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Seagazer

Got to pull myself together!

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Last Tuesday my aunt died. She killed herself. She was 56, only 9 years older than me and although I haven't seen her much since I got married, a long time ago, it has really affected me. She had been depressed for a long time, possibly due to not being able to have children. My image of her is of her always with a smile on her face and the life and soul of the party. She was more like a cousin than an aunt really. I feel so dreadfully sorry for her husband, such a lovely man.

 

I was hoping that once the shock had started to wear off that I would feel brighter. I am still getting on with life, went to a polo tournament etc with YS but I just keep bursting into tears. I realise that this is probably partly because I'm at that hormonal time of life but I am really struggling to 'be happy'. I even burst into tears as I was doing the hoovering on Friday and poor old Cookie came and gave me a 'hug'.

 

After crying myself to sleep again last night I've decided I've got to get it together. I'd had a go at YS over something really silly (not even his fault). Tomorrow I'm going to go and sign up for the swimming direct debit at the gym so I have no excuse not to go as I'll just be wasting my money.

 

Anyway I hope I've not offended anyone or depressed anyone, just needed to offload a bit. I think my poor hubby doesn't know what else to do and the pets have had enough!

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You have to allow yourself your feelings whatever they may be and not feel guilty about it. We deal with different situations in many different ways and you're just coming to terms with this tragedy and trying to figure out how to deal with it. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine how your aunt was feeling. My thoughts are with you and your family. *hugs*

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I totally agree - hardly any time has gone by since you've received some devastating news. Weep away, do whatever feels right. Grief takes us in different, powerful and sometimes unexpected ways, so don't put any extra pressure yourself would be my advice. Tell your YS you love him but you are very sad, and don't be afraid to ask your husband to continue to be extra patient or extra practical or extra whatever you like - whatever would help you most. I am so sorry.

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So sorry to hear your news.

 

I think you are being way too hard on yourself - and I'd say that if it had happened last month, let alone last week. Grieving takes as long as it takes. Your children will accept that this isn't 'you', and since loss and grief are part of life, perhaps it will be good for them to see how it can affect people. Maybe someone put a brave face on things when you were their age, and so you feel that's what you have to do.

 

Any death is a shock, and in such sad circumstances it is even worse. Give yourself as much time as you need, and don't beat yourself up. Your reaction is perfectly natural, and yes it probably doesn't help if your hormones are awry.

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Allow yourself to grieve and remember to tell yourself that what you feel is normal. This was something a friend told me following a death and it is so true. It was the best piece of advice I was given. Once I was given 'permission' to feel sad/tearful I dealt with the situation so much better. Don't be hard on yourself. Sending hugs.

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Thank you everyone. I think you are all probably right and that I'm not giving myself time to grieve.

 

Olly I think there is some truth behind what you said. When I was about 16-17, in the space of about 18 months I lost 3 relatives (2 cousins and my grandmother) and everyone seemed to have a stiff upper lip attitude at the time. Whether they hid how they were feeling because we were young at the time (me and my younger sister) I don't know. Perhaps I think I should be the same now.

 

My YS did ask what was wrong with me when he came in from school tonight, I have the kind of face that looks very grumpy/sad if I'm not actively smiling :roll: and I did say that I was still sad because of my aunt.

 

I will be kinder to myself. Thank you.

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So sorry to hear about your aunt. Sending you lots of hugs xxx

 

OH found out last week that an ex girlfriend died of cancer aged just 34. They dated for about 3 years in their late teens/ early 20s. It has knocked him for six. At first he didn't seem to think it was ok to be upset as she was an ex and he'd only bumped into her a couple of times over the last few years. I think it will take him a while to get over it.

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So sorry for your loss :(

 

As others have said, I also think you are being really hard on yourself, and it really does take as long as it takes. I suppose when someone passes away after an illness, it is expected, and without realising we are able to prepare, but this has been a dreadful shock to your system, and doubly so with the knowledge that your poor aunt chose to die.

 

Take care of yourself.

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I am so sorry. Your title says it all - "got to pull myself together". No you don't. You have to allow yourself to be very sad (and probably very angry/hurt/bewildered as well)

Assume you will be going to the funeral - this will probably be a catalyst for the start of the healing process and you must let your family know that you are hurting. Please don't be afraid to cry in front of them. I find it very hard and I do everything I can to keep feelings inside. It is not good for you.

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Thanks everyone, I've no idea why I thought I should be over with it already, probably stiff upper lip and all that. I had a good chat with hubby last night. He's very much a lets move on, its in the past type of chap. I asked him how he got over his Dad dying so young (he was only 52) but he just says its because he's emotionally retarded! He's not really, he was lovely last night (once he'd had his dinner - Clootie :wink: ) and I had a few tears. He actually thinks its much better to let it all out.

 

My mum bought some photos of my aunt over today. It is my Dad's sister but mum and Dad divorced and it seems Mum got custody of the photos :roll: . It was lovely seeing photos of my aunt smiling and happy, how I remember her. I'm going to give them to my Dad, so they can get them all arranged on a board for the funeral which is on the 8th. There's a really poignant one of L, posing at her engagement party with a cushion stuffed up her dress, its all she ever wanted really, a baby.

 

Looney - sorry about your OH's ex. I think that's the way I felt, as if because time had gone past since seeing her, that it shouldn't have affected me so much. I last saw her 6 years ago, we had a chance to talk about a problem we had had because of my parent's divorce and how our family split, I'd said some things on behalf of my mum and our family that I shouldn't probably of. She said there was no problem, it was all in the past and in the heat of the moment and we hugged. I'm really thankfull for that.

 

Thanks again everyone.

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Can't add much to what has already been said... except to say that when someone commits suicide, it is often even harder for those left behind to deal with than if the person had died through illness or an accident or old age. There are all sorts of additional emotions to deal with, for example: guilt/regret, at not having seen them for so long; the unfairness of it (on behalf of the person who killed themselves); anger at the waste of a life; sorrow for the husband; sometimes anger at the selfishness of the act; and the subconscious realisation of one's own mortality and the mortality of other loved ones.

 

You feel the way you feel. There is no right, or wrong about it. You grieving process is going to take as long as it takes, you can't fast forward through it or ignore it away.

 

Gradually you will find that it's been a few hours since you thought about it, then maybe half a day, then a day..... and eventually, you will be able to think about her and smile at the warm memories, without needing to cry.

 

Be kind to yourself.

 

H

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