Chicken bald back

[Busybird]

Thanks to all those who offered such positive support and advice when I posted about this a few weeks ago. Tonight was the night when I had to 'go out to dinner' with my in laws for their Golden Wedding Anniversary.

 

We all went in the end - as I guess we always had to - me, OH and the 3 kids. I took a bag of books for my kids and asked OH to make sure we sat together. It didn't quite work out. I ended up right at the end of the table opposite SIL and FIL and beside MIL with my kids at the other end with SIL's. I hadn't eaten in 36 hours (too stressed) so wine was not an option - I struggled to eat.

 

Anyway, SIL spent the evening having a go at me. She and MIL said hello, looked at what I was wearing and suggested I could get 'colour checked'. When DS2 took out his book between courses she complained that he was not talking to her DS (then FIL started making totally inappropriate and co"Ooops, word censored!" comments about what he might really be looking at in his book ). Thankfully I don't think he understood (he is 11)

 

By the end of the evening SIL's kids were running in and out of the restaurant, banging the door, being noisy - even OH was embarrassed but not SIL. My kids did me proud, sat at the table reading or talking to their cousins (the other adults practically ignored them) but it was an awful evening.

 

I went, I got through it calmly and politely but I feel shattered and a bit tearful. OH still doesn't understand why I was dreading it so much. He has let me down over this. I think that will be the hardest thing to get over

[Couperwife]

oh ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

 

you did brilliantly, as did your kids

 

I think, I would just move on and forget the evening now, If any occur in the future, I might say "but you were horrified at the other childrens behaviour in the restaurant" or " you were embarrassed last time we went out with them, why do you want to do it again"

put the ball in his court,

 

but, again, its over!!!

 

cathy

x

[BeckyBoo]

Blimey mate, what a nightmare. But it's over now. You sound like you need to sleep, eat and relax, not necessarily in that order. It's hard when you feel let down but it's his family and although, in my opinion, his loyalty should be to you and the children, he's bound to be torn. At least it sounds like you guys did yourselves proud, you can hold your head high and walk away having done the right thing.

It's done now. You don't have to do it again, like I said, get some food inside you, get a good nights sleep, be nice to yourself tomorrow and try and put it behind you.

 

Families = nightmare.

 

BeckyBoo

[Joojoo]

So sorry to hear that it was pretty much as you thought it would be. Hopefully after a good nights' sleep (pretty certain you must be emotionally exhausted) you will feel a little bit better about it safe in the knowledge that you tried your best PLUS you must be so very proud of your children Well done you and them

 

Fingers crossed that it's an experience that you won't have to go through again for a long time.

 

Big Hugs from herexx

[Chook n Boo Mum]

What a relief that's over, well done you & the children for doing your side of the family proud

 

You knew it wouldn't be easy, but you did all the right things...attended, took all the children, made an effort, and weren't rude to the ignorant in-laws despite their goading:wink:

 

The lack of sleep and food will have you feeling worse, have a snack & go to bed, hopefully tomorrow will see you feeling much better and your OH will have seen enough of his families bad manners to understand why you feel the way you do .....sometimes it takes a long time for the apron strings to actually break & the blinkers come off about their own family

 

Is he still taking SIL to the airport? Can you sort it that the car won't start.......

 

Huge {{hugs}} BB, you deserve them

 

Sha x

[Joojoo]

Is he still taking SIL to the airport? Can you sort it that the car won't start.......

 

I believe sugar in the petrol tank is quite effective though if it's your car you will want something more easily repaired

[Willow]

Good to hear it's over and you got through it ok - well done.

 

You need a nice relaxing day tomorrow I think

[Snowy]

Well done for getting through it and rising above it. Your kids did you proud! xx

[Space Chick]

Well done you and your children. You can relax now its over

[Seagazer]

Oh that is a shame that the in-laws behaved that way but as the others have said at least its done now and you and your children obviously have shown them what nice people are supposed to act like.

 

Sending you big {{{{{hugs}}}}} and well done to your kids for behaving.

[Olly]

Well done on getting through it. You can walk away with your dignity intact which is the most important thing - you turned up, the children behaved impeccably, you didn't rise to the bait and the Golden Wedding dinner wasn't ruined by rows or tantrums (except perhaps by SILs children). That's the main thing - it could after all have been far worse!

 

Hope you can have a relaxing Sunday and that you can put it all behind you now and look forward.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Well done for making it through the evening intact . If nothing else, it shows that you were spot on in your assessment of what might happen, ie SIL's kids behaving badly and you being put down. Your wonderful children did you proud and it's a bonus that your OH was embarrassed by his sister's children (let's hope he remembers that in future!)

 

Thank goodness it's over . If it ever happens again (let's hope not ) you'll be armed with the knowledge that your family will behave and that you can survive the experience .

 

I think you perhaps need to let go of the hurt you feel towards OH . As others have said, family ties are hard to break, however bad the relationship is, but he sounds like one of those men who just can't analyse and discuss it meaningfully. You may never get a satisfactory resolution so don't give yourself unnecessary angst.

[majorbloodnock]

Well, it's good news you kept your calm, and it's excellent news that your kids did so well. In fact, if ever there was proof needed that your parenting skills are effective, it's this.

 

However, it's sad to hear you had to suffer insult and destructive criticism; being related to someone isn't a mandate for showng bad manners or rudeness. From what I understand of this whole affair, you went out of respect for your parents in law, and they (either directly or by omission) did not return that respect.

 

However, I also seem to remember that the options open to you were limited largely because the event itself was already a done deal; it was simply far too late to make any significant and lasting changes. Therefore, whilst this event is still fresh in your and your family's minds, I personally feel that now is the time to make the assertions that'll stop another similar event occurring.

 

Only you, of course, can decide the ways in which you want to put your foot down, but the blunt fact is that you should not have to put up with people being rude to you. If you let your husband know now the conditions you'll insist on if another family dinner invitation is to be accepted, no-one can later complain that you're being obstructive or unreasonable (if, indeed, you care what they say about you - I myself wouldn't). If you wish to point out to your sister in law how you expect her to treat you and your family, it'll be easier with reference to examples you still remember rather than nebulous generalisations that can be evaded.

 

Please don't get me wrong; I'm not trying to suggest how you should interact with your family or what you should do. But whatever you do, I do suggest you do it now.

[Rhapsody]

Well done BB- I wouldnt have handled that half as stoically. For my part it makes me sad that those who are lucky enough to have family around them don't cherish that fact more

[poachedegg]

Well done you and the children for rising above it.......very impressed!

[Busybird]

Thank you everyone. I'm feeling a bit better this morning - concentrating on relaxing, enjoying my family and moving on. OH arranged for a friend to transport DS2 too and from his hockey tournament (this is the first time one of us has not been on the sidelines to support him ) and has now left to take his sister and her family to the airport. This leaves me to get my other two kids too and from their hockey training but I'm fine with that.

 

I have told OH (calmly) that he is not to agree to me going to anything in future without consulting with me first. I hope he remembers.

 

Your virtual hugs and support are much appreciated

[Cinnamon]

 

I have told OH (calmly) that he is not to agree to me going to anything in future without consulting with me first. I hope he remembers.

 

 

I would get that in writing if I were you.

In my experience,men have selective memories

 

My Hubby knows that I will have nothing, NOTHING to do with his father,so I am off the hook for all their family do's

 

Well done to you & yours for putting on a united front

[Lesley]

Same here - I've had too many get-togethers like that and Carl now knows that while I won't cause trouble I won't now go out of my way to instigate any meetings with his family.

 

I put up and shut up on occasions when it is necessary but that is all.

 

I must admit that Carl has been quite good over his familys attitiude towards me and while he won't fall out with htem he has made it clear that he won't tolerate their behaviour towards me - they used to invite him but not me and his rely was always the same "We'd love to come"...........and we never heard anymore about the arrangements! It took a few years of that for them to realise that he wasn't the pushover they thought he was!

[A chickychickychick-ENN!!]

Got to second everyone's comments. Well done!

[Alis girls]

SIL obvioulsy has little confidense in herself otherwise she wouldn snipe at you. Well done you and kids. Hopefully the next one will be 20yrs away. have a glass of wine and chilllllllllll

[Valkyrie]

Ooh familiar scenario - for a minute I thought your inlaws were the same as mine! Well done - that's the hardest bit. I've done that myself and really beat myself up over it. Now the worm has turned after being married for nearly 25 years and I am actually enjoying the arguing with MIL. She backs down now. Although they have been here for 3 Christmases in a row and Easter - we haven't been invited to their place since their Golden Wedding last year. I have really upset her now because I shunned SIL for something too complicated to explain, (but I wasn't having any more nonsense from her either) - mwahahaha! Now I have upset OH by saying that I am not having his mum here for this Christmas (he never supports me either) because she has upset too many people in this family, although his dad is welcome - because he has stuck up for me and is a nice man! OH said that I upset people too - probably, but the democratic vote has been taken and our teenagers don't want her here either. And for once I would like to have a relaxing Christmas and not dread the day.

[Alis girls]

Gosh Koojie are they related to the Adams family or the Eweings? Good for you I think if the kids are on your side OH cant complain. My OH's depressive younger brother didnt turn up last yr depsite open invitation and then I get a call from a friend of his berating me for not inviting him . I very tactfully (a first for me) put her striaght - he is a law to himself for time keeping and if I want to serv dinner at 1pm I expect him there. I have the rest of the family to consider including 2 elderly relatives who travel 100 miles so to keep them waiting for him is unfair.

[Valkyrie]

Ah families - who'd have them?

 

Turning point for me was I was wrong when I said yes and if I said no I'd still be wrong. So now I speak my mind. I'm a right Victor Meldrew now. But I'm determined not to be seen that way for any girl/boyfriends that are brought into the family.

[keyhole kate]

Well done Busybird to you and your children clearly your diplomacy and resole to rise above there nasty,spiteful behavior not to mention your parenting skills are clearly far superior to that of your SIL's, and there probably lies the problem

 

Just remember you married your OH not his family Dont be too hard on OH I do understand where he is coming from my OH is in the same position Easier to bury your head than to admit your family behave that way

 

 

XxxHugsxxX

[Busybird]

You're right, Keyhole Kate about marrying OH and not his family. Normally he is pretty laid back about seeing them so we don't have to too often. SIL shouldn't be back in this area until next summer so I have plenty of time to think through how I will cope with that. We certainly won't be meeting up in a restaurant

 

I have felt so much better these past couple of days - I am not usually that stressy a person so these last few weeks have been hard but having a couple of good nights sleep helps to put things in perspective.

 

I am mulling over whether I should try to state my views a little more with MIL and FIL - whether this would just cause bad feeling or if it could aid mutual understanding