said he knows both of us love him and that he didn't do anything wrong. He is 12 and has dyspraxia/dyslexia. I am going to email his school tutor and also his support worker so they can keep an eye at school. I have also decided that i'd like to look for a small part time job or some voluntary work so that i can meet local people and have something to keep me busy. I have been through similar before so know that i can and will survive and will come out a stronger person in the long run. Really, really pleased to hear this Claire I found out last May (knew something was off for some time and snooped on his facebook account) that my husband was having an affair and didn't want to be with me anymore. I was living in Singapore at the time. Long story short, I returned to the UK in July with the kids. He still lives and works in Singapore but wants to return to the UK to live. Its been a long tough emotional road but I am through it and loads happier then when I was with my husband. The kids have adjusted really quickly and really well. My friends have been fantastic and I could never have gotten through it without them. I found the evenings being on my own the hardest at first but soon adjusted. I do two mornings a week volunteering for the Riding for the Disabled Association and absolutely love it. Hang in there xoxox Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luvachicken Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 I'm sorry to read about your sad story, but really pleased you sound much more positive today. I hope things work out for you and that a little job comes your way. Sending you big hugs and my bestest wishes xxxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaireG Posted February 4, 2012 Author Share Posted February 4, 2012 I found a site that advertise volunteer jobs and have applied for 3! One is working in a local hospice cafe, another is a weekly lunch club for the elderly and the last is listening to children read in school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mercedes55 Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 I'm so sorry this has happened to you and your son and like many others on here have been through it all too. Can't really add more than has already been said, but honestly it does get better, even though at the time you don't think you will ever feel happy again. You certainly sound a lot more positive today and that is a good start. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheeky Chooky Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 Glad you've been feeling a bit brighter today Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
