surfer_chicken Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 My Dad passed away this morning . He collapsed with a brain haemorrhage on Tuesday afternoon which stopped his heart and badly damaged his brain putting him in a coma. I flew home from uni in Glasgow on Wednesday and saw him. I'm with all my family now and everyone is offering support, I just want to be able to unwind and get emotional support and some practical advice when the time comes on here as well. I last spoke to him briefly on Sunday and last saw him when he dropped me off at uni at the start of January. It's his 57th birthday on Tuesday. I tried to give him his birthday present on Christmas day because I thought I wouldn't be here, but he refused to open it and insisted I hide it in the house and tell him where it was over the phone on the day I don't really know what to do or expect. At the moment I'm just doing all the little jobs Mum gives me to try and help out, I'm in charge of dinners etc. This is the first death I've really dealt with other than my great aunt who died when I was 13, but I only really saw her once a year and I didn't go to the funeral etc. so I didn't really have to deal with it. And on the more practical side, my Dad was the main household income, so I'm going to have to sort a lot of stuff out with student finance. I'm hoping you lovely people will know a bit about that, as I wasn't means tested before. I'm sure uni will try and support me that way, but when I've spoken before to staff they seem to be experts in SAAS but not quite sure about the rest of the UK. Also my parents only shared savings accounts, Dad didn't have life insurance and we don't have access to his accounts which paid most of the bills. At the moment his wages are still going in and the direct debits coming out. Does anyone know the procedure from here or have any advise for my Mum? She's getting advise off friends and family as well, but there always seems to be an expert in everything on here so I thought I'd check. I'm also hoping everything stays fine with uni. Before they told us we were only allowed 2 weeks off, and if we missed more we either failed the year or we were allowed to redo the year if it was through genuine, unavoidable reasons like this. However now emailing my advisor's, they are telling me not to worry about anything and it can be talked about when I do get back. I'm probably going to need more than 2 weeks, as the funeral will likely be around the time that 2 weeks is up, but I really don't want to have to redo the year. I did really well in my winter exams, and it's something my Dad, the rest of my family and I wouldn't want. I don't know We're all just taking everything one step at a time, but at the same time thinking in advance. Thanks for listening Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I'm so sorry to hear that news Penny - he was no age at all but was obviously greatly loved. I don't have any real advice to give regarding finance, but I'd advise contacting your local Citizen's Advice Bureau as they'd be bound to know what to do. I hope that you have some support yourself as well as you helping your mother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I'm so very sorry to hear your sad news. xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groovychook Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I'm so very sorry to hear about your Dad, it must have come as a terrible shock to you and your family- he was so young I hope that your university will show you compassion and understanding. I can't offer and practical advice as far as that is concerned, but I do know from experience that you will be kept busy over the coming weeks with all the practical arrangements that will need to be made. It's good to keep occupied at a time like this and is comforting to feel that you are doing useful things. Take good care of yourself and your family. Sending lots of love and (((((hugs))))) xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
surfer_chicken Posted February 22, 2013 Author Share Posted February 22, 2013 I just had a call from the university. They said I can take as much time as I like and they'll support me in every way. If I miss to much coursework or if I don't feel up to the exams in April they will support me over summer so I would do my exams in August with the people retaking, so that's a big weight off my shoulders. Thank you for all the messages already xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groovychook Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 That's brilliant news Penny. At least that's one less thing for you to be worrying about. xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickencam Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 My thoughts are with you and your family, so sorry to hear this On a practical level did your dad have a will, if so you need to find out who is holding it and get in touch with them, so that they can get the ball rolling with the banks. I think that there will be ways to get the bills paid etc. Make sure that you take care of yourself too, having practical things to do helps but you also need to take time to grieve so that you don't burn yourself out especially with uni work still to do. Take care ((hugs)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chickendoodle Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I am so sorry - what a terrible shock for you all. I think it is pretty tricky getting access to bank accounts. Citizen's advice is probably the way to go forward. If your Dad was paying into a pension there should be an element of life insurance within that (or if his employer was paying into one for him) so worth investigating. There are lots of things to do practically and the funeral directors will talk you through the various steps. The main thing is that you all support each other at this horrible time. Great that the university are being understanding. You can put that to the back of your mind now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Couperwife Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 oh, im so sorry. sending hugs to you and your mum cathy x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheGirlsMum Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 So sorry. If there is no will then I suggest you get several copies of the death certificate and go with your Mum to the bank and see the bank manager, especially as they had a joint account. They should be able to help you sort it all out. I know that's what they did for me just a few forms to fill out. Keep busy. As has been said the funeral directors are normally really helpful. Take care of yourself and your Mum Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olly Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I am so very sorry to hear this - it must have come as a terrible shock to you all, and he was no age at all. As said above, there is always so much to do after a death, especially a sudden and unexpected one such as this - I would definitely make an appointment to see someone at your local Citizen's Advice Bureau as they will be able to refer you to other resources. You could also contact Cruse, a charity which helps with bereavement, or the Bereavement Advice Centre. Either of these will be able to give you some practical advice. Get several copies of the death certificate because you will need to produce them for all sorts of things and don't always get them returned, or not as quickly as needed. In practical terms - look after yourself (and your mum/siblings) - this is not a time to worry about unimportant things, make sure you are all eating enough and getting enough sleep, not easy I know. Don't be afraid to ask for help from family, friends and neighbours - you don't have to do it all yourself, and I wonder if there is anyone (a family friend maybe) who has been through the experience and can give you some guidance on what to do and where to go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chickendoodle Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 There are very painful things you will have to think about so it is best to be prepared. My Mum died very suddenly and I found the whole experience just completely overwhelming. The funeral director asked for some clothes to dress her in and regretably we just never got around to it. Picking out a dress for the coffin would mean accepting that she was gone. Looking at coffins was just awful and I just left it to the funeral director. My Dad died a year later and the funeral director again asked for clothes. She was very specific - it must be a full outfit consisting of underwear, trousers, socks, shoes, shirt, jacket and tie. My sister and I actually found it very comforting thinking of him looking smart inside the coffin and I very much regret not having done the same for Mum. You will also have to decide whether to go and see your Dad. I didn't see either of my parents and I do not have any regrets about that. Some people I know find it comforting but I prefer to remember them alive. There is no right answer, just what is right for each person. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seagazer Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I'm so sorry to hear your sad news, I don't have any advice really to add. You've been given some good advice above. Just try not to worry about everything yourself, its good that uni are being very understanding. I think you just have to take it a day at a time. Sending (((hugs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Space Chick Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I'm so sorry to hear this Glad Uni are supporting you though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daphne Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Penny, I am very sorry to hear your news Its a dreadful shock, he was so young and I presume you are quite young as well. My thoughts and sympathies are with you and your family. The death will need to be registered and if that hasn't already happened you or a close family member need to do it. We went to an office in the hospital and as far as I remember they gave us some paperwork to take to the registry office in the town. You need several copies of the death certificate - see below. As far as the will is concerned, hopefully your Mum or another family member will know if there is one. If not, you could try contacting any solicitor your family has dealt with to ask if they have one lodged, or look through cupboards etc at home. If there is a will, there should be an executor(s) and they have a range of administrative duties to carry out in terms of ensuring debts are settled and dispersing any monies your father left. I'm not sure what the situation is if there is no Will, I'm sure the CAB can advise or look online. Assuming you are the executor, or there isn't one, then I would get in touch with the bank manager as soon as possible, as he/she will be able to explain what will happen about paying bills from that account. I would make a list of all the bills you know about - off the top of my head these will include utilities such as gas/water/electricity/oil, regular payments such as mortgages and insurances, credit cards, car finance or other large purchases, car breakdown cover, telephone/TV/internet, TV licence, any store cards. I would also make a list of all assets your Dad had in terms of shares, ISAs, bank accounts, building society accounts, premium bonds, pension etc. When my Dad died me and my brother rang all these organisations and explained the situation (on behalf of my Mum), we found them all very helpful - many of them have specially trained bereavement teams, and they were able to tell us what to do. Basically, most of the banks etc needed to see a copy of the death certificate before releasing the funds, although I can't remember if this was necessary for the joint accounts. In terms of the bills we were able to transfer the paying of them to my Mum so we gave her details to them all. If this is not straightforward for you, then perhaps have a word with the CAB first so you know what your options are. I know you might not feel up to dealing with the funeral director, I've had to do this several times and usually they are very sympathetic. Always remember it is up to you to have whatever you want, and if you need more time to make decisions then just ask for it. None of us thinks very straight in times of grief like this, so whatever happens don't worry. Try to allow things flow over you, its a very raw time. We couldn't face much cooking etc, so took refuge in ready meals and glasses of gin Whatever helps get you through, just do it. I remember my sleeping patterns changed, I was going to bed really late, after everybody else. It was temporary, and just part of adjusting to the changed realiity. Something else you may have to deal with is filling in a tax return, but that is not an immediate concern. Once again, I am very sorry to hear your sad news. Daph. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charlottechicken Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 So sorry to read this, it must be such a shock for you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redwing Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I am so so sorry, how sad As you know I am not far away, if your mum needs one less thing to worry about I can take your chooks here until things are straightened out and your mum is feeling up to it Just let me know if I can be of any help at all Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kinsk Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Can't add anything to the great advice you have already been given, but I am so sorry. It sounds like Uni are being understanding, just keep them informed. Everything is so overwhelming at first but things do take a natural progression and get sorted in time xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freddie Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 So sorry to hear of your loss, such a sad thing for you all. Practical things. You will all be quite numb, with so much to do at this stage, but this will change, so be aware that you will go through every emotion in no order, and it will not be great. Seek help. GP is usually a good source of info. FIG (families in grief) Cruse CAB (citizens advice bureau, very good for practical advice esp concerning financial side) Re banks etc, be prepared for them to get it all wrong, they did for us, which is not what you need. I started a folder, with sections in it, each section for a bank, or whatever, and kept everything in order, and made a note of every call, (date, day, time, who talked to), as then I didn't have to remember too much. Friends and family will offer to help, Let them, as they want to, even simple things, like cutting grass, or doing a dinner, anything, really. And they'll let you rant/cry/ be as irrational as you need to be without any judgement. sorry again, and try to take some time for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patsylabrador Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Just wanted to add my best wishes for you and your family. Keep strong and look after yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LisaP Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I am so sorry for your loss, best wishes and hugs to you and your family. Lisa P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lavenders_Blue Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I am so very sorry to read this. I can't offer any practical advice beyond what has already been said, but can offer a hug and my best wishes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowberry Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 As others have said, most of the practical bits of advice have been covered. I just wanted to add my condolences to you & your family; it's such a shock, especially as he was so young & being unexpected. x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purplemaniacs Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I am so sorry to hear your awful news Penny. What a shock for you. Lots of great advice already given. OH and I lost his Dad suddenly almost 10 years ago, his Mum had died a few months before after a long battle with MS, his Dad was only slightly older than yours. I think people cope with things differently I have to keep going and try to do normal things, that is almost my comfort blanket. I am so glad that uni is being understanding, as someone said keep them informed about things, do you have some good friends who can keep copies of notes and work for you so that you can try to catch up if you feel up to it. When you need to talk to someone we are all here for you. Hugs from East Northants. Chrissie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
craftyhunnypie Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 So very sorry to hear your sad news. May I say what a very brave girl you are being! Hugs. Emma.x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
