My eco solution to rat problems

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Regarding the solicitors I can highly recommend Cluckingham, Wing and Peck over here in Cambs.

 

I can also highly recommend their perch, I mean, branch, north of the border - McCluckingham, McWing and McPeck .

[Space Chick]

Evening Brandy, and all other girls, Grace here.

 

I thought that I would represent the Wernlas girls from the Gallifrey Walk in Run.

 

Brandy, I heard my hooman female mention that your hooman female is coming to visit her. I understand she is going to buy the cooob run and larrrderr. We have decided to be at our noisiest and most annoying just to show the hooman up. We have already started work on improving the garden to make it look at scratched up as possible.

 

Your hooman has said that she wants to take me home in her handbag, I have decided to store all my curry poos should she attempt this, as I am getting up the pecking order well amongst my pure breed sisters and trying to become a thug like the big girls.

 

Also, we need to ensure that we are fighting for our hen rights across the land, and I can't rely on Rose and Donna, they are nice enough, but as solicitors have been mentioned I think that needs a hen with a certain level of breeding to deal with them, and without sounding like a s"Ooops, word censored!" I don't think that hybrid thugs will do the job justice.

 

Our local solicitor Beak and Crop are very helpful, we put in Planhen permission to lower a fence to the veg patch, and it must have been approved, as we have all managed to get in today, much to the hooman males disgust.

 

Must leave now, the hooman female thinks I went into the big green box ages ago.

 

PS - Zena, I have watched the hybrids produce the eggs, it looks painful, I have decided I am never going to do it, even though the hoomans are delighted when they get them and say "tharn queue" every time.

[Falkor]

Hi Grace, it is Brandy.....

 

SO our hooooomans are meeting up........good thinking about the curry poos but I think I may have already solved your potential handbag travel problem. My hoooman came into our run last night and she was all dressed up with her big bag, ready to go out. She wanted to check we were all in bed before she went out to a place she calls the pub. She had a bottle of spay in her hand......it said "anti-peck"....how are we meant to eat if we can`t peck!? Saffy and I mounted an attack! I tripped her over and Saffy flapped up into her face and she landed in a mammout curry poo! I am pretty sure she got a good covering so the bag should be history! She didn`t bother to use the spray either......she used some language that i can`t type here as there maybe chicks reading.

 

And what is this about the coooobe run and laarder!? That sounds like the Mini-me's are getting an extension! That is not on! I must type another letter to my solicitors!

[hennymom]

Now then me fellow henolleagues... if we'd haff known you were bein militant we'd haff joineded in weeks ago

Our hoomans haff put up some shiny metal stuff wiv small headholes all over it across our mansion grounds... and sprinkled lots of delishous seedy fings on it, skirty hooman says its out of bownds wherever that is? trousery hooman is trying to appease us by lobbing sunflower seeds at us ova the top of the shiny metal stuff wiv small headholes all over it!

It's outrayjus The trousery hooman has been into our house and put a tv in our bedroom but there is no picture on it just a stoopid red light flashing on the top... not even the sniff of a remote control to change channels! only problem is we cant turn the fing off when we go to sleep, and it is still showing the same programme the next day

So, me and the girls decided to investigate it we haff found if we sit close enuff to it on the far edge off the seat they gave us we can just about fire our biggest poops at it although Henrietta is a terrible shot she pooped straight on the tv screen and the hooman trousery one came wiv a spray and a cloth... henrietta scooted she thought she was gonna be polished!

We reckon if we ambush the skirty hooman next time she opens the wooden swingy fing (we cant do it ourselves) its too high up... we can get onto the new green stuff that seems to haff grown over the last 2 weeks...2 WEEKS WE HAFF BEEN DISTROUGHTED FOR ... we haff shown our disaproofal by yelling up at the bedrrom windows at stupid o clock in the morning,and our hoomans haff had to get up and frow stuff at us to shut us up.. but we dont let on that we like spinach and scrambled roundy things we give them for free!!

I fawt I should tell you all about the four legged furball that trespassed in our mansion grounds yesterday whilst we were sunbathing... it climbed ova the tall wooden planks in stealth mode and dropped like a brick on to the green carpet... but we spotted it and launched a full attck at high speed and full cluck/wing flappin down the carpet towards the furball and it shrieked and coughed and spluttered and legged it back over the planks before we could reach it...

that'll teach it to come into our speshul zone

anyways gotta get lost off the button pressy thingy that does this as skirty hooman is comin back.. will get back to you all asap

ta ta for now Myrtle Fyrtle as the hoomans call me

[Space Chick]

Ladies,

 

Donna here again. I am most indigent at the moment. Its been a rather difficult week for me and my sisters. I do not understand the hoomans behaviour.

 

Firstly, on Saturday morning, the hoomans closed the inner double door of our Walk in Run. I looked at Rose and Sarah-Jayne with suspicion. The last time that happened Peri, Leela, Romana and Grace arrived. Well my suspicions were confirmed, as on Saturday night Barbara, Polly and Ace arrived.

 

I don't know what the hoomans had done to them, but they were looking rather sorry for themselves and were missing rather a lot of feathers. When the hoomans had turned their back, we asked them what had happened, and they said they were Eggs Barrtarree hens, I don't know what one of those is but I am not sure I like them as they are rather uncouth in their mannerisms.

 

Imagine our surprise when on Sunday, they all just laid their eggs where there were standing, do they have no shame? I for one have to sit in the nesting box in quiet for at least an hour before I lay may egg, and then I have to announce it to the world. The female hooman once told me that there was someone in outer Mongolia who hadn't heard I'd laid my egg, so I am trying to be louder now.

 

Then, they were watching us scratch around and dustbath like they had never seen such a thing. Rose got rather cross with them at the divide, but they claimed they have never done that before, well its now Thursday and they are doing it, so either they are fast learners or they were lying before.

 

Well, there are so many things that I could tell you about, but I think you have heard enough from me for now.

 

With affectionate pecks as always.

Donna x

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Donna, I feel for you but I write to assure you that you are not alone. We too have suffered indignities this week . Our lovely walk in run has been ruined by the erection of something called "the Omlet run". I can't understand why it's called that - it hasn't moved an inch . Anyway, we now have no access to our favourite bush or to the handy stable door which leads to our free range area . We have to exit via the front door which is good because we can poo all over the path that the hoomans use and eat the edges of her lorn.

 

Then, on Saturday evening, two little squirts arrived and were put into OUR walk in run . They are very odd looking - they have no face furniture at all and look most peculiar. Needless to say, we welcomed them with some bokking and tried to peck them in a friendly manner through the "Omlet run" but they were so chicken, they ran away .

 

We are being provided with some hentertainment however as Mrs Hooman comes out every evening and has to crawl into the squirts' enclosure and put them to bed . Why they don't realise that plastic box is supposed to be their bed, I'll never know. One of them actually tried to sleep in the bush the first night .

 

The first morning they were here, you've never seen anything so pathetic. Poppy or Pippy or Platter - whatever silly name she has - was limping about and falling flat on her face . We thought "result" as she disappeared into the big square eglu for a while (we were hoping Penny/Peggy/Piggy would go too but no such luck).

 

Anyway she was obviousy putting it on as she arrived back that same evening. Talk about a drama queen .

 

I'm hoping we'll get a chance to meet the squirts properly soon. Then we'll show them who's boss .

 

Toodle pip

[chocolateeclaire]

Hi Guys,

This is Buffy Zena's friend.

I am sad to report that Zena is no longer with us.

You see she wasnt kidding when she said that she wasnt going to be having any of that egg laying lark. For our Zena is less Warrior Princess and more The Adventures of Hercules!!!!!!!!

Woohooman VERY upset especially as she thinks Tickety is going the same way!!!

Love Buffy

[dippy bird]

This thread cracked me up last night!! My lap top ended up being spattered with white wine! Keep it going, soooo funny!!

[Plum]

Grackle and I would like to spread our wings around you Buffy and hold you tight to our breastbones . Our little Sparrow had the same thoughts and went to that henhouse in the sky. Tell you something we are going to lay the odd egg still!!! You tell Tickety to do the same.

 

You keep your beak up and straight ahead. Remember the earth isn't always warm but keeps you grounded. When you feel sad just lay on your back with the sun on your wings and look at the clouds and you will see Buffy smiling at you. That's what we do - doesn't half put the wind up Plum.

[chocolateeclaire]

Thanks guys,

I can report that Zena AKA Hercules went back to the Traditional Breed Centre where we all came from and got put in with 10 female black orphingtons!!!!

Unfortunately Tickety could not be accommodated so is back with us. Woohooman says that he can stay until he starts crowing.

She also brought back a white Cochin and a Cuckoo Maran dont know their names as we havent been properly introduced yet!!!

By the way I dont think people should be laughing as it wasnt funny so if they spill coffee overthemselves serves them right!!!!!!

Love Buffy

[Plum]

 

Buffy, Grackle and I were never any good at reading.

 

Welcome back Tickety, have another go at laying an egg you just have to sit down and hold your wings close to your sides. Hold your breath and push down hard. It helps if you squark a bit (whatever, you do don't screech - it sounds too like a crow). You could borrow Buffy's egg and do a lot of chirping. Stay sat on it till your hooman comes, she'll be ever so pleased.

 

Hope your new friends know their place!!

 

Pigeon xx

[Ms Tilytinkle]

Hello Dears,

 

Bit of a problems here on the hill , need bit of action & help. . Its a SOS time indeed.

( save our skins )

Any you lovely ladies know of any Hooooomans who can knit?

Its just our wee Medusa & Lily are a bit bare around the old breast!! I mean we've all been a bit broody, annoying the hell out of our hoooooman. Especially because we all take it in turn to stay into the nesting box & stack up, all on top of each other in a nice little tower which absolutely confuses her, not only the not knowing which one of us to remove first - Lily pecks her so we put her on the top. But she knows the eggs are underneath me so she doesn't take the risk or I stand on them & break em. If we cant hatch em she's not gonna eat them!! Then Medusa in the middle who sprints back as quickly as shes put out & then we change positions .. works a treat.

 

Anyway, poor Lil, she's getting a bit cold on a roostnight. Being up on hill its a wee bit blustery round the old vents.

 

So, er we're wondering if anyone know a kind Hooman who could knit 3 jumpers to keep our bellies warm in the winter. Our hooooman wouldn't know a knitting needle from a skewer & she aint putting my marinated breast on one of those!!! (po marinated as Lil keeps fertilsing the eggs). Our Hoooomans reasonable, I'm sure she'll pay out good cakes, buns, quiche or bread for the troubles & wool.

 

Oh and another thing, apparently those bleedin other girls who aren't on strike, lay eggs for some Hooooman called ASDA or SAINSBURYS . . apparently they lay free range odd sized ones & can be more economical to buy in trays of 15 or 18!!! My Hooooooman was muttering and moaning at us all the other day - trying to make us mad with these other laying girlies . . tempting us with threats then treats !!!

 

We know our rights & we've got a great routine going ha

 

Keep up the good work girlies

 

Best clukards

Ms Pandora Pickledhen

[jimnpaula]

Pardon me as a hooman for replying on a ladies only thread but I don't yet have any chickens to speak on my behalf. I notice some ladies from up on a hill are looking for chicken jumpers. Well, I have searched the internet and have found http://littlehenrescue.co.uk/jumpers.aspx which show a fleece design, and has knitting instructions further down the page. Alas I don't know how to knit and my crochet is still in rudimentary stages but I hope this helps a little with sizes and shaping.

 

P

[Space Chick]

Hello my wise and feathered friends,

 

Donna here with our update report. We have decided to accept our poorly feathered ex battery sisters, so we are now sharing the same big run.

 

We have also taught them how to get into the hoomans veg patch. Last night the hooman female went out with her friend, so the hooman male let us out in the garden. He went inside (which frankly we thought was very irresponsible as the hooman female talks of an evil creature called a fox), so we had our revenge on him and ate 3 whole courgette plants.

 

Now ladies, please do not underestimate this feat, this was demolition on a grand and brilliant scale. We ate the leaves, and the Courgettes and the stalks, all we have left is a few very small stumps. Imagine the surprise of the hooman male when he returned to the garden to put us to bed, it took him a while to realise that something was not quite right.

 

However, he still gave us corn to get us back in the run. He didn't tell the hooman female, however, she noticed for herself earlier, and made a shriek which was louder than even our greatest egg announcements. Apparently she was planning to make a courgette and chocolate cake, well not any more!

 

She still loves us though, as she gave us some grapes, and told us that it was the hooman males fault and not ours.

 

Lets keep showing those hoomans who's really in charge.

 

Love from the 10 of us.

Donna x

 

PS. My hooman female would also not know a knitting needle from a skewer, so sadly we can not help you in your quest Pandora.

[Falkor]

Hi Donna, Brandy here again!

 

Mucho wing clapping on your great courgette feast! We here at chez Palmer07 are very impressed and your Steve MeQueen style adventures into your hoomans veggie patch!

 

Your lady hooman leaves you with their male hoooman too!? We thought it was just us that lucked out! Our hoooman with the hair went out to see other hoomans called Redwing (i much prefer my gold wings) and Wild Mum ( I much prefer my calm and sedate mum) at the weekend which meant the hoooman with no hair had to get us back in our run before bedtime. Saf and I know that he will keep throwing corn until all six of us are in so we hang back by the green spaghetti until he has deposited half the corn tub in our run OMG I was full that night!!! Just couldn`t get comfy on my perch and Gin had used up all the Rennies

 

BUT back to my hen rights - WE HAVE BEEN INVADED!!!!!!!

 

Little mini chooks have taken up residence in another big green box!! Perhaps this camp takes in runts or something They are all midgits and some of them have feathery feet....rejects definetely Saffy says that I shouldn`t be so mean and that I should stop trying to eat them through the green spaghetti. Saffy says that we were new once too and we should be welcoming them with open wings. I don`t like them .

 

On a more positive note the lady hooman with the hair brought us a massive big waterer the other day. She fills it up everyday and when she gets home we have emptied it. She kept saying "they shouldn`t be drinking that much in a day!" What is she on about!? We have been using it like a swingball and playing dodge the drinker! Gin and OSH run around the big waterer and bump it then Saffy and I have to run through the gap between them and not get wet! GREAT GAME!!!

 

Must sign off now........it is spinach time! Yum Yum!

[brambles]

Zena hasn't started running for the South African running hens' team has she?

 

I am glad that you ladies are keeping up the good fight.

 

My hooman has had her first hen party. We have been showed off in all our glory.

 

I stayed in my room all afternoon and did PUFFLE and shouting when the hoomans came to look inside. Who do they think they are? My hooman was trying to demonstrate how to clean my home, but of course, I was in residence. I am proud. She did show off my delightful 'waxing' and called it a broody patch. Cheek. I was, of course, magnificent in my largesse.

 

Strangely enough, my hooman was delighted and kept talking to the visitors about 'dealing with a broody'. Something about cold showers. Am I going to boarding school?

[Space Chick]

Ladies,

 

It has been several months since we last "Re-grouped" so I felt it was important for us to meet again before the festive season.

 

I, Donna, will be the spokes chicken again, although our numbers have grown by 2 since my last post, and the one they call Susan, who looks like an overgrown chick in my book is particularly mouthy!! She is called a Silkie I believe, and has spent the last month sitting on our eggs, wierd!!! The other is white with black spots - whats that all about!! However, they are nice new family members to snuggle up to to keep us warm in our cube.

 

Well, I felt I needed to protest about this garden coverage that the hoomans have installed. It is white and cold and called snow. Why did they do it???? Its cold and wet under your feet and stops you easily getting to worms in the garden, I just do not understand their logic some times

 

Also, something very strange happened to our water. We went to bed one night and had water, the following morning it was a solid cold block Most peculiar. The female hooman seemed rather worried and upset about this, and so the male hooman went to a strange land called Will-kins-ons and then before you knew it there was a strange warm tin under out drinker where you can just see a little light. Then there is this long cable coming out of the side of our run, down the garden and into the big hooman cube Now our water is water again

 

The hooman male likes these cable things and told us we have our own web site. We know we have sites of webs in the run, those evil spiders!!! Although we eat them when we see them

 

Oh well, it could be worse, we could be Turkeys

 

Merry Christmas my feathered friends from across the land.

 

Donna, and the other Cimla Chooks girls xxx

[brambles]

Merry Christmas Donna. My hoomans have also performed the miracle of the solid water. I wonder if it's some sort of decoration thing?

 

We don't care. We have had a thoroughly jolly time today making our human boak. The idiot cat things had caught a mouse and left the tasty still warm delicacy out on the terrrace for us. Edna was the claimant and did the slow walking singing with precious food in mouth song with the mouse poking out of her beak. Very elegant too, like opera it was. We regrouped behind her, it would be inelegant to rugby scrum such a delicay. After much squawking from hooman Edna swallowed the delicious thing. the hooman declared that she has gone off eggs now.

 

We had new neighbours. They think they are posh as they came from Wormlas. We haven't seen any worms yet. They are still small and have had lots of sleep overs at our place. We still hate them and will peck their heads off if we can. We let them do free ranging though. This is a good plan as the hooman keeps checking on us all and giving us all grain.

 

Merry Christmas ladies and gents all. xx

[chick wiggle]

YAY

Im so glad this thread has started up again. My name is Dora and I am the head matron of my motley crew! I have 10 other girls to snuggle up to in my cube so i dont mind them, but, we have had some little upstarts installed in MY WIR!! They have a smaller pink thing they sleep in! They have been here for weeks and weeks and just dont seem to have grown at all! I think there is something wrong with them, i think they have some sort of disease called Bant hams? As I have overheard the hooman saying this.

I have snuck into their section of the run a few times and they seem to be suitably scared of me so thats ok.

This white ground covering you mentioned is shocking! I am thinking of getting up a petition to have it removed. If it is not gone soon I wil be in touch with you all to sign up!

Keep in touch girls and dont forget....

Chicken Power Rules!!!!!!!

XXX

[batcatz]

Hi, it's Dotty here. I've only just noticed this and it's eggsellent! i just wanted to tell you that my hoowoman put this wierd stuff on my neck last week cos she saw some lice on my henpal! This henpal doesn't even live with me so I was a bit annoyed. It wasn't too bad in the end, eggspecially as she scrambled up all those things that keep popping out of my knickers and gave them back to me. yum!

 

Hennyway, I thought I'd teach her a lesson cos I red all about hen rights here. I heard her say she was soooo eggsited yesterday cos she could have dippy eggs and marmite soljers as a week had gone by. I made sure me and me henpal, Hetty didn't go in the nest box to pop anything out. We had to cross our legs though.

 

I fink she is a bit stoopid cos we always have Tuesdays off.

[brambles]

That white stuff has arrived here. We have tried pecking at it, but it won't go away. We laid stealth poos in it instead. They look most attractive peppered all over the enormous ball of white stuff that the small hooman rolled.

[Chicken Licken]

Me and Primrose wish to compain too. We have had white ice for a week now and it is NOT FAIR. It is cold, it is hard and it tastes horrible and we want our grass back NOW. Even worse there are new chickens here too. Yesterday I was forced to come out of my nice smelling run (with the remainders of grass) and cross the ice field to sidle up to their run and let them know I AM IN CHARGE HERE (until my friend Primrose has stopped moulting - when I spect she will be in charge again!). They seemed to take it quite well. These hoomans - who do they think they are -introducing a whole new flock. I told them I WILL PECK YOU IF I WANT TOO BOOOOCCCCKKK, boc, BOOOOOCCCCKKKK

To make matters worse, the hooman who is a bit soft and brings nice porrige for me and mealworms for my friend Primrose (who will not come out of the run as she is mbarassed due to being a bit naked on the feather front) - anyway she gave treats to the new flock too - and they aren't even hers - can you believe it - our nice afternoon treats - shared!! Our chicken rights are being infringed - we wish to COMPLAIN

[Space Chick]

Ladies,

 

Donna here again, and I am disappointed to report that in this New Year, the Hoomans have not made a New Years Resolution to ensure that we have everything our way. Most frustrating.

 

Anyhow, despite demanding that the white garden covering was removed, it has been INCREASED! To make matters worse, the hoomans have said that we may get frost bitten combs. I don't know who frost is, but he isn't getting the chance to bite our combs They didn't listen to this protest, and insisted on putting this clear sticky stuff on our combs that they called Var-Sar-Lean. The male hooman told us that it is very good and moisturising and that he uses it on his lips - gross!!! Everyone knows you should use Chicken Poop Lip Balm They did give us a big helping of corn afterwards though, so at least thats something.

 

Finally, they have been giving our mealworms and corn to the wild birds - the cheek of it

[clucky chicken]

This thread is brilliant!! Next installment please...!!!

[Patricia W]

Phillip here! Since the hooman dumped this cold white stuff EVERYWHERE I have been FORCED to take up residence in the green box - the ONLY place free from the cold white stuff. My two wives are keeping look out in the doorway, whilst I, the great CROW, keep guard in the back in case of a rear guard attack from the GREAT WHITE.

 

BUT I am making sure the hoomans don't get away with it. I am shouting my displeasure at the TOP OF MY CROW constantly. I will bring our in-hooman treatment to the attention of EVERYONE for miles around. SHE has brought us room service but it is NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

 

Stay strong, Comrades! WE WILL NOT BE DEFEATED!

 

Phillip, Mrs Phillip 1 and Mrs Phillip 2