Chicken bald back

[Clur]

Cutting long story short, my son ( is quite a sensitive lad and has been through a bit of stress of late - doesn't like change, is behind at school and has stress related bowel problems and stress related alopecia (thankfully a very small spot). He's due to see a psychiatrist tomorrow and I invited mother-in-law to come as she is very hands-on and involved with both kids. This was a little bit of a risky move as I know she isn't a fan of my parenting.

 

A few weeks ago in conversation she passed comment about me putting my job ahead of my children. I was too stunned to react and hubby glossed over it. To cut long story short, psych has asked us to send an email ahead of the appt to let him know what we feel are problem areas. We asked M-I-L to contribute and DH rang tonight to chase it up. She said she didn't want to give it to us as it's 'private'. DH did his usual ostrich impression but after a (ahem) discussion rang back and said we needed to know. She basically has said she feels his problems are down to me working full time as there are times I have to work long hours and travel.

 

DH starts work at 7am so I do mornings most days unless I am away. I have also never missed an assembly, parents' evening etc. DH finishes at 3.30 every day. My job isn't 9-5 so I am around when I can be.

 

I am so upset and angry. DH and I have had a row as he thinks I am over reacting and should ignore her. At the moment I feel like I want to cut all ties. I have known DH and his family for over 20 years and just feel absolutely gutted she or anyone would think I put work ahead of family. I got into this to get us out of a pokey flat in a terrible area (drug deals happening openly, vandalism, feral kids) and we live in a nice area with the kids in a good school.

 

I am so upset and she has hit a nerve - I've always wanted to be at home with the kids but can't live on one salary. DH gets paid peanuts. Don't know what to do; never want to see her again but have to be grown-up as the kids are both very close to them. DH is being next to useless too...

 

(Sorry, needed to vent)

[Clur]

Wasn't really cutting a long story short, was it?!

[Ain't Nobody Here]

You poor thing . "Ooops, word censored!"ody has any right to criticize your parenting skills and in any case, it sounds like you're doing your very best for your family. I can't see why she thinks your son's problems would be caused by you . Isn't it her son's low salary that's making it necessary for you to work ? Has she had that pointed out to her?

[Plum]

Don't do anything rash give yourself time before you react to her. Part of your upset may be because it's what you fear has happened.

 

You sound like a lovely mum doing her very best for children and family and I'm sure your son would be even more stressed if you hadn't done all you have to help him and the family get out of the situation you were in.

 

Big hugs for you and hope you get some constructive help for your lad from the psychiatrist.

[goodinparts]

Can only offer hugs, really...& sympathy...but they are both yours. Hope that despite MIL's sabotage the assessment goes well...Try not to do anything that might make things stressier for him right now, but when the dust has settled perhaps you could try to have a reasoned conversation with your MIL...who may just be over-reacting thro her own concern and affection for your son, but is clearly out of order.

Prayers for all of you

[Chicken shack]

Your last post made me

 

My sister has a daughter with downs syndrom and works as a carer. My mother said to me 'I dont know why she has to go out to work she has enough to do at home looking after the home and family'. She (my mother) never did a days paid work from the age of 21. My father was only a lorry driver but earnt enough to keep a roof over our heads and a good pension. I told her 'If we have half the life style she has when we reach her age we will be very lucky.' It is so much harder these days to make ends meet. Point this out politly and refuse to discuss is with her any further.Don't get her involved with any documentation in the future. Don't beat your self up over this. Bringing up children is the hardest job in the world. They don't come with a set of instructions, neither do parents.

Edited November 11, 2010 by Guest

[Sheilaz]

Giant hugs and a cuppa from me, you truly deserve them!

 

Bear in mind that one can have several children and one will be forthright & headstrong and another unduly sensitive, nothing to do with Mum's work/not work etc.

 

Chickenshack makes a good point, it's how MIL views things, but it doesn't mean it's true, it's just her perspective, best ignored, it's not worth arguing, you know you do the right thing for your family.

 

I totally understand why you are angry, but agree with Goodinparts about finding an honest but peaceful way forward. You must all be so worried, & that's when things are said.

 

Wishing you all the very best in hard times, no need to be either attacking or defensive, just be your lovely self.

[Guest]

try not to worry. The psychiatrist is trained to be objective and they will be able to see things from a rational standpoint. You will have ample opportunity to state your case so try and remain calm.

 

If your MIL is being irrational then they'll spot that a mile off, try not to worry, easier said than done though I know but just remember, the psych has no axe to grind and won't take sides. They'll just give the best advice they can with your child's welfare as their priority.

[Jules.]

Sending you all (((hugs))) for today x

 

I don't think that your son cares one jot what his Granny says or thinks about you & your family's situation.

He just needs be confident that all the adults who know & love him are behind him 110% in everything he does, or what he has to cope with.

 

I'll be thinking of you today, & I've said a little prayer for you all x

[Lesley]

As all have said above ^^^^^

 

Nothing to add so sending (((((big hugs)))))) for today.

[Purplemaniacs]

Nothing to add, others have said most of my thoughts already but...your DS sees his Dad far more than a lot of children. Children I work with many of them don't see their Dad all week, he leaves early and is home late, I often have little ones crying wishing Dad could collect them or watch their play.

 

In an ideal world you would spend all day at home with DS but to improve life better area, school you have to work but your son has his Dad around in the afternoon, he is not passed from childminder to baby sitter to any other adult who has a spare hour to keep an eye on him. He also has a Granny who loves and cares about him, even if she shows it in an odd way at the moment!

 

I hope today goes well.

 

Chrissie

[chick wiggle]

Oh Dear Clur, first of all...big, huge hugs

You are obviously doing your very best for your family. You have moved to a nicer area which could not have happened without you working. Point that out to MIL! Your child has never ever suffered or missed out on anything through you working. Point that out to MIL! and as Poet said, the pshyc will have come across interfering grandparents before. Its hard i know, but try to let whatever she says wash over your head

Try not to worry, do not feel guilty one little bit. Everyone has to work to make ends meet and it sounds to me like you are doing a first class job.

Thinking of you {{hugs}}

[Alis girls]

I feel sorry for you - i work round school hours 21 in total (2 jobs) and run myself ragged trying to keep head above water. You are right trying to keep afloat is a nightmare. (just read this back and makes no sense at all) she needs to spend a day in your shoes and see how easy life is. family are s'pose to make life easier - rarely do in my experince. Good luck and dont beat yourself up. Sorry for gobbleygook English etc fighting off virus and brain and fingers not working together. i too have sensitive son of 9 and we've dont the round of CAMHS - was fairly helpful. If in digestion probs youm mean constipation I used to sit in bathroom with son and get him to blow bubbles ( the ones in a pot!)it relaxes the er anal muscles - also your GP may be able to give you some a good laxative (dynamite) whose name begins with an M - sorry cant rember but we didnt use for long. Love Ali x

[Willow]

Poor you - personally I would make that the last time she is *invited* to input her opinion. She was invited to input an opinion into the assessment when you didn't need to ask her and she abused that trust by not putting the opinion in openly.

 

You are doing the best you can, whist the best will in the world you can't improve their home environment without working some of the time they are at home. I work full time with similar juggling to you and was often shocked how much less effort some (not all but def some) 'full' time mothers at my sons primary school when they were in primary school put into parenting their children compared to the effort I put in.

 

TBH If you didn't work your MIL would probably complain you're lazy and put too much pressure on her son.

 

My kids are proud of the fact I work hard at work and still do lots with them and are always there when they need me. When I was wondering whether to stop work for a while last year they urged me to leave everything as it was.

 

You do need to make it clear to your OH how you feel about him backing you up on this one or it will continue to be a problem. Maybe you could write it in a letter and ask him to read and reflect on it before you discuss so it can be discussed more objectively.

 

Good luck

[patsylabrador]

Clur, I was a stay at home mum and taught my kids at home, so we spent a lot of time together. For three of them it has been a smooth path into adulthood, for one, a long and tortuous one. He's what I secretly call my long term project. Your son would probably be who he is whatever you do. Carry on regardless. Your MIL should read some history, there has never been a kind of golden age when mothers didn't have to work, unless they lived at Downton Abbey.

[Alis girls]

Movicol - brain has woken up

[debbier]

I guess she's entitled to her opinion, even if it's wrong. I wouldn't bother asking for it next time, to be honest. I would be hurt, too. It's not easy to forget her comments, but try to keep the relations cordial, as I think the whole family would suffer otherwise. Sorry if that sounds too much like your OHs reaction!

[The Dogmother]

It's very hard to stay rational in the face of such criticism, isn't it? It just shows that you are concerned to do the very best for your family.

 

I have brought up Rosie on my own while workign full time, in the face up much criticism from an alcoholic ex-MIL who had no understanding of the pressures that families face in these times. Try to stay calm and not rise to her. The Psych will see her comment fro what it is, and I hope will be able to help you.

 

Take care and try to be easier on yourself.

[Seagazer]

You've had some great advice from everyone so I'll just send a ((((hug)))) and hope it all goes well.

[Aunty e]

How awful of her to attack you when you're already having a difficult time of it Big hug. I don't feel remotely guilty for working full time, and neither should you. You might prefer to be able to spend more time with your son, but there's no guarantee it would help him and your family needs the income. It's a bit of a no brainer really.

[Snoxy]

I am going to put my thoughts like this because I am not 'good' with words...I get myself tied up in knots to be honest

 

((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

and more

 

(((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

for you

 

And this is for your MIL Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[LisaP]

Clur, first of all a big hug wending it's way to you ((hugs)).

 

I know every situation is completely individual but you have my full sympathy, one of my children is on the autistic spectrum and we've had all sorts of ups and downs, including stress related. We had a psych assessment at CAMHs back in March and they were very good - now I don't know where you are going of course but try not to worry, they assess and interpret objectively. My late MIL was also very hands on and a great help but was often critical and a force to be reckoned with

 

Don't know what else to say other than that I'm only 5 mins up the road from you and if at any time you want to just have a chat or a cup of tea (or both of course ) I'm always here.

 

All the best

 

Lisa P

[Snoxy]

 

Don't know what else to say other than that I'm only 5 mins up the road from you and if at any time you want to just have a chat or a cup of tea (or both of course ) I'm always here

 

[C&T]

I think your son is blessed.

 

A mum who obviously cares pasionately about her family who is with him in the morning, and a Dad whom I am sure loves him just as much looking after him in the afternoon. Plus he has a Grandmother whom I am sure loves him too - just has an funny way about her....

 

I believe bringing up a child is not JUST the mothers job, it is the role of both parents and/or extended families. And your family seems to reflect just that.

 

You know you are doing the right thing by your family. MIL's are often "special" in their outlook - I am dreading how my MIL will be when our little one arrives even though I know her heart will be in the right place...

 

Hope the specialist will help him, and you, cope with and improve his situation. And he may well help your MIL understand more as well if you are lucky!

[Rhapsody]

Gosh I really feel for you ((((((((((((((Clur))))))))))))))

 

What your MIL said about you putting your job before your kids is inexcusable first and foremost, and personally I would be looking for an apology. Even if she thought it it was not her place to say it to you, there is such a thing as Internal Monologue. But this opinion does come from ultimately a position of caring about your son's welfare, even if it was badly expressed and that is something that you can build on with this woman should you choose to.

 

Being a full-time mother does not necessarily bestow perfection, it is always the first solution for the critics when children have problems, but it is to my mind a simplistic and illogical one. You and your husband have quite rightly taken joint responsibilty for childcare and you are working hard to make your family comfortable, I would bet that your MIL never got that kind of support from her partner and she may be acting out some resentment on you.

 

I hope you get effective help for your boy.

 

Ps I once read that once you have kids your MIL should adopt the strap line "Working to Undermine You" ...