Eglu Cube Coop For Sale

[Groovychook]

I'm not sure that I should be sharing this but I feel so low and battered by events that I need to get it off my chest. Apologies in advance for rambling on.

 

I've got a lot of things going on in my life on different fronts. Firstly, my lovely Mum died last year after succumbing to a late diagnosis of a brain tumour. Around the time when she first became ill, a friend of ours announced that he and his partner were expecting a baby. Now this is a long story, so I'll try and condense it as much as I can. OH and I have a long and difficult history of infertility and have been through 3 cycles of unsuccessful IVF. Although it's a painful subject for us, we've got 9 lovely nieces and nephews and have other friends with children. We've dealt with our problems and have tried to be as happy as we can for our friends and family.

 

At the time of Mum's illness, we were worried sick about her and struggling to get answers about the health issues she was suffering from. From the outset, we were told by our expectant friends that we were not being effusive enough about their news and had our infertility history raked up as a reason for this. We found this very hurtful at a time when my whole attention was focused on my Mum, who was steadily deteriorating throughout the following months. The sister of this friend is also my closest friend around here. I wrote to her to try and explain that I could not cope with any extra agro at the time. She could not understand my hurt and broke contact with me up until the time my Mum died last Autumn. I could have really done with her support at the time. My long distance friends and my wonderful MIL were in touch constantly. It was truly the worst time of my life- I'd helped to look after Mum at home and when we finally had the diagnosis of her brain tumour, my Dad didn't want her to know. Trying to reassure her during this time, knowing that she wouldn't be getting better was heart wrenching.

 

A couple of days after Mum died, the baby was born. We sent a congratulatory text but quite frankly, didn't feel like sending a card and present. The hurt was still raw and we were overwhelmed with trying to help my Dad through the difficult time. A couple of months after the funeral, my Dad broke contact with us. An ex neighbour of theirs who my Mum had always had a healthy dislike for, had been making her presence felt whilst Mum was still alive and mum was upset to have her constantly visiting. The family sort of joked at the time that she was trying to get her feet under the table but never for one minute thought it would happen, but I'm afraid it did. All of a sudden, Dad, who I'd always been very close to, didn't want my help with his finances- which up to that he'd been clueless about and didn't want contact with me unless I could accept this woman as his new partner. Neither I, my sister or Aunty (who live a long way away) could do this. It was only 10 weeks since we'd buried Mum. I tried to talk to him and to say that he shouldn't be making any hasty decisions when he was so vulnerable but he resented my interference and cut off contact with us all. It's been a hard year. I've tried to build bridges with him and have told him in a letter that I love and miss him but he's not interested. He presents a very mangled version of events to other people and I feel as though I am in an impossible situation.

 

On top of all of this, my OH has recently begun a 48 week course of chemotherapy for a long standing medical condition. He's been through this twice before, unsuccessfully. It's a long and gruelling haul and it's a struggle for us both to stay positive about things. He's currently very poorly and could do without everything else that is going on. Fingers crossed it will all work out this time.

 

I recently contacted my friend who lives locally as I'd heard that she hadn't been well. I've tried getting in touch a few times over that past months but have had little response, so got the impression that she wasn't interested in continuing our friendship. Anyway, she replied and said that she missed me, so I arranged to go and see her yesterday. It was a disaster. She let rip at me about how much OH and I have deeply offended her family and that I had used my Mum's illness and death as an excuse. She threw things back at me that I've previously confided in her about our IVF struggles and used them against me to press her point. I tried to explain things from my point of view but it was impossible. She's quite a loud and forceful character and just kept shouting over me. To cut an even longer story short, I walked out in the end. I told her that we weren't getting anywhere and that she had no idea of the pressures that we were going through, that I'd never intended to hurt her but that I didn't feel that I had anything to apologise for.

 

So there we go... I think that the friendship with her and her brother has come to an end. I'm just left feeling very low and isolated. I'm not a confrontational person by nature, but I feel that I've been treated unfairly.

 

I'm sorry for the long post. It feels slightly better to write it all down though. I normally just cope with things but it seems to be coming at me from all fronts at the moment. As soon as my OH is feeling better, I think we should concentrate on finding new friends!

Thanks for listening.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

I felt so sad for you reading your post . You have had so much to deal with and it sounds to me like people aren't being in the least bit sympathetic or understanding. I'm so sorry your Dad has cut off contact with you too - he's probably feeling very guilty as he knows it's too soon so hopefully either the relationship will fail or he'll realise what he's missing out on, not seeing you.

 

Just one of those things would be hard to deal with but all of them together just seems so unfair. I really hope your OH's treatment works - I think you should concentrate on your own family unit and not let all these negative and unsympathetic people upset you any more than they have already.

 

It can be a cathartic process, posting on here (I've done it a few times ) so you just pop in here for some virtual hugs and sympathy any time you need to .

[Couperwife]

Oh my word what an awful time you are having.

 

(((Hugs)))

 

From what you have said your friend is totally unsupportive in your trauma and she doesn't deserve to be called a friend.

 

Feel free to rant on here, it really helps

 

Cathy

X

[Cinnamon]

She let rip at me about how much OH and I have deeply offended her family and that I had used my Mum's illness and death as an excuse. She threw things back at me that I've previously confided in her about our IVF struggles and used them against me to press her point.

 

This is what has stood out for me,from your very sad post.

This is no friend,this is a selfish person who you are much better without in your life.

Sorry if that is harsh,but you had just lost your Mum for goodness sake!

Now you again have someone you love with health concerns to worry over - concentrate on them & ignore this emotional vampire.

You seem like a lovely person to me,but don't spread yourself too thin by trying to please everyone - you & yours must come first,everyone else second,& I would include your Dad in that equation too.

[soapdragon]

What a horrible time you are having...I'm afraid I can't be much help with the freinds(tho I use that term loosley!) BUT my FIL behaved in exactly the same way when MIL died. Again, she was ill for about a year - but was aware of the situation and bore it all with enourmous dignity and fortitude - but, when she died FIL wasted no time in getting together with someone (divorced) that he and MIL had known for years. We had always joked that he 'held a candle' for her and so it proved.

 

They got together,sold the family house and moved away all very quickly.Now all we hear is of her family and what they are up to...very little interest shown in our boys. Equally, when YS was born and in Special Care for 8 1/2 VERY long weeks, very ill most of the time, we had no support/offers of help tho they were, at most 1 and a bit hours away. This woman sees her grandchildren and babysits VERY regularly tho her daughter and husband are well over 2 hours from them. When OH lost his job and we struggled desperatly financially and were only 2months away from putting the house on the market and ending up who knows where with two small children we had no offers of help tho we know that HER children have benefitted financially on several occasions (with FIL's money as she had none of her own!!!)

 

Its very hard to know how to deal with this - we feel its not worth a family argument (tho OH's brother feels as we do) and, even if we were to voice our feelings I really don't think FIL would want to know or even try to understand.

 

I am sorry that this has turnedinto a bit (!?) of a rant from me but you can see, Groovychoock, that your dad is not the only one who has behaved like this so hope that helps even a bit!!!! We try and think that he maybe just did not want to be alone so jumped into another relationship asap.........maybe the same for your dad?

 

Concentrate on your OH and his treatment right now.....that's the important thing and do take care of your self too! Perhaps some treats for you two - cinema trip/dinner out if OH feels up to it. Spoil yourselves and s** the others!!!!

[Looney]

Wanted to send you some great big ((((hugs)))) xxxxxx So sorry to hear everything you have had to deal with As others have said your focus needs to be on you and your OH (I hope his treatment goes well) and not on false friends that are incapable of even trying to view things from your perspective because they are so absorbed in their own lives. You won't be able to meet their expectations as there is no room for any give from them by the sounds of it.

 

My heart goes out to you, what a lot to deal with. We're always here to listen, give virtual hugs etc Xxxxxxxxx

[Alis girls]

Hugs coming your way = you have been badly let down and i think in future if they need you - you should make sure you are busy. Concentrate on your OH. Saw what my friend went thro with IVF. She was lucky and ended up with 2 great kids. i dont know how old you are and if more is an option, however concentrate on here and now and best wishes for OH's speedy recovery. Have u see your GP about poss of counselling or help? hugs Ali x

[newcountrygirl]

So sorry to hear this. Things always seem to come to a head around a tragedy like this. All I can say is - you know you did your best for your Mum (and your Dad) at the moment they needed you most. Now you have to be strong for yourself and your OH. Try not to keep going over everything in your mind cos it wont change anything and will only lower your defenses. Think positive thoughts and know we are all thinking them for you too.

[freddie]

Sometimes, through he most difficult of times, you find out who the real friends are .

I really do feel for you, but it will pass, the dreadful feelings, Give yourself the time, and the sympathy you need.

Think that your Dad is going to come round, but is hurting and confused. Go along with it, and let him enjoy himself; she's probably a support for him at the moment.

[Cheeky Chooky]

sigh I just don't understand the human race sometimes You have been treated appallingly and I feel for you so much *hug* I agree wholeheartedly with what previous Posters have said and just want to send you and your OH lots of love. Take care of yourselves and don't worry about the rest xx

[merlina]

Freddie is absolutely right - it's when things go wrong you find out who your friends are.

 

About 15 years ago I went through a really bad time, which ended with what people used to call a nervous breakdown (still a pretty good term for it I think). Looking back with the benefit of hindsight, it's interesting to see how people I thought were close friends melted away, or tried to help for a week or so and then disappeared when they realised I wasn't going to be back to my old self after an evening of wine and cake.

 

In other words, you have to understand that your friend's behaviour is all about her, and nothing to do with you, not really. Some people just don't deal well with 'stuff'. The fact that she didn't listen to you pretty much bears this out, i think.

 

I was lucky, there were other people around me, people who I had thought of as mere acquaintances, who were absolutely wonderful and rallied to help. Perhaps you have some people like that you can turn to? Strangely, they tended to melt away, albeit more slowly, as I got better. So what I took away from all that is that different people want/need different things from a friendship, and don't always cope well when the other party changes the 'terms'. I'm not sure this ramble will, help, but I offer it up because I think I would have liked to have been able to understand when people were doing odd things around me.

Men, especially those of a certain age, don't, generally, seem to be able to cope well without a partner. I saw the vast majority of my mothers' male peers hook up with another woman with what, most of us thought, was indecent haste. For their part they couldn't understand why there was a perceived problem - and were offended by the criticism. I'm guessing your dad may fall into this group?

 

Life has a bad habit of kicking us when we're down. I hope all goes well for you and yours /hugs

[patsylabrador]

I'm sorry to read this. People are not always there for you, especially it seems for people who they expect to be there for them. I react badly and negatively to this sort of treatment. I just think well, I

'm determined to live as happy a life as circumstances allow, that person is being an unnecessary negative force, he/she can go. I behave slightly differently with family, because they are family, but not much. I just cease communication, take control and ease back in when I feel inclined.

I have to say, I have never missed a single one of the people that I have backed away from so that must mean something.

Good luck with everything. Look after yourselves, that is most important.

[counturchickens]

I just wanted to second what others have said, just worry about you and your oh for now. It is hard, but your 'friend' really isn't and life's too short to have these kind of people in your life. Sending hugs x

[dancing cloud]

So sorry to hear what you are going through and do please feel free to seek support here. I certainly have and have always found it.

 

Echoing what everyone else has said about finding out who your friends really are and also sending you lots of ((hugs)). It's very difficult and hurtful when someone you have trusted turns out not to be worthy of it, but that is their choice and no reflection on you. A "friend" who uses confidences against you, just because you're not doing what they want, is no friend. Like others here, I would also suggest you focus on your OH and, when he's well again, you can then decide what you want to do about other people, if anything.

 

When my mother became terminally ill, some of her supposedly close friends and family were not seen for dust, though others were unexpectedly very kind and supportive. Her elderly aunts for instance, who she'd not really seen much of for years, visited every week for three years until she died and have kept in regular contact with my dad, just to make sure he's ok.

 

As other Omleteers have said, sometimes you just have to accept you have to let go of some people, equally sometimes people can surprise you for the better and letting go of that friend may make room for another one. Over the years my Christmas card list has certainly changed!

 

Wishing you and your OH all the very best.

[C&T]

IVF is TOUGH. I lost one (I thought good) friend as a result of this. She could not understand the inpact it has on day to day life and the rollarcoaster of emotions as you go through each cycle.

 

I agree with others, new friends can crop up in the most unlikely of places! I have found a couple of great new friends since, and sincerely hope the same happens for you.

[Willow]

What an awful time you're having. I hope your OH treatment is successful and he needs your attention and support no one else does.

 

I'm with pretty everyone else here that this friend is not really a friend. It is only when times are bad that you discover whether your friends are worth having and this lady and her brother & his partner are not. Having gone through 'difficulties' before having my ES I think most people who have not had problems conceiving understand how very devastating it is and to some extent you can and have to let a bit of insensitivity go but these people have gone well beyond that to use your upset against you is unforgivable. I'm afraid these are people you need to move on from. I know it's easier said than done but try and put them mentally to one side and cut contact.

 

You can do nothing about your father I'm afraid. Apparently men who have had happy marriages are the quickest to move on. They miss that relationship so much, so whilst it seems disrespectful to your mother it isn't as simple as that. He would also have been vulnerable to the attention, best you can do there is give it time.

 

I hope things get better.

[Ms Marple]

Please accept some (((hugs))) from me too. Some people in life are simply destined to be 'takers' whilst others end up being eternal 'givers'. Focus on your OH and your needs. You will come through this and out the other side. The 'true' friends will realise this but sometimes it takes time. You and your OH for better for worse, in sickness and in health.... this applies whether or not you are married ( I say that just in case you are not) as at the end of the day it is a piece of paper, whereas the words mean so much more. Be strong for each other and continue to be kind to others. Enough said. I will keep you in my thoughts.

[redhotchick]

Another virtual hug coming your way {{{{{x}}}}}}

That sounds like a lot of stressful events in a short period of time.

Take care of yourself and those precious to you.

Hope things start to get better for you x x

[bluekarin]

I agree with what has been said already. It is such a shame you supposed friend hasn't been there for you when you need a friend the most. I would send her a letter so you can get across clearly how you feel, as she couldn't be bothered to listen when you met up (which will help you get things off your chest and be cathartic) and then put the matter aside and get on with your and your husbands life together and him getting through his illness. You will find new friends and if she come around and finally understands how things have been then you can go from there. If she doesn't, then at least you know you have done your best to explain and you won't have that particular stress any more. I wish you well whatever happens

[Seagazer]

Gosh what an awful time you've been having, but there has been some very good advice to which I can't really add much to. I would definitely go down bluekarin's route and send a letter, then just concentrate on you and your husband.

 

Sending you ((hugs)) and best wishes for your hubby's treatment.

[..lay a little egg for me]

Blimey! I never knew there was some required level of effusiveness that needed to be displayed when being told someone is expecting a baby!!! How incredibly selfish of your so-called friends to have the cheek to tell you what you ought to be feeling/saying. I am completely gobsmacked. I would not lose a moments sleep about cutting off these people from your life.

 

Unfortunately your Dad's behaviour is all too common. I think it is some kind of male inability to cope with emotion that leads them to behave so oddly. My father was similar and I know countless women whose husbands have run off with another woman the moment any kind of difficulty arose in their family life. I expect you were lucky your Dad at least waited until after your mother had passed on. Your Dad can probably not be persuaded to change his mind at this point, perhaps given time he may realise what he has done and come back to you.

 

I believe you need to concentrate on you and your own family now. As others have said, coming on here for a rant is very cathartic and we are always here to listen and give support. I went to counselling after my Mum and Dad died and the counsellor suggested I wrote a letter to my Dad to say all those things I was thinking about his terrible behaviour, as just writing it down is good. Writing it on the forum is even more therapeutic!!

[Groovychook]

I just wanted to say a big thank you to all of you for your understanding and support. I'm normally a 'coper' and would just deal with whatever comes my way but after what happened on Friday, I felt something cracking inside and needed to let it all out. It's so hard to talk about it all but I'm very glad that I shared it with you and have been so touched by your replies and messages.

 

I know that you're right and that I should move on from it all. It's just in the wee small hours when I can't sleep and it's all whirring around in my mind, that I start to doubt myself and wonder if I'm at fault. I had a long text from her this morning, saying how very disappointed she had been with the way I had treated her on Friday. That I hadn't let her talk and had shouted over her ( I can assure you that I had to fight to get a word in!) and that I have treated her appallingly and I need to wake up and see the bigger picture. Blimey... she seems to have no self awareness as to the way she comes across.

 

I think I will write to her and try to get my point over and explain that I need to put an end to our 'friendship'. I don't know if she'll come to any greater understanding of the way I've been feeling- when I wrote to her last summer about the same issue, she said that she had no idea why I had written everything that I had. I don't suppose that matters though.

 

I might go to my doctor too and about some counselling. I've not wanted to let the genie out of the bottle before now for fear that I might go to pieces and not be able to cope. I know it's daft - I'm not the best at being the centre of attention

 

Thanks too for your support for my husband. It's been a rough weekend but he managed to get out of bed and dressed today. I passed on your good wishes to him and he was very touched.

 

Now I've just got to get my head around what to write

[bluekarin]

Just wanted to send you (((hugs))) and to say when you write the letter, take your time, do several drafts and be truly happy about what you have written. That way there is no stress on your part that you may have said something wrong.

 

I do hope all works out well for you. I love this board for getting stuff off your chest. Its nice to know people will listen and offer lots of advice

[Cheeky Chooky]

I might go to my doctor too and about some counselling. I've not wanted to let the genie out of the bottle before now for fear that I might go to pieces and not be able to cope. I know it's daft - I'm not the best at being the centre of attention

That's a really good idea. Like you, I spent years 'being there' for everyone else, despite having my own trials and tribulations and last year I had the most horrendous year of my life (I won't go into detail ) I finally confided in my GP around last September time as I was unable to cope with anything and I was prescribed a very low dosage of Citalopram...it was the best decision I ever made, talking frankly to my GP and not being afraid to take the Antidepressant. Counselling was great too, so do go and have a chat with your Doc *hug*

 

Now I've just got to get my head around what to write

I'd concentrate on you and your Hubby and completely ignore this 'friend', whose continued appalling behaviour is just too unbelievable for words

 

Take care of yourself x

[sadietoo]

Goodness me Groovychick, i've just caught up with this what an awful time you've been having. I can only reiterate the very good comments and advice others have been given. Stand firm, you know the truth. I'm struggling to find a word to describe this woman who once was your friend, but "deluded" springs to mind. Stamp, scream throw things if you want, but you DESERVE more than this, and you need to let her know that.... then move on and never look back... your OH needs you, and undoubtedly you need some support, and counselling is a very good idea. In the meantime sending hugs and virtual support from Sussex.x

 

Can you tell this woman has made me very cross on your behalf...how dare she!be so unspeakably selfish x