Run wanted

[chickencam]

((((hugs))))

[Mercedes55]

(((((((hugs)))))) from me too. What an awful time you've had, I'm so sorry and I can't begin to imagine what you must be feeling like. Have to say I don't think much of this "friend" either. She obviously knew you had a lot on your plate but acted very selfishly. So what if a friend is having a baby, are you supposed to throw a party for her or something?

 

As for your dad, sadly I think a lot of men find it hard to come to terms with such a loss and often act rashly like that. My daughter in law lost her mum 3mths before she married my son. Her father went on holiday shortly after, met another woman, came back, sold his house and went to live overseas with this woman. No thought for the grief his children were feeling, just thinking about himself.

 

I do hope things get better for you and I hope your husband's treatment works for him and I think the advice about having counselling is very good as it really does help.

[superkitty]

Just catching up on this. You are really having a horrid time at the moment, bless you. My view is that you should cut off contact with this 'friend' - she sounds toxic and draining, and it doesn't sound like you are going to get through to her (although writing to her at least will mean you've said what you think).

 

If it helps, this year I finally decided I couldn't cope any more with my oldest friend (friends for 30+ years) who is similarly self-obsessed and narcissistic and who unleashed a torrent of abuse on me (including personal stuff that I had confided in her about, used as insults) when I didn't want to go out a few months ago Very teenage stuff, considering we are both in our 40's. So I told her (in an email) that she had really hurt me and that I wanted to leave things for a while and not have any contact. I basically asked her to leave me alone. And she has, apart from a few tentative approaches...none with an apology, of course To be frank, I am enjoying the peace and quiet and not feeling like I have a constant drain on my emotional energy - it has freed me up to concentrate on other, more important things like our IVF (halfway through second round at the moment) and my real friends, few though they may be. Be brave and cut off contact with them, you may find its the best thing you've done in a while.

 

Re. Your dad, I have no advice - but I have seen a similar thing with one of my mums friends who died a couple of years ago - her husband was with someone else inside a couple of months. I don't understand it myself but at least your dad is not the only one.

 

I hope your SO is doing ok, and that you and he can find some peace and comfort. (((((Hugs)))))

[SarahJo]

I blamed myself when a selfish friend decided she did not want to be friends anymore - not worth the self analysis in my opinion, move on and up, you get one life and do not need parasites bringing you down

 

I saw this quote today and thought of you

 

Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved (Barbra Johnson)

 

I would not even give her anymore time by writing a letter, let her go and keep your head held high

 

Hugs also - as its easy to comment from the outside, not feeling the emotion and anguish that this has obviously caused you xox

[abwsco]

Loads of {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} from me to.

 

Personally I wouldn't bother writing a letter to her unless it told her to sod off

[Charlottechicken]

I have nothing constructive to add to the brilliant advice already given, other than to agree with those who have said don't bother writing to your awful self centred ex-friend.

 

Sending lots of ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

[Chicken shack]

I wouldn't send her a letter just cut the ties. Keep her number on your phone so if she does call you you can just ignore it and do not read any texts, after a suitable time of your chosing delete the number. I have many freinds who I have had for many years, however if I have had problems I now just cut ties. I think there is enough stress in your life without adding to it.

[Pearls007]

Loads of {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} from me to.

 

Personally I wouldn't bother writing a letter to her unless it told her to sod off

 

Seconded! (on both counts!)

[Valkyrie]

Yup, treat her with the contempt she deserves. Plus letters can always be taken out of context. Time to wash her out of your hair. Like everyone says concentrate on your OH and yourself. Seems you need time for yourselves for once.

 

I've also had more than my share of selfish ratbags - family really. I've tried to keep everyone happy but then there are givers and takers. The takers took too much of me and still wanted more. So then I became somewhat alienated by everyone. And it took it's toll because although I usually bounce back, tell myself to get a grip, a few months ago it all became too much and I too am on Citalopram. I'm not sure whether it helped or whether I did my usual sorting out myself. The doc reckons 50/50. I still haven't told my OH, nor my daughter. I have told my son who doesn't live with us and I also told my OH's cousin - as it happens she too is on the same doseage! She has had some dreadful problems with her family - which made me feel a bit like a fraud in comparison! I didn't want to take them but agreed to a month. I'm due another visit as I've been on them for 2.

However I've met nice people on here that have helped gee me up. Clootie being great, made me laugh such a lot. A neighbour who although we're not best friends, we are always there for each other, so I consider myself very fortunate. And getting things off your chest on here does indeed work wonders. Virtual hugs go a long way. So I'm sending more to you too.

[Willow]

I'm inclined to agree on not sending a detailed letter just cut ties with perhaps a very simple letter saying you're having a very difficult time and need people around who can support you so calling time/need a break on your relationship with her then cut the contact. One of my sons used to get nuisance calls from a former classmate so he renamed the contact 'annoying' if you don't want to delete her contact details rename it to something silly that will make you more inclined to not worry too much about what she texts - maybe 'emotional vampire'

 

It will be difficult at first and you'll wonder if you did the right thing but after a little while you will find it a great relief.

 

Focus on your husband and yourself, then as he gets better broaden your social circles, you'll meet lovely new people.

[C&T]

She has had some dreadful problems with her family - which made me feel a bit like a fraud in comparison!

 

No-one should compare themselves to anyone! To coin a phrase "there is always someone worse off than ourselves" - but it doesn't make our own feelings invalid. We are all individuals, reacting in different ways to different situations with different back grounds.

 

Groovychook - hope your husband continues to have good days, and that you do go to your dr's for help - I am sure councelling and talking things through with a 3rd party could really help.

[bluekarin]

When I suggested the writing of a letter, it wasn't for the Emotional Vampires (EV's) benefit, it was for GroovyChicks benefit as a way to make it clear in her mind that she had told the EV what she wanted to say when they met up but couldn't. Or as the Americans like to say, closure

[Chickendoodle]

Hugs from me too.

 

What is it with us (particularly a female trait I think) to feel guilty over things that are not our fault and to worry about what other people think of us.

 

When my OH left me over 20 years ago with 2 babies (2 years and 5 months) to move in with his best friend's wife (who also had 3 children) I felt guilty. Ridiculous in hindsight but I kept thinking that everyone must think me such a terrible person that my husband felt he had to leave his beautiful children. In reality they were all thinking what a rat he was.

 

I am trying to say don't feel guilty about cutting off your "friend" and I agree with the other posts - write to her if you feel you need to but only to say that you are ending contact. No justification is needed, you don't have to explain yourself and you don't have to worry about what she thinks of you. She is not worth it.

 

You and your OH are the most important people at the moment.

 

Also, men are very strange when they lose partners. My Dad proposed to another woman only a couple of months after Mum died. She turned him down but I know he was deadly serious and would have gone through with it. He had never ever lived on his own (straight from Mum to wife) and I can only assume he didn't want to live alone. Nothing to be done about that I am afraid - men seem better at compartmentalising (if that's a word!) different parts of their lives.

[Groovychook]

I've just come back on here after not having any phone or internet access for 24 hours and I'm just overwhelmed at everything you've all said. I can't tell you what it means to me... I'm sat here in floods of tears! I put some slap on this morning to perk myself up and it's currently sliding down my face, you naughty people

 

I think I've kept everything inside for too long and I've lost my confidence. I took the plunge to ring the docs this morning. I have to go anyway to get the results of a scan, so I'm going to bite the bullet and ask for some help. My OH has suffered from depression for many years- a side effect of his problems. I think I've just assigned myself the role of being the one that copes and not considered that I might need any support. I worry about the anti depressant side of things. I know they didn't suit my OH and it makes me a little wary of going down that route. I'll go with an open mind though and it's good to hear how helpful they've been for some of you. Just having someone to talk to would be a great help.

 

I have written the letter. It's long and detailed because I wanted to fully explain why I haven't been able to cope with the pressure from her and her brother. I felt that I needed to be fair and try and get her to look at things from my perspective. I was a cathartic process (thank you for suggesting it Bluekarin) but I think I know that It will be misinterpreted as my previous letter was. I feel that I'm damned if I send it and damned if I don't reply to her text in some way. I think I might just sit on it and send a simpler letter for now. I just find it so hard that they are convinced that we are guilty of upsetting them in some way. I'm a bit too sensitive and always worry if I've said the right thing or upset someone! She is of the opinion that I am throwing away our 'friendship' because we won't 'sort it out' and she is obviously very hurt by that. I suppose what I'm trying to say in a very long winded way, is that you've all helped me to see that it's not just me that finds the pressures they've put us under unreasonable and that it has to stop whether it upsets them or not.

 

Thanks too Superkitty for sharing your similar experiences. I just wanted to send you some love and positive vibes. I'll be keeping everything crossed for you and hope that it all works out! Take care of yourself xx

 

On a slightly brighter note, my sister took the plunge and rang my Dad over the weekend because she was so worried about me, bless her. I'd told my big Sis that the 'friend had taken great relish in telling me the other day, that they'd been in contact with my Dad. She'd intimated that I'm at the root of the problems with him too. I think my sister was outraged by that and wanted to fight my corner. She let him know what we're facing at the moment and he asked her to let me know that he loves me very much and that he's not against me. She asked him to come round and see me sometime, even if it's just a quick hello. I'm not sure that he will but it was lovely to hear those words. Maybe we'll be on better terms in the future. Fingers crossed.

 

Thanks so much... off to wash my face

xx

[bluekarin]

(((hugs))) and you are very welcome. I am glad it helped you out

[Willow]

When I suggested the writing of a letter, it wasn't for the Emotional Vampires (EV's) benefit, it was for GroovyChicks benefit as a way to make it clear in her mind that she had told the EV what she wanted to say when they met up but couldn't. Or as the Americans like to say, closure

 

I was going to say that I think writing the longer letter would be beneficial but sending it might not given the sort of texts EV is sending

 

Groovychook I'm so pleased to see 'talking' is helping you get the support you need. There is no shame in asking for help, I think many of us are guilty of trying to keep on top of everything and we don't ask for help enough.

 

Your friend sounds like she cares for you and the friendship but can't see what she's doing to you and what you need right now. It doesn't make her a bad person (we're none of us perfect) but it still doesn't mean she is right or acting appropriately! You need to keep saying 'it's not me that's in the wrong here'.

 

Try the break and maybe when things are going better for you and OH you may be able to re-establish the relationship on different terms that work for you.

[Alis girls]

You can write the letter - you dont have to send it - that can help immensly - just getting it off your chest. Sometimes another person a bit removed from the situation can make the person ie your dad understand the problems they are causing. Glad your sister is on board. All the advice on here is good and you ladies (and chaps - sorry i am sure some of the names belong to men - not being sexist) always come up trumps with advice. Love to you and OH. Ali xx

[Mercedes55]

I do hope that your dad does come and visit you as it must be doubly hard to have already lost your mum and then for your dad to not be there for you too. The only one positive thing I can think of about men who find a new partner so soon after losing their wives is that it's kind of testament to how happy they were being part of a couple that makes them look quickly for a new partner.

[Cheeky Chooky]

Sending more *hugs* Just wanted to re-assure you that I was terrified of Anti-depressants but Citalopram is fab...I'm only on 10mg which is the lowest dose possible but I have no side-effects and it really helped, particularly when I was at my lowest and couldn't think straight; it takes the edge off of your emotions and stops the huge swings from high to low...I really can't recommend it highly enough. Keep your chin up chuck

[Valkyrie]

You are right C&T, it was the way I felt at the time. Still get the odd "down" moments, but I definitely seem to be fighting it better. I probably should have gone to the docs about 3 or 4 years ago, so it all built up a bit too much.

 

It is true that we do feel guilty over things that we aren't responsible for - why on earth do we do that? I feel guilty that my mum moved to be near my brother because she thought that he was the best person in the whole world and would probably pamper her more than I did. Turns out that she is probably more alone than ever - although my OH said she made her choice and there's nothing I can do about it! And he's right. I too worry what the rest of the family have been told about me - but "Ooops, word censored!"ody has bothered to ask my side of things!

 

I also agree that men certainly do compartmentalise so well. We analyse and analyse and over analyse.

 

Remember if you cry when you are in the docs it isn't the end of the world. I felt so embarrassed but then I wasn't myself, luckily my doc is lovely. He knew it wasn't like me at all. He even gave me a hug (not sure if they are allowed to). My dose is also 10mg. I had no side affects - although the list of things are quite alarming to read through.

 

I'm so pleased that while the so called friend was being a ratbag, your sister has jumped in to protect you. That's fabulous. Even better that your dad loves you too, and just knowing that is going to be such a relief for you - friends come, friends go, but family is always family (except my horrible lot so I'm quite jealous!).

[Ain't Nobody Here]

I'm so glad your sister did that, hopefully you can build a relationship with your dad again . Good luck at the doctors .

 

(I recently wrote a long letter of complaint to the lawyers dealing with my mum's will and dad's estate - never sent it but it did make me feel better!)

[Groovychook]

Had a phone call from my Dad this afternoon!

 

He asked if I'd like to meet him for a coffee in town. Went along, got a bit emotional but didn't discuss anything controversial. I know that my sister had suggested to him that it might be a good idea and primed him not to mention emotive subjects and I'm so glad he didn't. It was good to make contact with him and it's broken the ice a little.

Hopefully next time won't be so difficult.

 

I wrote a shorter version of 'the letter' this morning to the EV. Didn't go into any details but said that we can't cope with all the pressure from them and need to take a step away from the friendship. I took the plunge and posted it whilst I was in town. I feel nervous about sending it but it wouldn't have felt right to ignore her text and leave things hanging. Don't know if I'll hear back and don't care.

 

So, quite a positive day. It feels as though a couple of pressures have been lifted a little

[soapdragon]

Good for you! So glad to hear you are feeling somuch more positive Remember, you are in control!

[WitchHazel]

You've been through a lot, and your friends have behaved appallingly. I would definitely just cut them out of your life, they seem completely unable to appreciate things from your point of view.

 

Regarding your Dad - please remember he's an adult, and it's his life. I know it hurts that he seems to have moved on too quickly, but that's how it happens sometimes. Either it will work out with his new lady friend, or it won't.

 

If it doesn't work out, then the last thing you want to do is to alienate him now as he'll need you even more then.

 

And if it does work out, then (a) how lucky for your dad that he's been able to find someone, and (b) she's going to be a big part of his life and therefore yours too... if you make a big thing of it now, it's going to be very hard to find your way back from that. The repercussions will go on and on and on.

 

If you force him to choose between his family and his new lady (which you probably don't mean to do, but thats effectively what you are doing), you won't win. Even if he chooses you rather than her, he (and you, later, as time goes on) will regret that you prevented him from enjoying the companionship while he had the chance.

 

Maybe she is a gold-digger. If so, then you being hurt and disapproving is playing into her hands. A bit of disapproval is likely to drive them together rather than pull them apart

 

If she isn't, then you being hurt and disapproving is very unfair.

 

It's best to try and be pleased for him, and to be supportive, and see what happens.

 

Just mho

[Ain't Nobody Here]

I'm really pleased things went well with your dad .